Episodes

I have always thought that I have already established what I fear most in life. Until I have had this sort of episodes of losing consciousness for a couple of seconds/minutes at no particular moment nor reason and place. I have had them since I was in grade school. My parents associated it with skipping meals but I never really agreed on that thought. It happens at the most unexpected time and place: at our chapel during mass; at home while washing the dishes; at home while serving food on my plate; at a museum during a field trip; at baclaran church full of people; at home while texting; in a corner of a street while waiting for a jeepney. It usually happens only once every year and it had been like three (3) years ago since my last episode until just recently in a month’s time I have had three (3) episodes already. Fortunately, each episode happens at a time I am not alone. But until when?

My ulcer attacks give me enough pain to keep me conscious. And feeling the pain reminds me that I am still alive. But these episodes are of a different nature, I cannot win over unconsciousness that leaves me betting only on time when I would eventually wake up and of course holding on to faith and hope that it’s not yet my time. But what if my time is close to its end?

Not that I am afraid of death but rather of losing time. I look at time as my only chance of making things better or making things actually work out fine. Time is all I have that gives me faith over experiencing the most wonderful and worst feelings as a human. Hence, I never tried to rush anything in life. I savor each moment of my life as if it’s my last and I never get tired of waiting for yet another moment when I’d get to experience more or less the same thing.

Selfish as it may seem, I never did care how the important people in my life would take the blow of bidding me goodbye because while I see them fragile at some point, they have always been my source of strength, hence, I know they would do fairly well without me around. I gave them more than enough memories to treasure and last a lifetime. But I know that will never do? They would want and need me around. They would choose that I’d stay with them alive and stubborn as ever. The same way I’d wish and pray for if it was the other way around.

Will I ever get to snap out of this reverie?

A young lady

Lying lifeless on the pavement

Disheveled hair

Peaceful face

Crowded by a number of curious bystanders