unforgettable nightmare

January 15, 2010

I was kidnapped

I tried to runaway

but i was being chased by a number of armed malefactors

they were wearing black masks which hid their faces

i was caught up by 2 men

then i blacked out

next thing i knew i was smelling fuel gas

woke up with a bad headache

my hands were tied 

i was blindfolded

then someone carried me

threw me on the floor

someone forced me to stand up

while someone removed my blindfold

my eyes had difficulty adjusting with the light

i was in a middle of men circled around me

they were all laughing like there was a private joke i missed

then someone pushed me from the back 

more pushing happened like i was in a game of pinball

i was getting dizzy but i can’t shout at them to stop

i was kept mum by a ductape over my mouth

why can’t they just get this over and done with and finish me off

more laughing followed

then i passed out again

i woke up in a moving vehicle… that explains the continued dizziness

my hands were still tied and i still can’t talk

it was dark probably past midnight

a familiar path 

we were nearing home

then halt

the door was opened and i was thrown out like a cat

the masked man spoke at me

tell marc, he won’t like what happens next time

then they drove past me

with the gust of wind blowing at my face

i passed out the third time

 

my 2009

January 13, 2010

Another year has ended which I never thought I could not possibly live through but then again I sure did. Admittedly, I am a pessimist.

Beginning January 30, 2009, there had been a trial where I, the respondent, was accused of unlawful acts with a penalty ranging from suspension up to expulsion, such that might extinguish completely the career I am traversing. I was judged by plenty, sympathized by few, and faced trial standing side by side my lawyer, who happens to be my ex-employer I walked out from. I had the worse thoughts and emotions that almost shook my sanity and faith, more like a nightmare I would want to wake up from. But God made a way for me to really see what happened, why it happened, what is left of me, and what I am to look forward for.

Looking into yourself from another’s perspective has always been insightful and hurtful but looking into yourself from your own perspective is surely enlightening and humiliating, one humbling experience you would never trade for another.

It was never a question of the state of one’s maturioty in handling a difficult situation, but rather it was a turning point of your life’s story which only caused you to finally discover that you cease to be a child anymore and you just have to make your own choices and stop making excuses, because at the end of the day, all you have is your self to preserve and love and think about.

I learned to love my self the way I deserve to be loved, taking in the good with the bad.

I accepted and embraced reality that what happened had happened… and it happened to me. No more pointing fingers. I moved forward by just having faith on the truth that shall set me free and leaving it all up for God’s will to prevail. And so it did. Before the year ended I was exonerated and given a second chance to make better decisions in life.

While it shamed my pride looking back when and how I arrived in the path of the lost. I had my fair share of stupidity and bad decisions which led to sinking deeper in the quicksand of yet another set of mistakes and their consequences. I should have known better. Now I sort of know how to go about the realtiy of a chaotic world out in the open.

But then again, is it enough that as I have managed to fix the broken pieces of my life together again when in the process thereto people eventually got hurt, I can’t help but be pained with just the mere thought of how I came to change into a totally different person unlike my usual self especially in the state of mental and emotional breakdown… I have become a monster. But then again all I needed was time for my self and to assess everything. I cannot anymore turn back time when every wrong step I take led me to a place of make-believe, one person taught me that. Reality is inescapable, thus, it’s not reason enought to blame it always on others or even the situation and save yourself from the vultures at the expense of others you offer as bate.

 

It’s never too late to admit defeat and shame.

To change to become a better person is not at all bad. 

There will come a time you will realize that you cease to be a child anymore.

Time heals all wounds. 

for the no.1 man in my life

June 22, 2009

Great things only my dad can do for me:

1. the way he’d teach me math which often leads me to crying until the wee hours of the night;

2. those times when as a child he’d carry all my school stuff and still let me sleep over his shoulders while sitting on his lap during our ride to school;

3. the way he’d take care of me whenever my ulcer attacks despite mom’s nagging on the side on how I’ve abused my health;

4. those times he’d wait up for me or stay up late whenever I’d go home super late or sleepover somewhere;

5. the way he makes me feel so much like him in so many ways, how we have that unique style in showing our real emotions and drink down our sorrows, and especially enjoy and endouver things bad for our health like sweets, peanuts and alcohol;

6. that 2007 valentine’s day when he surprised me with a new bed;

7. my birthday mornings waking up with him blowing me butterfly hugs and kisses in bed;

8. the way we’d mess up together with my brothers mom’s bed happily to make mom angry;

9. the way he calls me erica dalapotpot and kisses me gently on my forehead as he welcomes me home every day;

10. the way he’d overwork himself to support and protect our family despite his brother’s angst;

11. the way he’d dance funny all over the house to irritate my mom;

12. the way he intelligently give his views and opinions over current events while we watch the news on television;

13. the way we’d eat bread or dessert and talk endlessly after every meal complaining together over mom’s cooking we truly enjoyed heartily;

14. the way he’d ask me with puppy dog eyes to sneak up peanuts for him whenever mom is not looking;

15. the way he’d fall in line next to me in asking mom to clean up our ears and cut our toe nails;

16. the way he’d make me feel guilty whenever I treat mom wrongly and decide over my life’s concerns impulsively;

17. the way he’d scare away my suitors together with my brothers;

18. the way he’d be my savior whenever my brothers are pestering me;

19. the way he’d treat me as his only treasure and princess next to the queen who’s my mom; and

20. the thought that he’d forever be the no.1 man in my life to whom the stature of my future husband will have to live up to.

