of losing

May 21, 2009

 

 There are some things in life that we will lose regretfully forever.

 

In the beginning, you never really thought that you’d even lose it. You got to the idea of having it around for an infinity amount of period which gives you extreme ease and happiness on first thought. But on the second note, it was more out of convenience because it understands you the most as it sees through you because it cares for you truthfully more than it ever imagined itself to and that scares you actually but you choose to shove away such thoughts. You become reckless because you know that no matter what happens it will love you still, understand you and accept you.

 

            However, I guess there are just some things you are bound to lose one way or another and before you know it, you already did. You do regret it but you try to justify things, especially yourself, like you have accepted fate.  Thinking, there just got to be some reason and explanation for all of it, why things had to happen. And sorry seems to be the hardest word.

 

            Even with separate lives, fate had its way of intertwining your worlds with unfortunate event it’s thought crosses your mind, it’s picture, it’s name – the mere mention of it, one remarkably stupid memory from the past, it makes you feel shameful of your self. The worst part of it all you can never turn back time to do things regretfully. The pain you feel is incomparable to hers. You scornfully tell yourself, “what have I done?”

 

            You’ll never truly know one’s worth until it’s gone.

 

            You now silently wish that somehow, someway, it’s happy. As it would seem useless, for everything that’s happened, if not at least one of you is happy.

 

            Words will never be enough to mean what our hearts have to say now, but I will forever be blessed and thankful to have had you once and regret losing you forever.

the filipino family

May 14, 2009

 

Misunderstandings and fights between parents and children is a norm in every Filipino household but this does not necessarily mean that there exists no love and respect in such families. In the aim of producing a breed of perfection coinciding reality, discipline in a variety of ways comes in handy but with full discretion of course of the parents.

 

You would consider missing half of your life if you were deprived of love and discipline of a real family… a family which serves as the basic foundation of every community. However, with the prevalent false and fragmented information circling the globe (both fair and bias, with or without basis, fact or opinion) through the television and the internet showcasing sex and crimes, the true essence of an ideal family has slowly faded away, thus, resulting to a generation of new blood in huge quantity but of less quality.

 

What has become of the Filipino family?

depression (part two)

May 12, 2009

I was asked out of the blue by my officemate,

 

How do you overcome depression?

 

I was taken aback with the question

I thought really hard

I have to have a good answer

Well this is what I finally said

 

Well you have to have a good outlook on life

Lighten up, smile, smiling always starts the healing

Try not to isolate your self from the world

That tends to invite bad thoughts and more loneliness and feeling of helplessness / hopelessness

Surround your self with good company, family, friends, loved-ones

Keep yourself always busy and preoccupied

Work with you mind and your hands

Engage in new/ old activities that you’d enjoy

Explore possibilities of a greater purpose why things are the way they are

Never lose hope

Have faith

Be strong

You may not have the best plan of action to really overcome your depression

But just try the very least

It’s always worth the risk to bring your self up again after stumbling from a fall

 

These are the times when I can not just drown my self in sorrow and wallow in pain

My strong and happy facade can really be my very own morphine

 

how about you?

Depression (part one)

Despite the problems one’s facing, you can be very thankful of loved ones (family and friends) who stuck by you all this time

You try so hard to cheer yourself up while you suffer inside

You join a happy crowd just to keep you sane

Smile a little

Laugh a little

Feel immensely blissful when others are happy

But in a minute or two

The feeling suddenly changes

You convince yourself it’s alright to feel happy

Tagging along a seemingly brilliant smile

Trying to convince others not to really be affected and commiserate with you

You try to hide the pain, tears and frown

Behind the façade opposite the real thing

But it turns out to be too pretentious and false

You can’t really fool anyone/ everyone, especially yourself

Including those who truly knows you inside out

And it pains you even more

The feeling of guilt that you call yourself real but truly some sort of an impersonator

But how can you really be true to yourself

You can’t just walk around town shouting

 

I am not okay

I am having a hard time

I am facing life-changing problems / trials

I am a coward

I am a failure

I am a liar

I am a bad person

I am not worth to love

Stay away from me if you know what’s best for you

I come with major baggage of grief and sorrow and bad luck

Run now, fast

Why me of all people

How can you teach yourself to love yourself again

Despite your flaws, maintain sanity and be strong and fight

And simultaneously live in a world who never fails to judge you, test you, bring you down and destroy you

Every step you take it seems as if

You don’t have any right to be just sad and miserable for everything that’s happening

Because you have to always be considerate and sensitive of people you love

And ultimately live a life

Can’t help it, you tend to think

If it’s best to be alone

May be then

No one can hurt you

Possibly?

