a discovery

I never really thought I affect a lot of people in my everyday life. I never really thought what I do is very much appreciated by people. Call me pathetic and pessimistic but I oftentimes think lowly of my self. Major case of inferiority complex… definitely.

Although I like helping other people… serving others… doing good deeds… not because of the good karma it brings and that altruistic feeling of satisfaction but it has just been my way of life. I can’t say I’m always happy with this setup because believe me there are times I’m fed up of my goody-two-shoes self especially when I do it at the expense of my self happiness or self respect and its not so good effect on my health… and it’s more of a burden than a really promising undertaking… I still go on with it. I can’t say I’m playing hypocrite because I truly am absolutely wholeheartedly doing it without hesitation once I commence the very overt act of goodness and service.

But then there are just those times when I feel unappreciated of this good deeds and that when problems seem to pour like rain only on top of my head. I don’t really ask for it, i.e., appreciation or reward, I know I am worth more than a compliment, another thank you or another prize of a good life ahead of me but then I can’t help but feel empty or regretful especially so when I am told and called as an abused-with-my-consent loser.

Then I continuously shrugged off the idea to keep my self sane and alive. This is me. There is more to me than being kind and nice but I don’t have to explain my self. I don’t owe anyone an explanation or justification of why I am like this. Whether I am loved or not I don’t really have to bother my self on thinking what is more than obvious to believe to be real in the first place. It will just be a constant struggle of discovering the unknown.

Then when I least expect the answers to these questions of why I am truly this wonderful person with a heart of gold always in service of others. This is me. I am loved this way like nobody else in the world. I am truly irreplaceable and one in a million gem.

I am loved and appreciated by many and they need not say it to prove it.

I don’t have to ask for help whenever I need one, because help comes without me even asking for it. Take for instance the time our house caught fire… I did not feel pity at all for everyone who offered help whether they be prayers, warm hug, encouraging words or material help. To top it off I got everything. I felt so loved by many…by everyone. I did not feel offended in so far as I’d consider my self as a charity recipient but rather someone who plainly needs all the help I need because I deserve it and there’s no need for payback. It’s not even utang na loob for them nor another act for good karma. It is for me alone… to be loved and taken good care of.

I am not the typical "alagain" kind of person. You can see it in my eyes I can manage on my own. It’s not because I see myself as superior and can do it all but rather I really don’t like bothering other people for my troubles. My thoughts, my feelings, my wants, my needs… it’s all hidden inside of me for everyone else not to see. Not that I am shy because I truly am not but this is just me. I remember one time when my friends and I got together and decided to share our thoughts on each other’s good and bad sides. I was told by all of them…unanimously yes - that coming out too strong and too nice all the time is a bad thing for me when it is supposed to be the other way around. And another thing - I have to say out loud what I feel.

I can’t help but be clueless of who is this person that everyone seems to see.

I am in need of help at times, a warm hug, another pat on the shoulder and that heart welcoming and assuring smile. I don’t ask for it as I feel that I need not ask what I need, because if you truly know me you will know. Selfish as it may sound but there are people who do get it.

Speak less with the people whom you love and care the most… coz if they can’t understand your silence, they can never understand your words.

So I believe I am on the right track here. Although I can’t help but be too blind to see all the blessings already in front of me, it is just my way of breathing in the good with the bad. All I see are the problems… like when I am shown a clean sheet of paper dotted with black ink in the middle and asked thereafter what I see and my answer is the black dot… that is the same for me in real life. It is the same for most of us - we only see what we want to see.

I am too busy whining with my eyes closed when all I have to do is open my eyes. See beyond what is obvious and look underneath the surface. There is a purpose that I am too strong and too nice. I am no fake. I may be misunderstood but I am 100% real. I am loved this way.

It’s like how I’ve always wondered why my company is preferred by my friends even though I have nothing to offer them like I am not worthy of their company and that I can not jive along with their lifestyles. And they say, my company is more than what they want, I am what they need.

I am loved this way.

I am not perfect but I know I am special even if I doubt it most of the times.

words with great impact

TAGUBILIN AT HABILIN
Ni Jose F. Lacaba

Mabuhay ka, kaibigan!
Mabuhay ka!
Iyan ang una’t huli kong
Tagubilin at habilin:
Mabuhay ka!