 

this list is not really enough but it sure spells out the feelings of a daddy’s girl looking up to the best father in the whole world.

happy father’s day, papa! i love you.

quality education takes time

June 10, 2009

 It hurts to accept changes in one’s life but we’ll just have to live with it. If it sinks any deeper, we’ll go numb from all the pain and will get used to it eventually.

Never have I imagined I’ll never be able to really fulfill my dreams the way I want them to like one well-drafted time-table. Eventhough nothing is final yet that would permanently prohibit or prevent me perpetually from living my dream profession, I still can’t help but be hurt of the delay already. Classes have already started but here I am in limbo, considering 3 semesters is all that’s left for me to finish law school and finally take my bar exams. It just hurst me deeply.

How I have wasted precious time when I have longed been overdued on my target and expected year of taking my oath. How I have foolishly made wrong decisions that brought me here and to add up those people that made me cross failure grounds. How I sincerely feel shame for my lovedones for causing enough trouble as if their hands aren’t full enough. How important people would react of how my life has suddenly changed its course.

I feel aweful and disappointed of my self. Although this doesn’t necessarily mean I love my self any less. However, this life changing challenge has really made the top of my list of the worst trials of all time. But then again can there be any best trial of all time?

In every trial or challenge, there is always a lesson. It’s not over until it’s over. Whether we like it or not, we’ll just have to accept and embrace the truth that something good always comes out after all these things had gone bad.

I am trying so hard to lighten up but I guess I just can’t hide the pain brought about by reality. I may seem to have moved on and oftentimes I feel guilty about how I act normally human one minute and abnormally ridiculous immediately thereafter, very much temperamental, more like a psychopath… and it is evidently nothing like how I used to handle challenges in my early years. So this just may be what they call growing up.

 

I coursed the path towards the bridge that will bring me to the other side

Halfway almost there, the bridge broke apart

Seeing nothingness from beneath the cliff, I breathed in that cool breeze air

How will I make two ends meet with my own bare hands alone

kapalaran

June 5, 2009

 

Bakit daw mahirap maging masaya at malaya ng sabay?

Ang mga ninanais ng puso at isipan mo akala mo abot kamay mo na pero isang pikit mata lumihis ito ng lipad papalayo sa mga palad mo. Bakit ka pa binigyan ng laya na mangarap kung sadyang may mga bagay sa mundo na hanggang pangarap na lamang at hindi kailanman mapapasakamay mo kahit anong pilit mo. Ngunit sadyang matigas at rebelde ang puso at isip ng tao, mapilit parin sa mga imposible, hindi nalalaan para sa kanya at maging ang mga bawal sa mundo. Malupit daw ang tadhana pero may mas lulupit pa ba sa ginagawa ng tao na kalabanin ang lahat maging ang tadhana kung kaya pinili na pasakitan ang sarili dahil yun lang daw ang makakapagpasaya at makakapagpalaya sa kanya.

Ano nga ba ang sukatan ng kasiyahan at maging ng kalayaan? Hindi ba sumasutal nito ang pagiging makasarili? Sabi ng tao hindi ka magiging makasarili kung may pagmamahal sa puso mo. Subalit hindi ba may iba’t ibang klase ng pagmamahal, meron yun totoo (unconditional) at meron hindi totoo (selfish).

Nagbabago ang hinaharap tuwing nagbabago ang hubog ng isip at puso ng tao, ngunit hindi nga ba hindi naman nagbabago ang mga guhit sa iyong palad na sinasabi rin nilang kapalaran mo sa darating na hinaharap. Kung maipapaliwanag ko lang ang katotohanan gamit ang aking palad o ang mga bituin sa langit, baka sakali maintindihan ko ang lahat-lahat sa mundo. Subalit hindi ko rin naman yun gugustuhin dahil matatali na lamang ako sa mga propesiya na tulad ng tadhana na nagbabago rin naman o maaaring malaking kasinungalingan lamang.

 

Ang hiram na buhay

may pinanggalingan

may paroroonan

may hangganan

of losing

May 21, 2009

 

 There are some things in life that we will lose regretfully forever.