Impossible!

If it’s best to die

May be then

The hurting will stop

Possibly?

But only for you

to mama

May 10, 2009

to the most beautiful woman on earth - mama

September 2nd, 2007 by thehukombitay

twisted

May 7, 2009

How can I ever escape my sanctuary? 

 

I have been up to the challenge of making my self believe that I can manage without writing. Not that I have run out of words to say but more like sometimes I just talk too much, way too much for me to even think things through before I really blurt out the words out of my mouth. But then again it came to a point that I realized that it is high time I listen to my self, all the words that escape my mouth without having to put it in black and white. I wanted to see the difference of me living the real world and a world where my thoughts are more superior with my very life. And there I got my self more twisted.

 

 

to lose one’s pride

 

The bad news slapped my very being.

 

I convinced my self that I am prepared for the worse but what happened to me. The tears poured down my cheeks with no shame. With the face of my grandfather waiting for me in the other room, I cannot go out broken. How can God not choose another day to let me be free of penetrating glares and questions from the people to whom I cannot hide the truth? Another test of my strength I will have to live up to. I swallowed all pain which numbed my noticeable features to a mask of gleeful me as I exited the room which is the only witness to my vulnerability.

 

As hours and days passed by, I played the great pretender. I cannot anymore control my drastic mood swings and bad thoughts plagued my foolish mind. Then Trina Etong committed suicide. If only I can speak to her somehow, I have plenty of questions to ask her.

 

Another mistake cannot solve a mistake once had.

 

I know I am innocent and I have to fight for the truth, most specially for my dream and my family. But does the truth really count anymore when I have to live with its painful consequences for the rest of my life? I do not want to call my self a coward but neither do I want to be called a failure.

 

The pride of humans.

the omen

April 20, 2009

amidst the hot sunny day

a sudden pour of rain came

followed by lightning and thunder

my heart skipped a beat

 

ang pagbabalik

April 17, 2009

 

PART I: awareness

 

I have been absent from the blogosphere for quite some time now. I apologize for the long wait and I apologize further for more that is to come. My work has kept me caught up with piles of paperwork drowning me to boredom which has likewise drifted me away from civilization. I don’t like it either; blame it on dial-up. I will have to manage convincing attorney for a DSL soon. I am writing a lot which I cannot even post on-line. Where is the fun and relief in that?!

 

The world is such a big place and becoming aware of news updates in CNN, Bandila and Saksi has made me agitated all the more.

 

Pacquaio punch

• Pacquiao vs. Hatton
• Pacquiao vs. Solar Sports
• Pacquaio vs. GMA Network
• ABS-CBN vs. Pacquaio

The Pacquaio fever has plagued our eyes and ears for so long, I wanted to scream. The worst of it is that it is only he who is getting any richer in the process. I just hope he wins his upcoming fight though. Many Filipinos has looked up to his present stature in the hope of a change in their fate like that of Pacquaio’s. I admire his perseverance and I envy his luck like I wanted them both brushing through my palms in an instant. I just hope though that he would not engage in politics and ruin his sport’s career and name so that he could be another Muhammad Ali and Paeng Nepomuceno marking sport’s history with great pride. He does not want the same fate like that of Miriam Defensor-Santiago, who was a remarkable member of the Philippine judiciary until she joined politics. She lost her son and had constant nervous breakdowns and lapses of insanity every now and then.

