confessions of an epileptic

even though i tried so hard to escape my fate, the signs are everywhere. 

the doctors have already disclosed the possibilities of my condition which might lead to my end. 

how else can you escape your fear when your very life is  already at stake? tick tock tick tock tick

so what do i fear most? the fear of death itself or the fear of leaving the life of the living?

sana hindi nalang binalewala yun karamdaman na magdadala sa aming lahat ng ganitong suliranin, baka naging mas maingat at hindi kinahinatnan ang kasalukuyan… maging sana’y ipinagpaliban ang hinaharap.

simula pagkabata takot lang ako iwan mag-isa, ngayon napag-alaman ko na kung bakit. kaya naman pala. ika nga ng neurologist ko, you have a seizure disorder…. in other words you are epileptic. you can’t be left alone and must have company at all times considering your attacks can strike anytime and anywhere, you will have to refrain from working and we will have to conduct various tests to be able to stabilize your condition because the very source of such sickness is undetermined, hence, the cure is still unknown. 

flashback - “episodes”

“one sunday, i was about 10 years old, in church attending a 9am mass with my family… we were just singing Ama Namin…. when all of a sudden everything went black. i can’t see, i can’t move, i can’t speak, i can’t hear. but my mind was at works double time, trying to figure out what happened. in a few minutes i was in the church’s office and people i don’t know surrounded me together with my family. they said i passed out. “

somehow i have always known and felt i was sick and i will have a shortlived life on earth kaya nga ba i have always managed to stay away from hospitals and doctors. but then again i can’t really escape reality. but what else is in store  for me for my remaining days?

if only i had known earlier, would my present be any different?