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what can i say, hindi lang pala tlga ako ang tanging nilalang who neverendingly and continuously exerts effort to comfort and assure myself that everything will be alright eventhough the world sucks and some people are suckers, and that i’d just have to continue on smiling, breathing and living my life at its best. at kung anu-anu pa… now, i so feel i belong…

not so cold summer nights

constant weird dreams have crossed my cold summer nights… if you are to ask the details… i’m still not ready to tell… haha 

Iris

this is dedicated to you know who… and our love story 

and the girl named Iris

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he was my second father

my mentor

my idol

i see my self through him 

like in a two way mirror

i admired him in a lot of ways

loved him in a million ways

he taught me things of great wonder

a blessing of yester years

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now what went wrong and we are apart with bruised hearts?

at first i’ve always had one answer to the question of whether i should stay or not with him. it was always yes and for the same reason - because i am happy with him.

then things changed all of a sudden, i’ve gone very tired of waking up early in the morning, i never ran out of reasons of why i am always late. then i made a list of the advantages and disadvantages of leaving my work, finally…

advantages

i manage my own time

i can work accordingly without any supervision 

not strict in office attire

free food, load, internet, computer access, printing, photocopying, etc

i can advance my salary for emergency use

i am paid in full despite my tardiness & absence

immediate access to law materials

disadvantages

i am always on call to attorney & clients anytime of the day & night

minimum salary

no benefits of sss & philhealth

cannot absent during exams

no overtime pay, holiday pay, etc.

no vacation, sick & emergency leaves

13th month pay not received in full

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i can live with the load of disadvantages because of the most important consideration - my happiness. but now, the happiness is down the drain. when i come to think of it, it started last christmas, i worked my ass like hell expecting my 13th month pay to be paid in full before christmas, but then i did not receive it at all then. it was given to me in installments and was paid in full by january. i was really disappointing because i really needed that money.

but then when i come to think of it, is it all about the money? not really. i’ve been dragging my self painfully waking up every morning to report to office. my daily routinary work has somehow made things not anymore a challenge for everyday adventure but rather a work i’d have to put up with for the sake of a month’s salary. my thirst for new learnings everyday at work somehow reached the bottom of the glass. the sight of my boss staying at the office makes me want the clock to tick at 5pm. it’s only my officemate jojo that makes me want to smile somehow and the non-pesterous clients. what happened to me? don’t i want this kind of living… the real practice…

almost 4 years… i lasted that long… and now i gave up suddenly… does it have something to do with the boss who doesn’t treat me fairly and appreciate me the way i deserve to be appreciated? does it have something to do with the pesterous clients continuously killing me by not complying to their obligations - more particulary financial obligations. do i hate the job already that much to want to leave it permanently?

yes, i am underpaid with too much work… but with all the benefits of the job… i’ve put up with the fact and probably my fate that i was meant to stay for good with my former boss. yes, i do consider my self the practicing non-lawyer who makes my boss’ life a lot easier but which he nonetheless appreciates the least. i’m fed up of his broken promises… no matter how much i want to make things a little bit lighter, he tends to mess things up. he benefits more with the setup whenever i come to tell this story to anyone.

but then again he is the boss… am i demanding and asking too much of him?

my best friend says i do.

for a thousand reasons… nothings seems to make sense anymore

but after the threat of finding another job instead.. he has finally pushed me to the limit and decided for me that it is best for everyone.

para kong nabunutan ng tinik sa dibdib

when i woke up the very first morning of my jobless life… i felt free.

i remember telling him the very first christmas i spent with him,

that i consider him God’s blessing to me and until now i still feel the same.

but when he said that my priorities should just be work & studies… that was my last straw

i can never forget about my family… they are still at the top of my priorities right after God

my family is not doing well and they are asking too much of me

yun ang kulang kay atty, he doesn’t listen… he can very well hear my words but he chooses not to listen… my family needs me… they have spoken the truth and the burden that i must carry now more than anything in this world

it has always been my family before me… until i entered law school

it has now become a competition between them

now my refuge and inspiration has finally requested me to give it up… my dream that is

family versus lawyering

when i come to think of it, i can take everything that’s thrown at my feet… but nothing like this

everything was ok before i came to be wise enough to see the bigger picture of life

what happened to my family

we used to have the least problems in the world but somehow it had piled up now more than ever

now they want me to give up my dreams and plainly provide for them

eversince i entered law school a lot of reasons made me want to question my wanting to become a lawyer and that it is not really for me

right after college - my dad cried apologizing that he can’t send me to lawschool 

my first year in law school at san beda and for 2 years thereafter - i got hospitalized for acute ulcer

after that year - i got kicked out of san beda

i repeated my freshman year in arellano - i lost my innocence

sophomore year in arellano - our house caught fire

now before i enter my junior year in arellano - i lost my job

do i deserve this?

is it already time to give up law school?

i hope not.

not just yet.

never in a thousand years

this is where i belong.

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atty,

you will always be a blessing, but now let me just grow on my own. i wish you well. i am sorry for my shortcomings which caused you major headaches, i’ve been a great pain i know at some point. thank you so much for everything. this is not goodbye.

with love,

iris

P.S. 

