test of friendship

February 18, 2008

I lie awake pondering endlessly

of thoughts on hardship and pain

and i’ve gone very tired thinking

but still i can’t help it

and i have one wish left

may numbness come over me permanently

then i’ll become invincible

hidden away

from my own shadows of sorrow

:’(

—————————————————————-

too many stories to tell… with so little time

i choose not to speak of mine

—————————————————————-

i witnessed it, was shocked and traumatized by it. in just a brink of a second, a very good friendship came into ruins. will things ever be the same again?

i answer in the negative.

fireworks statements to remember:

A - "you very well know me."

B - "and you should very well know me too."

C - "siguro nga hindi ka namin ganun ka-kilala." told to oneself, referring to A

how can a person truly know his friend’s heart and mind?

is it enough that you are friends?

i again state in the negative.

oftentimes you don’t have to speak in order to be understood

because if you are true friends

you feel for each other, beyond words… beyond actions

exhausted

February 1, 2008

oo simple lang ang buhay

yun eh para sayo

pero wag mo ko itulad sayo

humahanap ka ng sariling problema

sakin dumarating ng hindi ko hinihiling

hindi ako nagsisisi

pero tunay na nahihirapan na ko

tangi kong sandigan

pangarap na sing tayog ng araw

a love story

January 18, 2008

A teardrop.

A mere drop of water cascading down your cheeks.
A minute particle.

It’s mainly water.

And yet, it concludes an entire story..

our story.

puzzle pieces

January 9, 2008

sino nga ba ang tunay na ako?

madalas ko narin natanong sa sarili ko ang tanong na un. pero hanggang ngayon eh mahirap parin isalin sa mga kataga kung anu nga ba talaga. Tapos naisip ko lang i am maintaining 4 blogs, to wit:

livejournal, friendster, multiply at i.ph

does this mean i also have 4 personalities which comprise the real and whole me?

pwede

livejournal - here eh masyadong personal at emotional ang approach, puro private blogs na available lang sa aking mga mata. yun pinaka feeling ko at that particular moment eh i've come to put into words which really makes me relieved pagkatapos ko magsulat. but which nevertheless makes me still remain in the state of whatever feeling that is pero holding the feeling in a different perspective, a part of me that really confuses me all the same. but which i really treasure kc instead of pagiging masyadong tulala at everything just goes decluttered in my braincells eh ayun kinausap ko lang sarili ko through the medium of writing. eto un thinking aloud moments ni erica.

friendster - eto yun spontaneous me. i get to write what i know, mejo na-enhance ang writing skills ko to the point na meron na pumupuri ng blog entries ko. perfect choice of words at ang flow of thoughts eh amazing. dito eh meron ng mga unidentified persons na laging involved sa buhay ko. ang hirap nga lang eh dapat matago sila in such a way na hindi obvious. ang hirap na meron magfeeling. haha. eto un wholesome din dahil my friends get to read it, so dapat safe. haha

multiply - wala akong maisip panu ba ang dapat kong approach dito at sa totoo lang eh i only made the account dahil sa business. pero ngayon eh alam ko na ang dapat kong gawin dito. i'll maintain this as my buhay paralegal. puro cliente namin at mga kaso sa opisina. haha what happened to atty-client privileged communication, well, legal questions naman. eto un ang hirap ko idetermine panu gagawin sa pleadings. kasi naman discretion ko na talaga ang pag-gawa ng pleadings sa office namin. ako un practicing non-lawyer, kulang nalang sakin eh roll of attorney tlga. formality nlng ang pag enter ko sa lawschool, i am already living the life of a lawyer, without ofcourse the luxury of attorney's fees in cash. puro food ang gifts skn ng clients namin eh. hehe no wonder d ako pumapayat.

i.ph - dito eh un journalist-poet-storywriter side of me. enhancing my writing skills on whatever topic na pwde. feelings, thoughts, people, events - kung anuman pwde.

finally, may theme na ang mga blogs ko.