 

In the beginning, you never really thought that you’d even lose it. You got to the idea of having it around for an infinity amount of period which gives you extreme ease and happiness on first thought. But on the second note, it was more out of convenience because it understands you the most as it sees through you because it cares for you truthfully more than it ever imagined itself to and that scares you actually but you choose to shove away such thoughts. You become reckless because you know that no matter what happens it will love you still, understand you and accept you.

 

            However, I guess there are just some things you are bound to lose one way or another and before you know it, you already did. You do regret it but you try to justify things, especially yourself, like you have accepted fate.  Thinking, there just got to be some reason and explanation for all of it, why things had to happen. And sorry seems to be the hardest word.

 

            Even with separate lives, fate had its way of intertwining your worlds with unfortunate event it’s thought crosses your mind, it’s picture, it’s name – the mere mention of it, one remarkably stupid memory from the past, it makes you feel shameful of your self. The worst part of it all you can never turn back time to do things regretfully. The pain you feel is incomparable to hers. You scornfully tell yourself, “what have I done?”

 

            You’ll never truly know one’s worth until it’s gone.

 

            You now silently wish that somehow, someway, it’s happy. As it would seem useless, for everything that’s happened, if not at least one of you is happy.

 

            Words will never be enough to mean what our hearts have to say now, but I will forever be blessed and thankful to have had you once and regret losing you forever.

the filipino family

May 14, 2009

 

Misunderstandings and fights between parents and children is a norm in every Filipino household but this does not necessarily mean that there exists no love and respect in such families. In the aim of producing a breed of perfection coinciding reality, discipline in a variety of ways comes in handy but with full discretion of course of the parents.

 

You would consider missing half of your life if you were deprived of love and discipline of a real family… a family which serves as the basic foundation of every community. However, with the prevalent false and fragmented information circling the globe (both fair and bias, with or without basis, fact or opinion) through the television and the internet showcasing sex and crimes, the true essence of an ideal family has slowly faded away, thus, resulting to a generation of new blood in huge quantity but of less quality.

 

What has become of the Filipino family?

depression (part two)

May 12, 2009

I was asked out of the blue by my officemate,

 

How do you overcome depression?

 

I was taken aback with the question

I thought really hard

I have to have a good answer

Well this is what I finally said

 

Well you have to have a good outlook on life

Lighten up, smile, smiling always starts the healing

Try not to isolate your self from the world

That tends to invite bad thoughts and more loneliness and feeling of helplessness / hopelessness

Surround your self with good company, family, friends, loved-ones

Keep yourself always busy and preoccupied

Work with you mind and your hands

Engage in new/ old activities that you’d enjoy

Explore possibilities of a greater purpose why things are the way they are

Never lose hope

Have faith

Be strong

You may not have the best plan of action to really overcome your depression

But just try the very least

It’s always worth the risk to bring your self up again after stumbling from a fall

 

These are the times when I can not just drown my self in sorrow and wallow in pain

My strong and happy facade can really be my very own morphine

 

how about you?

Depression (part one)

Despite the problems one’s facing, you can be very thankful of loved ones (family and friends) who stuck by you all this time

You try so hard to cheer yourself up while you suffer inside

You join a happy crowd just to keep you sane

Smile a little

Laugh a little

Feel immensely blissful when others are happy

But in a minute or two

The feeling suddenly changes

You convince yourself it’s alright to feel happy

Tagging along a seemingly brilliant smile

Trying to convince others not to really be affected and commiserate with you

You try to hide the pain, tears and frown

Behind the façade opposite the real thing

But it turns out to be too pretentious and false

You can’t really fool anyone/ everyone, especially yourself

Including those who truly knows you inside out

And it pains you even more

The feeling of guilt that you call yourself real but truly some sort of an impersonator

But how can you really be true to yourself

You can’t just walk around town shouting

 

I am not okay

I am having a hard time

I am facing life-changing problems / trials

I am a coward

I am a failure

I am a liar

I am a bad person

I am not worth to love

Stay away from me if you know what’s best for you

I come with major baggage of grief and sorrow and bad luck

Run now, fast

Why me of all people

How can you teach yourself to love yourself again

Despite your flaws, maintain sanity and be strong and fight

And simultaneously live in a world who never fails to judge you, test you, bring you down and destroy you

Every step you take it seems as if

You don’t have any right to be just sad and miserable for everything that’s happening

Because you have to always be considerate and sensitive of people you love

And ultimately live a life

Can’t help it, you tend to think

If it’s best to be alone

May be then

No one can hurt you

Possibly?

Impossible!

If it’s best to die

May be then

The hurting will stop

Possibly?

But only for you

to mama

May 10, 2009

to the most beautiful woman on earth - mama

September 2nd, 2007 by thehukombitay