mixed emotions

March 16, 2008

my final exams are yet to be over but i’ve been dreading this very moment i’d get to write again. i missed it so much… with everything that’s happened in my life and the world around me, there’s so much i want to put into words and phrases… in poems and short stories…

amidst the chaos

ever since the zte scandal broke in the open, with on-going senate hearings, lozada kidnapping and testimony and quotable quotes, almost daily conducted nationwide rallies, and the oust gma campaign… the Philippines is seem to be in the brink of collapse… and the worst part of it, people are still suffering…

and while i awaited my fx ride to school, there i saw three (3) vendors lulan ang kani-kanilang paninda sa tig-iisang pedicab, mais, siopao, mani… hindi ko na malala yun paninda. they asked the traffic enforcer how to get to makati. all i can remember was i stared at them for so long i forgot about my class which is about to start in a few minutes. the traffic enforcer directed them the fastest route towards makati. it was only pass 5pm if i remember it correctly and the rally was to start by 8pm i believe. then my eyes followed the three vendors, they had a long way to go, they need a head start. yes, amidst the chaos people are clamoring over the presidency and the talamak corruption under the present administration, but with the rallies these vendors are also earning. the ralliest are his source of income. they are not there to oust the presidency. not that they care less of the situation of the country but it’s a matter of time that if they take more time complaining against the government they would rather work their asses out to be able to provide for their empty stomachs and their families.

poverty…

i await for the time when noone has to stay hungry…

i remember my professor telling me and the rest of the class to do something about reality. exercise our rights, make a stand and fight for justice or for whatever cause… so much for rights, priveleges and justice… it’s always easier said than done… if he only knew what i’m going through to survive this life… i’m not at all complaining… not that i’m complaining… but at least i’m doing something with my life. i am doing my part, making a difference in my own way, touching lives within my grasp and unlike any other filipino doing nothing…

each one of us plays a part in the society…

what does the rest of filipino people have to say?

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i am so happy for a very good brother… because he is in love

mas kinikilig pa nga ako at the rest of school sa love story nya kaysa sa kanya eh… but then as i found him now, only after 1 week of courting the girl… he seems so down. lakas na nga ata ng tama nun girl sa kanya. the thought of his competitors has become more than a threat to him.

all i had to say was… if you are in love.. you need not be afraid… just show it… and prove it…. be not afraid of rejection, because you’ll never have to regret every moment you spend with her because you only let your self love… without condition… without question… with all your heart… all the more reason now that he is sure that he loves the girl and not just another feeling of happiness and infatuation and lust..

love is a splendid feeling… he should rejoice

too easy for me to say…

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it’s my dad’s birthday tomorrow, and he’s turning 51… and i’m excited and a bit disappointed for my self because i have nothing to offer him… hay

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oh how i miss you so

beyond the sky

beyond the stars

beyond humanity

beyond ecstacy

when will i see you again

when will you love me again

——————————————————————————————-

please take a look at me

and tell me what you see

can you through me

beyond the flesh

beyond the smile

beyond the sparkle of my eyes

do you see light

or is it fire

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just a little more time… all it takes is a leap of faith

carpediem

 

the love bug

February 26, 2008

There is no such word as unconditional love; love in it’s very nature is unconditional. Anything else is just fascination, infatuation, lust, or favoritism. (quote from Noted..)

And after all this time i call it unconditional love…

1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 

4 Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, 5 does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, 6 does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

love… love … love… the love bug hits it again…

a story of a girl

February 24, 2008

she was noone special but not so ordinary

she’s not the typical alluring person every boy in town would want to flock around

but she’s pretty in her own way, sparkling eyes, and really nice

she is smart and diligent

she had matured a lot beyond her biological years

considering the many shortcomings she went through

a lot of people just don’t get her but she can live with that

she likes pleasing people

she seems always happy, content & active

but she hurts a lot inside

all she longs for is that usual a warm hug, complemented by that hand-squeeze and an occasional pat on the shoulder

so as to assure her strength & endurance

and that she is not alone

that she is important 

that she is loved

that she is alive

is that too much to ask for

the first meeting

he was just another face in the crowd she never thought she’d even get acquainted to

but just when he passed by

she just had to say it, he really smelled good

the scent of him had since then made her heart skip a bit everytime he passes by

never did she know, that scent would plague her for the rest of her life

 

my valentine @ 23

February 23, 2008

due to fortuitous events, i failed to mention anything about my valentine this 2008. ofcourse wala akong date but then i did have plans for the day. i was off to work well late as usual. another busy day attending to ruitinary legal matters, talking like the typical always-busy-lawyer. haha feeling. but honestly, i did made arrangements to have a personal remand of records from the court of appeals to the regional trial court of caloocan city. i had to talk to a lot of people and spend my own money which to this date have not been completely reimbursed by my very kind boss. mission accomplished! the records have been personally remanded on the very day i asked them to because the hearing for execution was set the next day. now, that’s what i call efficient public service.

it was the last day for the barops 08 fundraising activity back-to-back with its annual recruitment. and afterwhich the execom together with the 8 subject commissioners had it’s very first meeting. we had yellow cab pizzas. napaka worth-it ng activity dahil we were able to raise P30,000 in "kilawbot ng are". it was helluva a week but it was really worth it.