for the full entry just click here

 

love virus no.1

I never really thought i’d understand the male and female specie in one lifetime specially this one that i have now. But then again i am still breathing aren’t I, so I do have my entire lifespan to make the best out of me getting to know, understand, love and probably hate and ultimately co-exist with these testosterone filled living creatures.

meet the bulates:

he can be handsome, cute and adorable

he can be a real gentleman, friendly and easy to get along with

he can be smart and down-to-earth 

he can be funny and witty

he can be a best friend material or a boy-next-door kind of guy

he has the ability to show that femininity inside of him 

and he is single and definitely a straight guy and not gay

what else is there not to like about him

the thing is he is more than torpe

he is a bulate

she can be gorgeous, cute and adorable

she can be a real head-turner, friendly and easy to get along with

she can be smart and down-to-earth 

she can be funny and witty

she can be a best friend material or a girl-next-door kind of gal

she has the ability to show that masculinity inside of her 

and she is single and definitely a straight girl and not lesbian

what else is there not to like about her

the thing is she is not ligawin like there’s an “off-limits signboard” on her forehead

she is a bulate 

he and she shows their feelings indirectly and very inconsistently

- women knows better than to read between the lines, assume a lot and be conceited

- men knows better than to reason out that they are just being normally nice as that is how they are

when the male bulate likes and adores a certain girl

he remains silent but always around

he speaks to no one about what’s the deal between the two of them

he hides the truth if not bends it

one hint of discouragement or rejection

they’d forever play it safe

and never admit their true feelings

and deep inside he’s hurt

and the female somehow adopted the male bulate’s actions

he became a habit and routine she can’t escape

played along acting all out bulate even if she’s not

she remains silent

accepts whatever’s thrown at her feet

but never really managed to control her thoughts and emotions

she is unstable for being insecure

one hint that the male bulate plays cassanova

they’d be blinded and become martyrs

chooses not to tell anyone

for being shy and afraid of a truth in her eyes are in fact all lies

bleeding and breaking down into pieces inside

but smiles as if she rules the world and loves her rockin’ life

and then they try to be indifferent towards each other

with every look

every touch

every smell

every moment

every mention of the other bulate’s name

they stumble and stutter

they themselves cannot even decipher which is the real them anymore

and which of their actions are result of their true feelings and not just another justification of a nice deed for a very good and/or dear friend but not a girlfriend/boyfriend

because as the girl returns the affection and attention

it is as good as they were “it” - a couple with mutual understanding

but not so everybody knows

and not so they both confirm and admit to themselves

beating around the bush, the bulate does not demand his/her wants and needs

what they do is submit him/herself to the extent that he/she’d make the other person feel to owe them the same submission

there is an unwritten commitment

a never-ending pakiramdaman

oftentimes they understand the other’s thoughts and feelings

as they assume they do and obviously true - - well, in their world

but still they don’t talk about it

they are both enclosed in a fantasy world only they can understand

as if nobody else exists

but then there is no security

all because there is no formality

clueless 

how it all began

who made the first move

when was it final

and with a tear drop

over a petty misunderstanding

over bruised egos versus self-respect versus love versus survival

questions and ranting of the cruel world begin to shake their enclosed world

the male bulate takes a seatback

and denies everything had meaning

same with the female

she accepts what other people think and everything else that pollutes her mind

and denies everything was real

that there was something

and the battle begins

he is hurt

and she is hurt

then they never talked and hanged out just as they did before

a relationship doomed from the beginning

now they live two separate lives

with an untold story only the two of them know

an untold story without an ending

——————————————————————————–

i am not really an authority in the male and likewise the female specie.. i just happen to know two people who used to be two bulates… well actually they remain to be still at present…

 

 

goodbye 2007… hello 2008

December 29, 2007

somehow i've ran out of words to say lately.. i prefer not talking at all.. nor writing a word..

it seems that everything is getting mixed-up in my head and i'm all speechless.. can't find the strength to just splurt it out

