and the sandman wrote me:

i am sorry

—————————————-

i cried a teardrop and accepted the apology with all my heart. but i feel awful still, for hurting you. please forgive me also, try to forget about the sandman, i left him na sa batangas where he will remain forever whom will disturb us never. i hope we start anew.

please smile with me

no matter how much i try, it will never be good enough.

i feel i committed the biggest mistake of my life. i enrolled this semester using my own funds, my advanced salary. only to find out thereafter that my shoti won’t be able to enroll. if only i can turn back time i would - i’d have my shoti enroll first. i even asked papa if i can go on with the enrolment and he said - “yes”. how was i supposed to know that it was not “okay”?!

hindi ka marunong mag-isip, palibhasa iniisip mo lang sarili mo… 

words don’t have power over you… unless the person who said them means a lot to you… 

it was just too easy for you to say hurtful words. i know you are in pain. i know we are all suffering. but you don’t have to be too hard on me nor on your self. kung may magagawa ako don’t i always make a way and make things a little easier for you and for everyone. don’t make things worse, you are making it all more difficult for everyone to bear. we have survived for the longest time and we will surely survive this time. makakapag-enroll si shoti, i would bet my life on that.

no one can truly understand how i feel…

being sympathetic is different with being emphatic. people can always claim that “they understand you and what you are going through” but they just don’t know how it truly feels. each and everyone of us have our own troubles and trials to face and not one of those are identical, thus, incomparable. not that i hate it when people tell you that those words. i do appreciate those words one way and another but then again at the end of the day i feel i am alone on this still - “other people cannot solve your problems for you, only you can”. and that is what hurts the most, it is just too much to bear. and/but for me, i still choose not to share, not that i am better of without help but only to save me another “alalahanin” and for those people (family & friends only considered), i am saving them additional burden. they too have their own worries and mishaps; and my story can always mess up their minds and even life. i know they are the judge of that but then again it remains to be my life.

ang daling sabihin na “smiling always starts the healing”. i know it’s just too easy to smile. i am like that. but each smile i extend holds a thousand meanings, a thousand stories. so don’t ever judge me, try not to assume a lot.

 i am hurt by your stares… your whispering. you don’t know a thing.

——————————————–

i may say that i’m just ok

i may smile all through the way

i may laugh as if i’m not worrying

i may talk a lot as if i know what i’m saying

but should you get to see what’s realy inside of me

why i try to be funny and crazy

please don’t ask why

just please smile with me

that is all i ask of you

———————————————-

i like it when i see people exchanging laughs, going crazy and simply enjoying themselves, together, just happy together and having the time of their life as if everything is ok. seeing those smiles, those moments make me feel good inside. don’t be mistaken that considering i’m just watching from afar and quiet, i am not enjoying because in truth i am. i have been told a number of times that when i am quiet they sense that there’s always something wrong and that they should be sharing my moment of silence and sorrow. the very words were “masyado mong pinaparamdam na hindi ka ok na dapat kami rin dapat ganun“. that is what’s wrong with me, i have this standard ME, someone who’s always smiling, magulo, masayahin, at madaldal. and in a world where everyone is prejudice, i have no right to show a different side of me. i know i have never been angry but being sad that’s a different story.

when you smile when i’m gloomy, you make my day. your smile, time and presence, that’s all i ask of you. don’t mind me watching as if staring and wishing you all be sad just like me, you are mistaken. you make me happy that way as if it washes all the sadness and worries i have. i really appreciate those times. i will be okay, everything will be ok.

I am my self for the world to hurt… but ultimately Yours for the taking, my Lord God.

The world may be cruel but i choose not to be and that is all because of You.

 ——————————————

I am sorry.

please do accept my apologies. i know i cannot force you. remedy nalang siguro eh please hear out my sorry. alam ko wala akong kasalanan. ayoko rin na you’d feel guilty. but that’s how i felt and that’s what i am sorry for… for feeling i had anything to with it kahit na wala. try to understand me, well i know you do understand me, ang selfish ko ba, kaw na nga problemado dinagdagan ko pa, now you feel guilty. oh i feel so awful. until now. i’d have to change this side of me. i am not at fault and still i say sorry. this would probably be an awakening for me to change my ways. and for others to finally take me seriously. well i know im taken seriously by my true friends but then again i do have a problem on some situations which calls for who are to blame… am i at fault… do i have to say sorry… iba na talaga ngayon i need to grow up…