sometime after cleaning our the barops booth, i remembered UP fair. my Are barkada (vanessa, hazel, ia, ina, jp, vince & gary) made plans for all of us to attend UP fair @ Diliman campus. but then due to the events that occured on the eve of valentines, everyone backed-out the last minute. i didn’t get to see any of my girlfriends to give them balloons. too bad. better luck next UP fair, erica. there are more pressing matters to deal with other than fun to worry about. ok fine!

ok the valentine’s bug is slowly sinking in me while i was on my way home. if only i knew our UP fair schedule was cancelled ahead of time, i should have made arrangements to go out with my best friend instead. then i looked at the first 3 wonderful gifts i received this valentines.

1. a heart-shaped red balloon

2. a pink pillow printed with the word "love" with an attached string connecting to a pink stuffed animal which looks like another cousin of stitch, which makes noises I cannot put into any understandable translation

3. a white rose

may malisya man o wala, i was very touched, first time ko mabigyan ng such gifts during valentines. yup, first time. don’t ask why, because i don’t know either. i can’t say hindi ako dapat bigyan, well let’s just say no one did ever consider me to care about flowers and valentines. well, they are all wrong. i love flowers, chocolates, stuffed toys/pillows, a red ribbon cake, and the fireworks. asa pa ko, wala nga ko boyfriend every valentines, what do i expect. i’m not the typical ligawin kind of girl with a dozen flowers being delivered to my doorstep. i am just another ordinary girl waiting for my one great true love, i’m sure he’s getting ready for our future valentine’s together. i’m still young, i’m in no hurry, ok i may say these things out loud, but i may mean otherwise. you can’t blame me, i am 23 turning 24, who is still single, who have not spent a single valentine in my 23 years of life with a valentine. get it?!

just when i thought my valentine can’t get any better or worse, i received the best valentine’s gift ever, "a bed". my dad made me a bed! now i don’t have to sleep with my brothers or my parents or the floor anymore. since our house got burned last year until we transferred to an apartment and returned to our newly built home, i have had great difficulty sleeping peacefully because i get to sleep anywhere other than a real bed (well except i get to sleepover with friends & relatives), my own bed. but now, i have my own bed! i was really ecstatic and hugged my parents. my mom placed clean sheets over my new bed. it’s not really a lovely bed if anyone would get to see it. but it is a bed, my very own bed. there’s still no cushion, to which i’d have to endure for a while. as i hugged on to the pink pillow i received and laid on my new bed, i prayed to God with just two words, "thank you."

how can i not consider my dad to be the sweetest person i know? this is just another one of those many reasons i’d still have him as no.1 in my list.

 

test of friendship

February 18, 2008

I lie awake pondering endlessly

of thoughts on hardship and pain

and i’ve gone very tired thinking

but still i can’t help it

and i have one wish left

may numbness come over me permanently

then i’ll become invincible

hidden away

from my own shadows of sorrow

:’(

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too many stories to tell… with so little time

i choose not to speak of mine

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i witnessed it, was shocked and traumatized by it. in just a brink of a second, a very good friendship came into ruins. will things ever be the same again?

i answer in the negative.

fireworks statements to remember:

A - "you very well know me."

B - "and you should very well know me too."

C - "siguro nga hindi ka namin ganun ka-kilala." told to oneself, referring to A

how can a person truly know his friend’s heart and mind?

is it enough that you are friends?

i again state in the negative.

oftentimes you don’t have to speak in order to be understood

because if you are true friends

you feel for each other, beyond words… beyond actions

exhausted

February 1, 2008

oo simple lang ang buhay

yun eh para sayo

pero wag mo ko itulad sayo

humahanap ka ng sariling problema

sakin dumarating ng hindi ko hinihiling

hindi ako nagsisisi

pero tunay na nahihirapan na ko

tangi kong sandigan

pangarap na sing tayog ng araw

a love story

January 18, 2008

A teardrop.

A mere drop of water cascading down your cheeks.
A minute particle.

It’s mainly water.

And yet, it concludes an entire story..

our story.

puzzle pieces

January 9, 2008

sino nga ba ang tunay na ako?

madalas ko narin natanong sa sarili ko ang tanong na un. pero hanggang ngayon eh mahirap parin isalin sa mga kataga kung anu nga ba talaga. Tapos naisip ko lang i am maintaining 4 blogs, to wit:

livejournal, friendster, multiply at i.ph

does this mean i also have 4 personalities which comprise the real and whole me?

pwede

livejournal - here eh masyadong personal at emotional ang approach, puro private blogs na available lang sa aking mga mata. yun pinaka feeling ko at that particular moment eh i've come to put into words which really makes me relieved pagkatapos ko magsulat. but which nevertheless makes me still remain in the state of whatever feeling that is pero holding the feeling in a different perspective, a part of me that really confuses me all the same. but which i really treasure kc instead of pagiging masyadong tulala at everything just goes decluttered in my braincells eh ayun kinausap ko lang sarili ko through the medium of writing. eto un thinking aloud moments ni erica.