2007 is about to end.. that's what bothering me. it started different .. difficult.. painful.. and all i asked for christmas was a change … change of everything.. is it too much to ask after an entire year of mostly suffering.. i guess i'm bitter, i've got regrets.. of things i had no control of happening. and so i'm not totally happy about everything that happened. somehow i want to be oblivious of everything.. and just stop thinking.. for a change…

january 2, 2008

but then again i only had 2 wishes for christmas, which i am thankful for for having come true:

1. makapag prelims 

2. makalipat sa tinagan

and so for everything else that didn't turn out great just when the year is about to end. and i welcomed 2008 with a heavy heart. with all my might i tried to think positive and think about the blessings in a gazillion disguises that made me a better person -stronger & wiser, who's about to welcome 2008. i know i am still blessed and very much loved… and that is something to be happy about.

the best and the worst of 2007

1. my dad had to give up 9th ave service shop

2. pseudo misunderstanding with a dear sis 

3. feb 12 - our house caught fire

       - and the blessings that came my way

                     thanks to the people who shared/showed their love for me

4. 25th wedding anniversary of my parents

5. 50th birthday of papa

6. i am doing good in law school

7. testimonial dinner project i helped made possible 

8. selling our calamansi trees in mindoro

9. CLED of welski & rjil @ the office and the new found sunshine i found in rjil

10. gave-up 18 slaps and the hukombitay - powerbitch me

11. having met my final arellano barkada - vince, pat (ia), vanessa, hazel, ina, jp, gary

12. i was not hospitalized in 2007… and not much ulcer attacks i cannot handle

13. a happy 23rd birthday

14. lola vib passed away

15. papa khitz passed away

16. i had the best sembreak in my entire lawschool experience

17. my braindead moments with my dear bro n sis to make sure i'm safe

18. finally having let go of my first love in arellano

19. having fallen for edgar and watch him play ball

20. giving up edgar (he's officially taken)

21. meeting allan and hurting him

22. having mocked at for entering law school

23. trying times at the office and enduring it with my boss

24. having jojo at the office

25. mga pasaway na cliente

26. piling-up debts and getting a way through our family's financial crisis

            thanks to wonderful friends and circumstances to make it through somehow

27. business opportunity with racks and our shortcomings in the process

28. finally saying NO

29. the bitch with rusty hair experience

30. crying and not crying moments

31. wonderful people i've come to know more in TOL

32. wonderful friend i never thought i'd treasure again - diyosa

33. having tracy as my best friend for another year

34. paglipat pabalik sa tinagan and saying goodbye to our rented apartment

35. christmas 2007 with no christmas tree, no open house, no christimas mass and no gift-giving (my family's first after 23 years of my life) but then again as long as the family is together i could not ask for more… and we were together

36. walking out of our house on dec29th crying

37. media noche welcoming 2008

38. and a lot more i cannot anymore mention

 —————————————————————-

dear God,

i am truly thankful for all the blessings, things-events-people that made me smile and frown, laugh and cry, happy and sad, blissful and sorrowful, wise and stupid, strong and weak… and becoming the person i am now. i am ashamed to face you most of the times because i still feel unworthy and imperfect but you have somehow made it possible to catch me everytime i run away. i am truly sorry for every sin i committed/ommitted that caused you pain. please do forgive me. i have made quite a number of promises i have somehow broken. i have let selfishness overcome my self. but with the realizations thereafter i always rise and make that great comeback. thank you for that free will. thank you for the everyday life that breathes in me and the people i love. it was a tough year but i made it through, we made it through and we will continue to make it through - all thanks to you. for another year, i pray for strength, love, good health and wisdom not just for me and my family and loveones but also for all the people in the world, that is all i ask of you. Amen

 —————————————————————-

it is not easy being happy but it is far difficult being sad. but both happiness and sadness are just a state of mind and a choice that each of us make. everything in this world is not borne out solely of fate and circumstance because we all have a choice - that is freewill. and that is why there is change.

life is not easy and no one ever promised it will be… so make the best choices, erica… you can do it! fighting! 2008 is your year!

A letter for myself

December 14, 2007

Be patient.

Be numb.

Be strong.