I will always remember my interview when I requested to be called as Erica and you refused my heed and used your preference - which is "Iris". 

I never really did appreciate my name Iris… not until i met you.

changes

the only thing that is constant in this world is change.

one minute everything is going so fine and another minute a 360 degrees turn-around. and when things get worst… it just can’t seem to stop from getting even worse. and when you have made plans to work things out… there are just some things which tend to mess up your master plan. now what happens when you are stuck in that world of constant change? of course you would want the easiest way out. but you are alone. what do you do?

the feeling of getting into unexpected mishaps of fate makes my world a living soap opera except there is no camera. i talk to my self endlessly on million dollar questions only who knows can answer. i indulge my self into my thoughts with tears falling down my cheeks and the heaving of my breasts simultaneously. not a wonderful sight if i may add, but it’s how i live.

blaming my self always, i have run out of reasons to keep my self composed and sane. but i know i am sane and a living epitomy of a martyr.

i love unconditionally. i serve bearing sacrifices. i smile when my world is crushing. i hold on to happy thoughts to keep me breathing. i see the good in everyone i meet. i gaze upon the stars with great wonder and hope.

i am happy at some point but not ultimately happy.

i encourage my self on never-ending and nerve-wrecking ideologies and theories. and lastly, i think of God.

but then another thought just crossed my mind. when will my heart stop aching?

i hope not the same time as it stops beating.

i have come to embrace my fate, I am my self for the world to hurt… but ultimately Yours for the taking.

mixed emotions

my final exams are yet to be over but i’ve been dreading this very moment i’d get to write again. i missed it so much… with everything that’s happened in my life and the world around me, there’s so much i want to put into words and phrases… in poems and short stories…

amidst the chaos

ever since the zte scandal broke in the open, with on-going senate hearings, lozada kidnapping and testimony and quotable quotes, almost daily conducted nationwide rallies, and the oust gma campaign… the Philippines is seem to be in the brink of collapse… and the worst part of it, people are still suffering…

and while i awaited my fx ride to school, there i saw three (3) vendors lulan ang kani-kanilang paninda sa tig-iisang pedicab, mais, siopao, mani… hindi ko na malala yun paninda. they asked the traffic enforcer how to get to makati. all i can remember was i stared at them for so long i forgot about my class which is about to start in a few minutes. the traffic enforcer directed them the fastest route towards makati. it was only pass 5pm if i remember it correctly and the rally was to start by 8pm i believe. then my eyes followed the three vendors, they had a long way to go, they need a head start. yes, amidst the chaos people are clamoring over the presidency and the talamak corruption under the present administration, but with the rallies these vendors are also earning. the ralliest are his source of income. they are not there to oust the presidency. not that they care less of the situation of the country but it’s a matter of time that if they take more time complaining against the government they would rather work their asses out to be able to provide for their empty stomachs and their families.

poverty…

i await for the time when noone has to stay hungry…

i remember my professor telling me and the rest of the class to do something about reality. exercise our rights, make a stand and fight for justice or for whatever cause… so much for rights, priveleges and justice… it’s always easier said than done… if he only knew what i’m going through to survive this life… i’m not at all complaining… not that i’m complaining… but at least i’m doing something with my life. i am doing my part, making a difference in my own way, touching lives within my grasp and unlike any other filipino doing nothing…

each one of us plays a part in the society…

what does the rest of filipino people have to say?

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i am so happy for a very good brother… because he is in love

mas kinikilig pa nga ako at the rest of school sa love story nya kaysa sa kanya eh… but then as i found him now, only after 1 week of courting the girl… he seems so down. lakas na nga ata ng tama nun girl sa kanya. the thought of his competitors has become more than a threat to him.

all i had to say was… if you are in love.. you need not be afraid… just show it… and prove it…. be not afraid of rejection, because you’ll never have to regret every moment you spend with her because you only let your self love… without condition… without question… with all your heart… all the more reason now that he is sure that he loves the girl and not just another feeling of happiness and infatuation and lust..

love is a splendid feeling… he should rejoice

too easy for me to say…

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it’s my dad’s birthday tomorrow, and he’s turning 51… and i’m excited and a bit disappointed for my self because i have nothing to offer him… hay

——————————————————————————–

oh how i miss you so

beyond the sky

beyond the stars

beyond humanity

beyond ecstacy

when will i see you again

when will you love me again

——————————————————————————————-

please take a look at me

and tell me what you see

can you through me

beyond the flesh

beyond the smile

beyond the sparkle of my eyes

do you see light

or is it fire

————————————————————————–

just a little more time… all it takes is a leap of faith

carpediem

the love bug

There is no such word as unconditional love; love in it’s very nature is unconditional. Anything else is just fascination, infatuation, lust, or favoritism. (quote from Noted..)

