wanted: perfect mate

After trading class for dinner with my bestfriend, regret was the last thing on my mind. I really enjoy long talks with her. We are alike in a lot of ways but still two different persons. We had the usual topics, update with her work, my classes, our other friends, our families and the last but not the least “boys”.

We are both single. Have had our own separate mishaps on relationships but we’re still here smiling and talking about it like it’s just another headline news. After a two-hour intellectual congress, I can’t help but think about what she always says about my preference on men, that they are not good enough for me. And it struck me like lightning because no matter how hard I try to deny it, it’s just plain obvious. 

Yes, I have set my standards, the unhumanly possible “perfect mate”. But then I always end up settling for someone with whom I can be happy with. Not that they make me happy. It’s just that I am plain happy with them. Although they can manage to be somebody out of a nobody, he is not my kind of somebody. Yet, I can see pass that and still be overly happy being with them. And they are my perfect mate that way but not my kind of “perfect mate”.

I am not another typical girl who has a long line of suitors and plenty of male acquaintances to choose from. I also prefer not to entertain someone who fairly does not have a chance of becoming my partner. I want that spark right there from the beginning. I can’t say “love at first sight” but rather “interested at first sight”. He might just be that kind of magnet that attracts me no matter how i try hard to pull my self away. It’s the same way how I met my closest of friends. 

Oftentimes, this sort of good enough perfect mate’s nothing close to my imaginary perfect mate and I am content with that no matter how difficult unworthy he may be for me and what I am. But unfortunately, he can’t deal with that fact that everyone including fate seems to hold it against us. And it pains me more that he’s hurting and thereafter nothing was ever the same again because he backs out without putting up a good fight for me and for us… which what my bestfriend always emphasizes right on my face - more like I tend to be the one wearing the pants in the relationship on my perspective.

Does this mean that there is really noone good enough for me? But I beg to disagree on that. The perfect mate is not just someone we can find on the streets or in the web. We ourselves make our selves the perfect mate because when we have become our very selves as the perfect mate, fate will have to hold-up his hands in surrender to give us our perfect mate match.

Does this mean I can manage not mingling with men while I’m in this process of making my self perfect and waiting for my match? Again, I disagree. We can not just deprive our selves of what’s right in front of us, i.e., the reality that we co-exist with testosterone filled beings in this world, that will just be like getting away from a stray bullet. But we will just have to keep in mind of maintaining our purity in the process. With the world gone radical, carnal knowledge is just some physical need humans cannot easily resist. But then when your will is strong, you can always manage to be sane enough to not commit mistakes including the same mistake twice. 

I can’t say I have put into action these thoughts, I have yet to finish the book “I kissed dating goodbye” - which I have not finished reading for 3 years now. But where does all these put me? I am more than confused as ever. I can’t just hide my happy soul bursting out of my system. Although my limits has yet to be violated, I am lost for my final statement.

hilarious memory

I had a really funny encounter yesterday.

Between 7:00 up to 7:30pm, ADR class of Atty. Valderama:

male: “nice nails, although nakakapanibago”

me: “hindi ba bagay?”

male: “ok nga eh, kaya lang kulang ka sa make-up”

me: “nyek” (and focused my attention back to our professor)

if we were not only in class and if we were really that close, i swear i would have laughed really hard until i snorted. bwahahahaha! 

and the catch is not only the nails and the make-up, the male is not even gay!

fine, i am a law student who looks like i’m in high school; it’s a gift from God, i have no reasonable complaints. i don’t have to wear make-up unless there’s (a) an occasion (b) absolutely necessary for my job and (c) whenever i feel like i look trash. What’s happening to the world?! and what’s happening to men?! Besides whenever I do wear make-up, people tend to notice which makes me feel uncomfortable. I am 24 years old, do i need a permit or something just to wear make-up?! But the above-mentioned conversation was a first. Now, I just don’t get people.

without make-up vs. with make-up

fear factor

Since Fear Factor Philippines of ABS-CBN debut on national television, I can’t help but think of phobias. Wouldn’t you be curious yourself? Although I have always enjoyed watching the original fear factor, with all the stunts and the additional info on the different kinds of fears in the world as I have always thought about my own set of fears, it makes me curious now as ever as Filipino fears are exposed on this reality tv show. 

And of all the fears in the world, I always end up thinking of autophobia.

 

Autophobia - Fear of being alone or of oneself.

 I can manage spiders, worms, snakes, heights, and the list of phobias goes on and on. Although I am not the extreme autophobic type, I always manage to be around people, even amongst a crowd i don’t know. I just want to see people around me although they are not really with me, get the picture?

I don’t like being left alone at home. 

I don’t like eating alone.

I don’t like shopping alone.

I can’t even imagine watching a movie alone.

Although I can still manage taking a bath alone, I am in too deep with my phobia. And the worst part of it is the fact that I am diagnosed with acute ulcer which almost caused me my life at the age of 21. I don’t eat alone, I never did, I never will. Thus, in order to prolong my life further, I manage to eat crackers even while in transit or even during class hours. I can’t afford to be hospitalized again… for the nth time. 