Have faith.

Hold on tight.

Maintain your ground.

Maintain your sanity.

God is good.

You are souring high 

despite reason that you remain to be a prisoner

of time, of circumstance, of people, and of destiny.

Just smile …

even when the heavens fall.

Never quit.

—————————————————

 

A Mantra 

I am afraid of the unknown.

I don't ever want to get tired of smiling.

I will never get tired of smiling.

It is alright to be afraid. 

I will reap what i sow… it will just have to take time.

para sa bawat Pilipino

November 24, 2007

PILIPINO BASAHIN MO ITO (author unknown)

Sabi MO , ang gobyerno natin ay palpak.

Sabi MO , ang mga batas natin ay sinauna.

Sabi MO , ang lokal na pamahalaan natin ay hindi
maganda ang pagkolekta ng basura at ang paglilinis ng
mga lugar.

Sabi MO , hindi gumagana ang mga telepono, katatawanan
ang kalagayan ng trapiko, at hindi nakakarating sa
paroroonan ang mga sulat.

Sabi MO , parang nasadlak sa basura ang ating buong
bansa.

Sabi Mo , sabi MO, sabi MO.

E ano’ng ginagawa mo tungkol dito?

Kumuha ka ng isang taong papunta sa Singapore . Bigyan
mo sya ng pangalan, yung sa IYO. Bigyan MO sya ng
mukha, yung sa IYO. Lumabas KA sa airport nang
pinakamatino mong sarili na maipagmamalaki sa mundo..

Sa Singapore Hindi KA nagtatapon ng upos ng sigarilyo
sa kalye. Ipinagmamalaki MO ang magaganda nilang
underpass. Nagbabayad KA ng mga 60 pesos para
makapagmaneho sa Orchard Road (parang EDSA) mula alas
5 hanggang alas 8 ng gabi. Bumalik KA sa parking lot
para bayaran ang parking tiket mo kung napasobra ka ng

oras sa shopping o sa pagkain sa isang restaurant. Sa
Singapore , wala KAng sinasabi, meron ba?

Hindi MO susubukang kumain sa lantad kapag Ramadan sa
Dubai . Hindi MO susubukang lumabas ng bahay na walang
takip ang mukha sa Jeddah.
Hindi MO susubukang lagyan ang isang empleyado ng
kumpanya ng telepono sa London para mapunta sa ibang
tao ang mga long distance na tawag mo.

Hindi MO susubukang lumampas ng 90 kilometers per hour
sa Washington, at saka sasabihin sa pulis “Alam mo
kung sino ako?”

Bakit di MO subukang dumura o magtapon ng upos ng
sigarilyo o balat ng kendi sa mga kalye sa Tokyo ?

Bakit hindi MO subukang bumili ng pekeng mga papeles
sa Boston tulad ng ginagawa sa Recto?

Pinag-uusapan pa rin natin IKAW.

IKAW na gumagalang at sumusunod sa patakarang banyaga
sa ibang bansa pero hindi makasunod sa sarili mong
lugar.

IKAW na tapon ng tapon sa kalye pagtuntong mo pa lang
sa lupa.

Kung IKAW ay nakikisalamuha at pumupuri ng systema sa
bansang banyaga, bakit hindi KA maging ganyan sa
Pilipinas?

Minsan sa isang panayam, ang dating Subic
Administrator na si Gordon ay may katwiran ng sinabi
nyang “Ang mga aso ng mayayaman ay pinalalakad at
pinadudumi ng may-ari sa kalye, tapos sila mismo ang
pumupuna sa may katungkulan sa kapalpakan sa
paglilinis ng mga kalye. Ano ang gusto nilang gawin ng
mga may katungkulan? Magwalis tuwing makakaramdam ng
hindi maganda sa tiyan ang kanilang alaga?”

Sa America , bawat may-ari ng alaga ay dapat maglinis
matapos ang pagdumi ng aso. Ganuon din sa Japan .

Gagawin ba ng mga Pilipino yun dito? Tama sya.