confused and used and in pain

Love is the sweetest thing, I know. It's the greatest feeling. That is, if the one you love loves you back. There can't be anything better than that. But if the situation is wherein you're falling for someone who just considers you as a friend,that's a different story. As much as possible, evade from those heart-wrenching situations. Love is hard to control, but try anyway. Give your best shot at falling out of love. You're lucky if you detect the absurdity and the pain of unrequited love right away, because it spares you from going through a lot of hell. All you have to do is simply occupy yourself with other things. Have fun with your life. You will fall soon, and this time, you will not get hurt, because he will reciprocate the feeling. It will not be now, but it will come in due time. Love is all about sacrifice, giving one's self freely, with no strings attached, you say. Hell, I know that. I know love is supposed to work that way. Love is really supposed to hurt, but that's what makes love love. But this is my stand. And I know you respect that.Love has pained me so much to actually believe that it is better to have not loved at all.

- di ko toh original statement. just copied it sa blog ng one good friend n sis. very inspiring. but i don't believe in the last statement though. Pain is part of loving. One will not truly know what happiness is until he has felt pain. Ultimate irony of life. sobrang daling sabihin pero ang hirap tanggapin sa sarili lalo na kung ikaw nakakaranas nun pain. i've overcome the pain finally but then where do i go from here i still am not sure. i am afraid of finding happiness as the saying goes that it always comes with a prize.

not on love and pain and happiness

i had this experience which i know i have all the right to share but am ashamed of. i was abused with my consent. men are animals by instinct. and i thought you were different. i'm getting disappointed easily lately with the every flaw i see in you pero pinagbibigyan prn kta dhl i love the attention at may pressure sa friend ko at takot ako na bumalik sa past ko if i don't go forward without any company. but then again until now wala tlga spark eh. am i trying too hard? sana magpasukan na para i'd get to be more busy, by then i don't have to accommodate you more. well, i hope that would be the case eventually. i hope everything was just a dream but i cannot decipher the difference from reality, i was dead drunk and for all i know asleep and dreaming.

i'll never look at you the same way

but i said that a number of times before

although to another you

YOU comes in different persons

i should have known better

daddy’s girl

ok, enough with poetry. dahil inspired ako sa new look ng site ko… super thanks to argyle!!! bow ako sayo. i’ll be writing something worth reading, i hope…

i remember in one episode of the pinoy big brother season 2 celebrity edition… mariel was given a reward by big brother for her accomplished tasks, and the reward (chocolate bar) was to be shared with the guy housemate she considers the sweetest. and after all what donnie/don/donald has done with his brother baron, mariel picked him. then one thought crossed my mind, what makes one sweet and whom do i consider the sweetest guy i know.

i don’t know a lot of men in this world and sweetness can come in a variety of ways and can be interpreted in more than a number of ways. so call me pathetic and loser if i consider my father the sweetest guy i know.

i am a daddy’s girl. i exchange kisses with my father everyday, morning and afternoon, whenever i possibly can. i haven’t felt in any guy i know the same security i feel whenever i’m with my dad. i remember there’s a personality disorder for loving your father too much, it even had the word penis in it, well i think, it was in my psch class back in college. anyhow, i even promised unto my self that the only guy to whom i’ll shed a tear would be the person i’m going to marry and someone who is just like my dad. you may consider me childish, bitter and whatever you want to call it and give me these bullshit statements for keeps, because i’m single that’s why i’m saying all these stuff. ofcourse not. i just want to be sure that i would not disappoint my dad and most specially my self and our future kids.

being sweet is something not that hard to do, but which nonetheless people oftentimes overlook to show. such a pity.

sweetest guy i know other than my dad would be ____________.

nah! my dad remains No.1!

awakening

for every smile that escapes my lips

for every sparkle my eyes releases

for every heartbeat that makes my blood rush

reason has left my earthly body

my soul is reborn

—————————————————————————-

you’ll never truly know a person until that time comes that he/she has finally hurt you

my prayer

Is it too much to ask for you to be my strength

just for tonight

just hold me in your arms

with your thoughts

with all your heart

whisper the words

“everything will be alright”

- i wrote this february 14, 2007; 10:39pm

it was just a few days after our house got burned. my life changed right there and then. i did not cry at all though my heart was bleeding badly. i stared at the ruins with full surrender. whatever is to come i am more than willing to accept wholeheartedly. as what i did eversince. but that day was different. i can’t help but think that nothing will ever be the same again. and just as a i said… nothing was ever the same again…