Pathetic as it may seem for others, I am lost of words to describe how I feel when I am faced with nothing but the ticking of the clock or the buzzing sound of silence. My friends say I am being too dependent of others, wanting them to adjust for my sake… that it is high time I grow up and be on my own. They just can’t seem to understand and accept me this way. They see me as weak this way for being too needy of others in order to go on with my life. But I resent that. 

I can manage independence. I can manage being alone but not the thoughts and feelings I have when I am alone. I have come to the realization that I don’t like lull moments, I choose to keep my self always busy and preoccupied with anything I can put my self into. I have to have my hands or mind or both at work. And if and when I ran out of things to keep my self focused on, including the time I want to pause to rest a while, the people around me becomes my object of attention. I can either watch them, talk to them and touch them. I like being around people to make me savour my existence… they make me feel human, normal yet special. I am like them in a lot of ways but still not the same person as I am. If noone still gets me then so be it. I rest my case.

I believe there is nothing wrong with having fears. Each and everyone of us have our own secret stories on phobias to tell. Talking about it and facing it makes us overcome it like as we grow up. Having fears is just part of life. Because when I come to ponder on it more, I realize that without fear there will be no faith. Our fears make us strong… it makes us fight for whatever it’s worth.

silence of the joker

Silence in social interaction is the absence of speech. Silence in this arena can be divided into three categories (Bruneau, 1973): mental, social, or both. These are defined according to time, context, and perception.

Physiologically, silence is the result of hesitation, stutters, self-correction, or the deliberate slowing of speech for the purpose of clarification or processing of ideas. These are short silences.

Interactive silence occurs in interactive roles, reactive tokens, or turn-taking.

According to cultural norms, silence can be interpreted as positive or negative. For example, in a Christian Methodist faith organization silence and reflection during the sermons might be appreciated by the congregation, while in a Southern Baptist church, silence might mean disagreement with what is being taught, or perhaps disconnectedness from the congregated community.

 

For someone with lots of words in mind, you choose to be silent. Come on, admit it. 

For your words left unsaid

I wish to see your face now

For your eyes which glows like sunshine

I wish to see your face today

For your secret smiles that reach the heavens

I wish to see your face more

I wish to see your face

everyday

for me to stop wondering

for me to stop imagining

for me to stop hoping

your silence is prolonging my agony

you are my kind of joker 

confessions of the gambler

 

What is that thin line that separates a truth from a lie?

Would you really consider your self to be in love ot just plainly infatuated when the urge to involuntarily care too much for another make you want to shoot yourself point blank? Like how you act does not justify your thoughts, feelings and words and vice versa. Just when I thought figuring out another person is difficult, more so the opposite sex, I came to realize I am far difficult my self to figure out. 

Now, I remember my professor in evidence almost every meeting saying to the class that as lawyers we are always dealing with two sets of truth, i.e., actual truth and legal truth. Actual truth as a matter of fact and legal truth as how law would define and construe it. He continues that this is the reason why innocents rot in jail while criminals are out in the streets. We may say that this reality is unfair but then again this is likewise the reason why people should get the best lawyers. 

But how about those with no knowledge of the law and the rules as well as those with no pending civil/criminal persecution? How do we deal with how contradictory life can be to be able to grasp actual truth?

Does this mean I might just be the one foolishly making things harder for me because I just can’t accept that I am faced with actual truth disguised in the form of legal truth but is really one and the same thing. 

Then I came to think about double standards on differences between men and women and that women tend to be fickle minded. It’s not that we are indecisive (defensive as this may sound), saying one thing and meaning another has always been a way of life for us. While we constantly convince our selves that we are dead frank on a lot of things, on the matter still of some other issues, we tend to act too smart yet actually resolved to be too dumb at the same time if anyone else sums it up and that’s the difficult part to deal with.

But then again it is likewise a phase that all women alike go through and surpasses. As maturity sets in, we are nothing like what we used to be. We can always look back but we are never going back. As statistics confirms this, women indeed mature faster than men. 

But then how would you know you’ve matured. When the thought of that alone makes me shiver with awe and disgust. I don’t want to be just mature, I want to be more than that, someone wise.

You have put me in a box paneled by mirrors all over

I continue to stare at my reflections from all angles

Then I stumbled as the box shook, moved and rolled a number of times

I am diced in my own gamble

the gambler and the joker

What makes one person trust another to be more than willing to open up his/her book of life?

A question not answerable without first taking that ultimate plunge of risk.

——————————————————————————-

Behind this smile, bruises have swolen

But I’m still betting all-in

You are both my happiness and my pain

I am the gambler

and you might just be the joker

a criminal

 

you make me smile, happy. face life with glow…

If smiling was a crime, I’d be in jail by now or worst facing the death row. I just can’t get this smile off my face. I must really be out of my sanity zone, I even ran out of words to say. 

Still lots of questions remain unanswered, (long pause…) but then again I don’t want to spoil the moment.