Pumupunta tayo sa botohan para pumili ng gobyerno at
pagkatapos nuon ay tinatanggal na natin sa sarili ang
responsibilidad. Uupo tayo sa isang tabi at
paghihintay ng pagkalinga at umaasa na gagawin ng
gobyerno ang lahat habang wala tayong iniaalay.

Umaasa tayo sa pamahalaan na maglinis, ngunit hindi
naman tayo titigil sa pagtatapon ng basura sa kung
saan-saan, at ni hindi tayo pupulot ng anumang piraso
ng papel para itapon sa basurahan.

Pagdating sa mga panlipunang talakayin tulad nang
hindi pagiging tapat sa kasal, sa mga dalagang ina, sa
pagtatalik ng walang basbas ng kasal, at iba pa,
maingay tayong nagpoprotesta ngunit patuloy naman
nating ginagawa ang mga ito.

Sa sandaling tayo ay mangulila kapag nasa labas tayo
ng bansa, naghahanap tayo ng aliw sa iba, kadalasan sa
kapwa rin natin Pilipino, na hindi natin iniisip ang
ating katungkulan na ating sinumpaan sa ating pamilya
nuong narito pa tayo.

Tapos sinisisi natin ang pamahalaan kapag nakikita
natin ang karahasan sa kabataan, pagkagumon sa bawal
na gamot, at iba pa, samantalang sinimulan natin ito
sa hindi pagpansin sa pangangailangan ng ating mga
anak ng tunay na pag-gabay at responsibilidad ng isang
magulang.

Ang sabi natin, “Ang buong sistema ang kailangang
magbago. Ano ang magagawa kung ako lang ang
magpapabago sa aking pamilya?”

E sino ang magbabago ng sistema?

Ano ba ang mga sankap ng sistema? Napakaginhawa sa
atin na ang sistema ay binubuo ng ating mga
kapitbahay, mga ibang tahanan, ibang syudad, ibang
komunidad, at ang pamahalaan. Pero hindi kasama IKAW
at AKO. Pagdating sa ating pagkakaroon ng positibong
handog sa sistema, ikinakandado natin ang sarili, pati

na ang ating pamilya sa loob ng isang ligtas na pugad
at tumatanaw na lang tayo sa malayong mga lugar at
bansa at naghihintay ng isang Mr. Clean na dumating at
maghatid na mga himala.

O lumilikas tayo. Parang mga tamad na duwag na hindi
pinatatahimik ng ating mga takot, tumatakbo tayo sa
Amerika upang makisalo sa kanilang luwalhati at
purihin sa kanilang sistema. Pero pag naging
masalimuot sa New York tatakbo tayo sa Japan o
Hongkong. Pag nagkahirapan ang paghanap ng trabaho sa
Hongkong, sakay agad tayo sa susunod na eroplano
patungong Gitnang Silangan. Pag may digmaan sa Gulf,
inaasahan nating masagip at mapauwi ng Gobyernong
Pilipino.

Lahat ay handang umabuso at gumahasa sa bansa. Walang
nag-iisip na handugan ang sistema. Ang konsyensya
natin ay nakasanla sa pera. Mga mahal kong kababayan,
ang sulating ito ay matinding nakakakislot ng isipan,
nangangailangan ng maraming pagmumuni-muni, at
tumutusok din sa konsyensya. Medyo inuulit ko lang
ayon sa ating salita ang mga salita ni John
.F.Kennedy sa kanyang kabansa upang maitugma sa ating
mga Pilipino:

“Itanong natin kung ano ang magagawa natin sa ating
bansang Pilipinas at gawin ang nararapat upang ang
Pilipinas ay maging tulad ng Amerika at ibang
kanlurang bansa ngayon.”

Gawin natin kung ano ang kailangan ng Pilipinas sa
atin. Ipasa ito sa lahat ng Pilipino.

 

What we do does not define us but it is how we rise after falling that is. - from the movie Maid in Manhattan.