 

GMA thorns

 

How can our President say that “damang-dama na ang kaunlaran”? More like “damang-dama na ang kahirapan” at its worst? I know for a fact that Filipino’s are known for endurance despite the storms, but the downfall of the economy caused by the global financial crisis has made more stomachs empty all the more, more criminals are wandering the streets, more people have chosen either insanity or death over poverty, more children has ceased from the nourishment of quality education, and more graduates as added up to the underemployment rate. And the list does not end there. With the death of two undersecretaries together with a number of Presidential staff, suspicion arose that it was another plot of destroying the administration, more like attempts of finally eliminating the root of all evil in this country, okay she’s not the root, but she’s the head of the state, so she’s the head of all evil. She does have her own good points but the bad points have grown to infinity heights, my family is suffering more than ever, what about the rest of the families in this society.

 

Chip Tsao cross

 

The satirical article in Hongkong publication history has made another news headline around the globe which consequently made the hearts and egos of more Filipinos bleed. Considering the illiteracy, unawareness, and gullible state of most Filipinos, this is yet another proof of our significance in this world - blind nomads. We hurt in finding out the truth which we our selves knew all along from the very beginning. I speak for my self as I have not mastered the pride of nationalism in the proper manner although I truly feel for my beloved country. With distorted thoughts because of empty stomachs, adding up promises and lies of our “oh so dependable politicians”, bad judgments over reality whips is considered a norm already. How can the truth find its way to our minds and hearts when it has long lost its essence along the way? Many are plainly cannot be blamed because they are just misinformed, thus, they do not know what they are doing, which is forgivable according to Jesus Christ.

 

———————————————————————–

 

 

PART II: The big fight!!!

 

I can manage not talking to other people but to be not in speaking terms with my family, most specially my parents, has always brought me nightmares caused by my conscience which I can never stand. No matter how I try hard not to be affected by the cold war, I can’t help it that I am bringing them misery twice as much as I am suffering in the process.

 

With great effort to maintain my sanity in this agonizing waiting hours since that dreadful day January 31, 2009, I have done everything despicable to speak of, okay not that despicable as I failed in those intent to commit suicide, but still it’s everything which defines the opposite of the real me. I enveloped my self with so much pain, pitiful I know, feeling hopeless and helpless. I wanted at times to slap the nuts out of my thick skull.

 

Although I have managed to adjust my lifestyle for a few months now, of course that is not my lifetime plan. I stuck to a number of commitments I know I can not stand not attending to. But then God and fate had other plans, for the nth time. It makes me wonder with great sorrow how much my life will never be all about me, my needs and wants – that happiness for me will be difficult to attain without much struggle to begin with. Yes, life is unfair for me! How many times do I have to tell my self these words? I know this is not forever, I still have a lot of blessings in my pocket when the worst crosses my path and I am only brought trials which I can handle. Everything will work out in the end. And I am far from reaching the end of the line so I have to keep my hopes and faith up. Think positive, I told my self yet again.

 

So there I was trying to live my life normally as possible, trying to please my self by planning a 3-day get away from it all, when things went adverse as highly expected. I refused the thought and feeling of irritation and anxiety but I can’t help it. I defined it as once in a lifetime test for me to take, again for the nth time. As external elements tried to shake off the patience out of me, there I snapped. I impulsively made another wrong selfish decision barking on the note of hurting the wrong people (others) but ultimately hurting the right people (family). I tried to appease everyone by interpreting it as another thing I can handle with my brilliant mind in tow. But it was one of those tougher than tough situations, more icing on the cake was put. And there I finally gave up the fight. Although I know I have yet again hurt the right people, they have somehow understood me and the situation, okay only my father did see through me. How can our brains and hearts cheat the best part of our selves - soul?

 

I had the chance again of redeeming my self but I did hurt people still. They are just victims in this wild circumstance but I feel for them still and I hurt likewise. I hope things will work out with us in the end. I am really very sorry.

 

I do not want another bad karma on my shoulders as there are my brothers out there in the wilderness enduring and struggling with pain more agonizing than mine. And the breaking news for the day is that I cannot help them even if I want to, I do have my self to worry, my own problems to bear. And I don’t like this feeling, worrying about my self more and not being able to help out people I care about. The growing years of investment in maturity has a very long way to go, I will have to figure out the answers to all the puzzling questions in due time. Now, all I have to do is wait, endure and of course keep my faith and sanity alive while I’m at it.