It’s so nice to be happy… sha la la la …

paranoia

The world suddenly turned upside-down.

Just when i thought i had it all figured out, here I am very much clueless of what used to be too obvious. But then again when i come to think of it, will i be able to take the blow of the truth? Will i be ready for what’s coming whatever will that be?

Yes, i am hopeful, guilty as charged. Yet, i am likewise scared. I’ve come to enjoy the feeling for quite sometime now and the sudden change of things make me paranoid and agitated at some point. And i’m not so sure myself if i’ve come to believe what i used to shove off and deny from the very beginning.  The feeling had somehow died down a bit because of all the changes, I am disappointed myself.

Holding on too much to thoughts of wishful thinking makes me such a loser.

Wake up sleepy head.

my thoughts of you

Scientists have proved that human minds are linked with each other through neuron activities. So if you are thinking of someone all day long without any reason at all, that person is thinking of you too.” - Time Magazine

But then again what makes us so sure that what we believe to be true is indeed the truth as a matter of fact and not the truth as a matter of our own wanting? In the same manner that we can only believe so much as to the truth of things actually told to us which can be totally the opposite of what that person actually intends that we perceive. Thus, leaving us in limbo. 

Why can’t things be more clearer for us to see the real truth? Just when we thought we have the mental capacity of a mature person, here we are still clueless of what seems to be too obvious. It is like saying one thing but meaning the other. Why can’t we be true even to ourselves?

Probably all because the world is cruel and so are the people in it. I am not saying everyone has bad blood in their veins, well probably we all do. But that does not justify for us all to be cruel. Because we all likewise have goodness flowing in our veins. 

Probably because while there is free will in this world, there are likewise neverending trials and temptations. But then again, growing up was never promised to be that easy to figure out anyway. In the same way that convince and surprise us that we change over time whether we like it or not.

————————————————————–

My thoughts of you always end up in that place where there is a rainbow

and I stared from afar instead of getting a hold of those wonderful colors… to smile a while longer or probably even a lifetime thereafter

Then I felt welcome yet suddenly unfit in that place

make a wish

Have you ever wondered how certain wishes come true?

I have always been told that wishing is like dreaming, goal setting or map plotting and it is free for all. We should all therefore aim high, unreachable as it may seem, impossible as it may be, ridiculous as it may sound. But then as I grew up to be 24, there are just some wishes that are meant to come true, while there are those which are not meant to have the same fate. 

So what makes wishes come true?

Here are some tips, well actually these are just my realizations… which I believe may or may not be applicable to everyone else.

(1)  wish hard enough

making yourself believe in your wish as if it’s already at the palm of your hands and not just within your grasp alone, no matter how unreachable, impossible and ridiculous as that wish may be.

It’s like when we were still children and we don’t want to attend school and want to be sick, and by the following morning you already have a temperature high enough to excuse you from school and the best part of which you’re given extra attention and cared for specially by your parents.

(2) make yourself worthy of your wish

like the old saying goes: “nasa Diyos ang awa, nasa tao ang gawa”. Every step you take is a key towards fulfilling your wishes. It’s not all about the hardship and sacrifices but rather the good things you do and the legacy and love you leave in every heart you touch.

Remember the law of karma where the things you give away have their way of coming back to you. Like the golden rule where don’t do unto others what you don’t want others to do unto you. And finally the second commandment of God to love your neighbors as you love yourself. If you deserve a gift, so does everyone else in this world.

(3) wait for the perfect timing

wishes are like birth and death, it is certain to happen but the matter of when is a mystery to us all.

Remember when as a child you like playgrounds and the slide is your favorite ride where your mom/ dad is always there at the bottom to catch you when you slide down. You enjoyed that so much because you know your parents will always be there at the bottom and you need not worry.

Waiting is like giving one’s trust. Trust is unlike respect, it’s not earned, it’s given whole-heartedly and without condition.

Every gift is well-prepared and specially selected for you alone like apple-picking, you’ll have to wait for the picking season where the apple is not too ripe and not too unripe.

(4) keep your eyes wide open

acceptane of reality of truths and lies makes us all human. When things are not meant for you there will always be something better instored or awaiting for you.

Oftentimes we are blinded by our fantasies that we lose sight of what’s already infront of us.

God’s gift / nature’s reward comes in a variety of forms but it will surely be a surprise worth accepting with open arms.

(5) be thankful

for your opportunity to wish

for your gift of life

for your chances and challenges

for your five senses

for the world we live in

for your ability to be thankful

Consider yourself blessed enough from the time you were born, from the time you were conceived, from the time your parents were born, as well as their parents, and so forth and so on. The fact that you are here in this world, alive and kicking is reason enough to have faith, continue believing and be thankful so never stop fighting.

————————————————–

Once upon a time I wished upon a star

I had my eyes shut close and clasped my hands together in prayer

and I have waited since then

I have put my mind, heart and hands to good use 

and kep my eyes wide open to watch out for what is to come

and I  continued waiting

until… now came.