It is never too late for every Filipino to make a difference in their lives for the betterment of this country. Despite all our flaws and mishaps, Filipinos were born to stand out not among the stars but rather for the entire galaxy to be truly blessed to have us around. We are proud to be called Filipinos, from the color of our skin, the size of our eyes and the intellect that we have which are all praised and appreciated by a lot of foreigners but which we ourselves nonetheless take for granted. Discrimination and double standards does not always start from other people, oftentimes it begins within us. It all boils down to starting within ourselves, our immediate crowds and circle of lovedones that we make a difference, a step closer to making the big change.

 

the funny and friendly me

November 16, 2007

 

You are Chandler. You're funny and that's why people like to have you around. You're also a great friend, and when someone you care about is in trouble, they know to come to you for some level-headed advice followed by some sharp sarcasm.

i can't totally agree though, they say i'm the serious and moody type who never crack jokes although i do enjoy the company of people with a great sense of humor, all i do is give that typical smiling face who looks so dumb dahil late reaction or you can say no reaction or sadyang stupid at hindi makuha un joke. But what can i say I am truly lovable like this.

On being a great friend, eto tried and tested na. I'd die for a friend for a thousand times if I could. Then I never really thought I'm appreciated because I don't usually get the same in return from them. Oh well I never did ask for help anyway, what do I have to expect. And then the wrost tragedy came and everyone I needed came without me asking for them. I felt so loved, so cared for, so important and ultimately blessed. You indeed reap what you sow.

rainbow

November 15, 2007

After seeing Edgar in the flesh last night, I had my mind set for a great time pushing my brain to its limit. But then having dinner alone in my favorite 24-hr fast food chain Burger King has somehow lured my interest towards a different direction. I kept on staring at the newspaper rack; it was just transferred beside the door for me to see it. I am not the typical newspaper reader, I usually go for the cartoon page first and that’s only during Sundays when I get to hangout with my dad. But when I feel like it, I can actually read them from cover to cover.

Read anything from this rack but remember to put them back.

 

I can’t seem to take my eyes off the rack. I stood up and got my self Philippine Star at first but won’t let me so I got hold of Philippine Daily Inquirer instead. Finally, i said.

Front Page Headline - "Batasan Bombed" read the article and got pissed with JDV saying "It’s a terrorists doing definitely trying to destabilize the government." I uttered, "bullshit!"

I turned at the last page instead and started to appreciate the newspaper once again. After a few pages, one article got to my senses. I got hold of my yellow paper and wrote:

I want you to remember, there are compensations in life. There always are, or we wouldn’t go on living. You don’t feel well, now; neither do I. But something will happen to fix that. Do you believe that?" - said Ann Taylor in A Story of Love by Ray Bradbury 

The columnist talked of wishing for an early death, which was really the perfect line to capture the reader’s eye. To read more check out 2BU! Face your fears: A Story of Loss by Bianca Consunji, Philippine Daily Inquirer, November 14, 2007 issue.

With everything that has happened and is happening, I never did wish for death to come my way. In fact I always wish the opposite - "not my family… not now… I need them."

I am not the perfect daughter and the ideal sister but I know I am a good daughter and a loving sister. I may act differently towards my each family member but my love for them is one and the same thing, that which is pure and true. When they are in pain, I hurt more. thus, makes me pray always that it’s better I carry the burden instead of them because I know I can handle it more lightly. Death was never ever wished for. Not that I am afraid of what lies after death but leaving my family behind is an act of cowardice.

I had another confirmation… an answer to my prayers. I need not be afraid. As the author Bianca Consunji wrote,

I will never stop fearing loss, but the promise of other things - of rosy dreams painted in the sky - has since eclipsed that. 

I couldn’t agree more. Everything that happens indeed comes with a prize.

To end this, let me share excerpts from the lyrics of Southborder in one of its popular hits, Rainbow:

Take a little time baby
See the butterflies colors
Listen to the birds that were sent
To sing for me and you
Can you feel me
This is such a wonderful place to be

Even if there is pain now
Everything will be alright
For as long as the world still turns
There will be night and day
Can you hear me
There’s a rainbow always after the rain