  

———————————————————————–

 

April 14, 2009

 

 

Part III: On wild thoughts…

 

It was one of those days when I needed to find peace within. I have been dreading for the results of the impending decision and the tension is killing me softly. Call it, prolonging the agony as it has long been weeks since the case was submitted for decision and although I am acting as if I can handle whatever may come, I just can’t deny my self the truth that I am troubled all the more of the inevitable, hoping for the best yet expecting the worse, I am in total limbo. Everyone has seemed to forget my story but I will have to undergo brain transplant or death just to erase the memory. I know it is not proper to forget one of the greatest challenges in your life but if I can redo things all over again, it would not hurt to do things differently. I should really keep in mind three (3) important things to live by when I am around people, 3C’s: careful, cautious and conscious. (Courtesy of Ruffa Mae Quinto on Showbiz Central last Easter Sunday episode)

 

Although I know for a fact that I am innocent, it doesn’t end there. A clean conscience helps a lot indeed but embracing the events that continue to transpire, the people I will have to deal with and face, and the fight I will have to endure together with the pain and shame, all my mishaps as a foolish child came back to life in my thoughts. And believe me; my skill of selective hearing never helped my situation. I became more conscious and aware of everything, my self included. How I saw my flaws and all the wrong I committed back when I did not knew better seemed to haunt and taunt my vulnerable ego more often than necessary, adding insult to injury. It slowly polluted my mind of my worthiness of pain all this time. And I ask my self, am I the worse person in the world to deserve such a test from God and fate? It just does not seem to be fair that other people have done worse and yet they are wandering the streets of the archipelago. But then again, life was never promised to be fair.

 

I am afraid of the worst that could happen. Although I know I can handle that, because I have to. I know also that I will not be able to handle well what my parents will have to go through and that scares me more. That child they have come to be so proud of has just got her self into the biggest failure of her life.

 

Everything is on hold. My plans for the future all depends to whatever is to come. And they, the people who hold the fate of my future, will never bother to understand me and the real story. Actually they did try and I failed in making them truly believe me. Alright, I can’t say I already failed because they have not given their verdict yet. But even I was not able to convince my self.

 

I came to the realization of the greatest dilemma of our clients in the law office. Their tears, perspiration, anxiety, sleepless nights, life, liberty, and property will never be enough to compensate the truth and the reality of the justice system.

 

Wild thoughts continue to plague my gullible mind. Knowing too much never felt such an aggravating circumstance to worsen the situation.

 

If I can only go blind, deaf mute and mentally challenged for a day, probably that would bring me enough peace to love my self and love life it self; but I am probably wrong on that note. Be careful of what you wish for young lass, stupidity never solved anything. Fine, I am taking it back. (Talking aloud moments, spare me the judgments)

 

 

parental guidance

April 8, 2009

A client has recently engaged the services of our law office to represent her in a case pending before the Office of the City Prosecutor. She is 22 years old¸ single and an orphan since 8 years old. She was sued for qualified theft in the amount of P2M. She cried her heart out when attorney and I explained the nature of the offense charged against her and the gravity thereof¸ more particularly the penalty thereof.

 

My dad has been drinking alcohol more frequently than necessarily. He has already refrained doing so until yet again he managed to return to his old habits. Drinking is bad for his health but he can’t help it¸ he can’t help me.

 

During the course of my fight I have my parents¸ my family. That distinguishes me from our client and I saw my self blessed more than ever. But does it end there that I have parental guidance? Do I really have enough guidance over me? Am I really different from our client?

 

My parents are unlike any other. They can not be the sole reason why I have survived this far in my life yet they are the sole cause of my existence in this world.

 

In a typical Filipino lifestyle¸ close family ties is a given. But is the closeness not just a façade?  You tell me.

 

The praise and appreciation for a son or daughter is more often told to other people than to the son or daughter.

 

There is always a consideration on what other people would say or think of your family over personal life’s decisions.

 

The showing of affection towards each other is oftentimes just an understatement. Have you ever been grounded¸ spanked or slapped on the note that it’s a means of discipline?

