my 2009

Another year has ended which I never thought I could not possibly live through but then again I sure did. Admittedly, I am a pessimist.

Beginning January 30, 2009, there had been a trial where I, the respondent, was accused of unlawful acts with a penalty ranging from suspension up to expulsion, such that might extinguish completely the career I am traversing. I was judged by plenty, sympathized by few, and faced trial standing side by side my lawyer, who happens to be my ex-employer I walked out from. I had the worse thoughts and emotions that almost shook my sanity and faith, more like a nightmare I would want to wake up from. But God made a way for me to really see what happened, why it happened, what is left of me, and what I am to look forward for.

Looking into yourself from another’s perspective has always been insightful and hurtful but looking into yourself from your own perspective is surely enlightening and humiliating, one humbling experience you would never trade for another.

It was never a question of the state of one’s maturioty in handling a difficult situation, but rather it was a turning point of your life’s story which only caused you to finally discover that you cease to be a child anymore and you just have to make your own choices and stop making excuses, because at the end of the day, all you have is your self to preserve and love and think about.

I learned to love my self the way I deserve to be loved, taking in the good with the bad.

I accepted and embraced reality that what happened had happened… and it happened to me. No more pointing fingers. I moved forward by just having faith on the truth that shall set me free and leaving it all up for God’s will to prevail. And so it did. Before the year ended I was exonerated and given a second chance to make better decisions in life.

While it shamed my pride looking back when and how I arrived in the path of the lost. I had my fair share of stupidity and bad decisions which led to sinking deeper in the quicksand of yet another set of mistakes and their consequences. I should have known better. Now I sort of know how to go about the realtiy of a chaotic world out in the open.

But then again, is it enough that as I have managed to fix the broken pieces of my life together again when in the process thereto people eventually got hurt, I can’t help but be pained with just the mere thought of how I came to change into a totally different person unlike my usual self especially in the state of mental and emotional breakdown… I have become a monster. But then again all I needed was time for my self and to assess everything. I cannot anymore turn back time when every wrong step I take led me to a place of make-believe, one person taught me that. Reality is inescapable, thus, it’s not reason enought to blame it always on others or even the situation and save yourself from the vultures at the expense of others you offer as bate.

It’s never too late to admit defeat and shame.

To change to become a better person is not at all bad. 

There will come a time you will realize that you cease to be a child anymore.

Time heals all wounds.