friendster - eto yun spontaneous me. i get to write what i know, mejo na-enhance ang writing skills ko to the point na meron na pumupuri ng blog entries ko. perfect choice of words at ang flow of thoughts eh amazing. dito eh meron ng mga unidentified persons na laging involved sa buhay ko. ang hirap nga lang eh dapat matago sila in such a way na hindi obvious. ang hirap na meron magfeeling. haha. eto un wholesome din dahil my friends get to read it, so dapat safe. haha

multiply - wala akong maisip panu ba ang dapat kong approach dito at sa totoo lang eh i only made the account dahil sa business. pero ngayon eh alam ko na ang dapat kong gawin dito. i'll maintain this as my buhay paralegal. puro cliente namin at mga kaso sa opisina. haha what happened to atty-client privileged communication, well, legal questions naman. eto un ang hirap ko idetermine panu gagawin sa pleadings. kasi naman discretion ko na talaga ang pag-gawa ng pleadings sa office namin. ako un practicing non-lawyer, kulang nalang sakin eh roll of attorney tlga. formality nlng ang pag enter ko sa lawschool, i am already living the life of a lawyer, without ofcourse the luxury of attorney's fees in cash. puro food ang gifts skn ng clients namin eh. hehe no wonder d ako pumapayat.

i.ph - dito eh un journalist-poet-storywriter side of me. enhancing my writing skills on whatever topic na pwde. feelings, thoughts, people, events - kung anuman pwde.

finally, may theme na ang mga blogs ko.

for the full entry just click here

 

love virus no.1

I never really thought i’d understand the male and female specie in one lifetime specially this one that i have now. But then again i am still breathing aren’t I, so I do have my entire lifespan to make the best out of me getting to know, understand, love and probably hate and ultimately co-exist with these testosterone filled living creatures.

meet the bulates:

he can be handsome, cute and adorable

he can be a real gentleman, friendly and easy to get along with

he can be smart and down-to-earth 

he can be funny and witty

he can be a best friend material or a boy-next-door kind of guy

he has the ability to show that femininity inside of him 

and he is single and definitely a straight guy and not gay

what else is there not to like about him

the thing is he is more than torpe

he is a bulate

she can be gorgeous, cute and adorable

she can be a real head-turner, friendly and easy to get along with

she can be smart and down-to-earth 

she can be funny and witty

she can be a best friend material or a girl-next-door kind of gal

she has the ability to show that masculinity inside of her 

and she is single and definitely a straight girl and not lesbian

what else is there not to like about her

the thing is she is not ligawin like there’s an “off-limits signboard” on her forehead

she is a bulate 

he and she shows their feelings indirectly and very inconsistently

- women knows better than to read between the lines, assume a lot and be conceited

- men knows better than to reason out that they are just being normally nice as that is how they are

when the male bulate likes and adores a certain girl

he remains silent but always around

he speaks to no one about what’s the deal between the two of them

he hides the truth if not bends it

one hint of discouragement or rejection

they’d forever play it safe

and never admit their true feelings

and deep inside he’s hurt

and the female somehow adopted the male bulate’s actions

he became a habit and routine she can’t escape

played along acting all out bulate even if she’s not

she remains silent

accepts whatever’s thrown at her feet

but never really managed to control her thoughts and emotions

she is unstable for being insecure

one hint that the male bulate plays cassanova

they’d be blinded and become martyrs

chooses not to tell anyone

for being shy and afraid of a truth in her eyes are in fact all lies

bleeding and breaking down into pieces inside

but smiles as if she rules the world and loves her rockin’ life

and then they try to be indifferent towards each other

with every look

every touch

every smell

every moment

every mention of the other bulate’s name

they stumble and stutter

they themselves cannot even decipher which is the real them anymore

and which of their actions are result of their true feelings and not just another justification of a nice deed for a very good and/or dear friend but not a girlfriend/boyfriend

because as the girl returns the affection and attention

it is as good as they were “it” - a couple with mutual understanding

but not so everybody knows

and not so they both confirm and admit to themselves

beating around the bush, the bulate does not demand his/her wants and needs

what they do is submit him/herself to the extent that he/she’d make the other person feel to owe them the same submission

there is an unwritten commitment

a never-ending pakiramdaman

oftentimes they understand the other’s thoughts and feelings

as they assume they do and obviously true - - well, in their world

but still they don’t talk about it

they are both enclosed in a fantasy world only they can understand

as if nobody else exists

but then there is no security

all because there is no formality

clueless 

how it all began

who made the first move

when was it final

and with a tear drop

over a petty misunderstanding

over bruised egos versus self-respect versus love versus survival

questions and ranting of the cruel world begin to shake their enclosed world

the male bulate takes a seatback

and denies everything had meaning

same with the female

she accepts what other people think and everything else that pollutes her mind

and denies everything was real

that there was something

and the battle begins

he is hurt

and she is hurt

then they never talked and hanged out just as they did before

a relationship doomed from the beginning

now they live two separate lives

with an untold story only the two of them know

an untold story without an ending

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i am not really an authority in the male and likewise the female specie.. i just happen to know two people who used to be two bulates… well actually they remain to be still at present…