 

You say blood is thicker than water but you value friendship more than family. You are willing to  entrust your life to a stranger and willing to sue a relative over property.

 

You seem to be a good and obedient child or loving and responsible parent when people are around but in the confines of your households it’s a totally different scenario.

 

There are times when it may seem that good traditions had gone bad¸ but in truth and in fact most of us are mistaken. Have you ever seen a family picture with no smiles? Not all moments are picture perfect and there are more moments not captured in film. Each moment is important and we should learn to treasure the real significance of each. That when we can’t find any reason to stay for all the pain and misery¸ we can always open a photo album and see all the good times just to convince our selves that we should work on the relationship more. That behind every mistake are right things done and goodness a thousand fold.

 

What praise and appreciation do you need to hear when you can their aching bones and numerous white hair?

 

They can stand the humiliation but they are thinking only of you. They can stand the pain but can you?

 

Good lessons are always learned the hard way. Every wrong done amounts to an appropriate punishment.

 

When everyone else leaves you and at the end of every bad day¸ do you not want to come home?

 

What happens under the roof and between the four corners of every home begins and ends there. It is the foundation of all things¸ both great and evil.

 

I was made to enter a Chinese school considering the fact that I was born a blue blooded Filipino. My parents were very strict in attending my tutorials and I was never allowed to watch television during weekdays. Yes it seemed unfair back then but now I appreciate all that sacrifice. I learned the value of education early in my life.

 

I am the only girl hence the exception to the tradition of having middle child warrants the birth of a problem child. I had big dreams and was always supported by my parents as I continued to excel in school both in curricular and extra-curricular activities. Even when life was difficult for my parents¸ they crawled their way through my education in DLSU. Although my parents failed to financially support my further studies of law¸ I have managed to help them through our family’s difficult time at the same time as I continue to support my self.

 

It was different for my brother.

 

No family is identical although there are a lot of similarities. No person is ready¸ perfect and ideal to be a parent until he/she is actually one. And every parent is different towards each child¸ whether or not many would react violently on this.

 

I have a hard headed kuya¸ he was the first baby born in the mother side of our family and the first male born in the father side of our family. You can say he experienced and enjoyed all the first and the best in all aspects of a new baby born out of ever excited newbies in parenthood. He was inay’s favorite apo and the only apple of lolo canor’s eyes. He has always been independent and was born a fighter. He is afraid of no one.

 

Like me¸ he was provided with Chinese education. He was not really a bully but he is always the center of attention and the head of every trouble. He was suki in the Discipline’s Office including my mom who was always called to attend to his troubles. He made all his teachers shed tears for having given up hope on him. He was sent to public school during his grade 5 and 6 for proper discipline and reflection. But I believed it had a different effect on him. He finished his secondary education in a private Catholic school and the same did not result to the intended objective either. He enrolled in various universities and colleges and tried a variety of courses and majors. He was the major pain in the a** but my parents were more than patient with him and his shortcomings. He did not finish any of his courses. He got into illegal drugs¸ a user and a pusher. He gambled¸ cheated and stole money from my parents¸ from me and our relatives. He was oftentimes thrown out of our house but he managed to remain with the thickest face of a hardcore criminal. He was a certified palamunin until the age of 24. But he never changed his ways. His money is only his and my parents money is likewise his. He treats my mom as a house maid and my father as another fool. He has no respect for his elders. He cares less of other people and only thinks of himself. If you try to get in his way¸ be prepared to get hurt physically¸ mentally and emotionally.

 

As more people look down on how my parents raised me and my brother differently¸ the more I get to be defensive of them. I had the best parents and my brother and I are different. I am not the perfect child and my brother is not all that bad.

 

I am stubborn. I curse when I feel like it¸ conceal the truth for my own advantage¸ and disobey competent authorities such as my parents. I don’t practice faith. I am proud. I am easily influenced by bad company. I make impulsive wrong selfish decisions.

 

My brother have the best of friends at his side no matter what. He is street smart. He is my family’s ultimate security personnel. He is sweet and makes amazing turnabouts for his shortcomings. He is decisive and driven by great self-esteem.

 

Who among us was raised well?