And after all this time i call it unconditional love…

1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 

4 Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, 5 does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, 6 does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

love… love … love… the love bug hits it again…

a story of a girl

she was noone special but not so ordinary

she’s not the typical alluring person every boy in town would want to flock around

but she’s pretty in her own way, sparkling eyes, and really nice

she is smart and diligent

she had matured a lot beyond her biological years

considering the many shortcomings she went through

a lot of people just don’t get her but she can live with that

she likes pleasing people

she seems always happy, content & active

but she hurts a lot inside

all she longs for is that usual a warm hug, complemented by that hand-squeeze and an occasional pat on the shoulder

so as to assure her strength & endurance

and that she is not alone

that she is important 

that she is loved

that she is alive

is that too much to ask for

the first meeting

he was just another face in the crowd she never thought she’d even get acquainted to

but just when he passed by

she just had to say it, he really smelled good

the scent of him had since then made her heart skip a bit everytime he passes by

never did she know, that scent would plague her for the rest of her life

my valentine @ 23

due to fortuitous events, i failed to mention anything about my valentine this 2008. ofcourse wala akong date but then i did have plans for the day. i was off to work well late as usual. another busy day attending to ruitinary legal matters, talking like the typical always-busy-lawyer. haha feeling. but honestly, i did made arrangements to have a personal remand of records from the court of appeals to the regional trial court of caloocan city. i had to talk to a lot of people and spend my own money which to this date have not been completely reimbursed by my very kind boss. mission accomplished! the records have been personally remanded on the very day i asked them to because the hearing for execution was set the next day. now, that’s what i call efficient public service.

it was the last day for the barops 08 fundraising activity back-to-back with its annual recruitment. and afterwhich the execom together with the 8 subject commissioners had it’s very first meeting. we had yellow cab pizzas. napaka worth-it ng activity dahil we were able to raise P30,000 in "kilawbot ng are". it was helluva a week but it was really worth it.

sometime after cleaning our the barops booth, i remembered UP fair. my Are barkada (vanessa, hazel, ia, ina, jp, vince & gary) made plans for all of us to attend UP fair @ Diliman campus. but then due to the events that occured on the eve of valentines, everyone backed-out the last minute. i didn’t get to see any of my girlfriends to give them balloons. too bad. better luck next UP fair, erica. there are more pressing matters to deal with other than fun to worry about. ok fine!

ok the valentine’s bug is slowly sinking in me while i was on my way home. if only i knew our UP fair schedule was cancelled ahead of time, i should have made arrangements to go out with my best friend instead. then i looked at the first 3 wonderful gifts i received this valentines.

1. a heart-shaped red balloon

2. a pink pillow printed with the word "love" with an attached string connecting to a pink stuffed animal which looks like another cousin of stitch, which makes noises I cannot put into any understandable translation

3. a white rose

may malisya man o wala, i was very touched, first time ko mabigyan ng such gifts during valentines. yup, first time. don’t ask why, because i don’t know either. i can’t say hindi ako dapat bigyan, well let’s just say no one did ever consider me to care about flowers and valentines. well, they are all wrong. i love flowers, chocolates, stuffed toys/pillows, a red ribbon cake, and the fireworks. asa pa ko, wala nga ko boyfriend every valentines, what do i expect. i’m not the typical ligawin kind of girl with a dozen flowers being delivered to my doorstep. i am just another ordinary girl waiting for my one great true love, i’m sure he’s getting ready for our future valentine’s together. i’m still young, i’m in no hurry, ok i may say these things out loud, but i may mean otherwise. you can’t blame me, i am 23 turning 24, who is still single, who have not spent a single valentine in my 23 years of life with a valentine. get it?!

just when i thought my valentine can’t get any better or worse, i received the best valentine’s gift ever, "a bed". my dad made me a bed! now i don’t have to sleep with my brothers or my parents or the floor anymore. since our house got burned last year until we transferred to an apartment and returned to our newly built home, i have had great difficulty sleeping peacefully because i get to sleep anywhere other than a real bed (well except i get to sleepover with friends & relatives), my own bed. but now, i have my own bed! i was really ecstatic and hugged my parents. my mom placed clean sheets over my new bed. it’s not really a lovely bed if anyone would get to see it. but it is a bed, my very own bed. there’s still no cushion, to which i’d have to endure for a while. as i hugged on to the pink pillow i received and laid on my new bed, i prayed to God with just two words, "thank you."

how can i not consider my dad to be the sweetest person i know? this is just another one of those many reasons i’d still have him as no.1 in my list.