actions does not always speak louder than words

if i was physically ill

there will always be touch therapy

if i was mentally incapacitated

there will always be touch therapy

if i was deaf mute

there will always be sign language

if i had a language barrier

there will always be sign language

but then if i lack the will to feel

and i lack the strength to speak

what else is my option

if i do have any

patience is a virtue

I am all confused with the idea of not knowing where you stand in a so-called complicated relationship. But then again, some things don’t just happen… oftentimes they are the end-result of that relatively significant moment in the past which is now haunting me - disguised as regret.

While I must admit that I feel for your pain, I apologize for not meeting the expiration date of your patience. But I do thank you… for the time you’ve spent with me, and for the love you’ve given unconditionally.

I thought you understood

All I asked from you was patience

I am torn from the realization whether this is what I want or so I thought I wanted. I can’t really tell. There are a million thoughts, emotions and words left hidden and untold. Now, the wheel of fortune has turned things upside-down, too bad. For who? me?. I can’t say I’m am the only one suffering while the other rejoices. The uneasiness is apparent on both parties if I was the judge of the situation. But then again, can we really conclude from the picture-perfect facade of great pretenders? But then again, there may even be additional facts in the case which cannot be dared revealed? But then again, it’s a moot point is it not?

Yes, I am happy and I submit that in truth and in fact I know I can be happier. I would have been happier. I have deprived and denied my self of the only thing I can be sure of. But did I really?

I played a game and eventually lost. Worst part of it all is that - there is no rematch.

Is all lost while I wallow in pain? But so they say, I am a rock, neither wind nor water can shatter me into pieces, but they can carry me to a better place, and so, now I shall wait for that.

If you know what you want

Come and get it

If after some time you are having second thoughts

Granting that I have let you wait and tag along for so long

Then probably it’s not meant to be

It is fine by me

It might just be for the best for us both

And I won’t be here waiting for long

unforgettable nightmare

I was kidnapped

I tried to runaway

but i was being chased by a number of armed malefactors

they were wearing black masks which hid their faces

i was caught up by 2 men

then i blacked out

next thing i knew i was smelling fuel gas

woke up with a bad headache

my hands were tied 

i was blindfolded

then someone carried me

threw me on the floor

someone forced me to stand up

while someone removed my blindfold

my eyes had difficulty adjusting with the light

i was in a middle of men circled around me

they were all laughing like there was a private joke i missed

then someone pushed me from the back 

more pushing happened like i was in a game of pinball

i was getting dizzy but i can’t shout at them to stop

i was kept mum by a ductape over my mouth

why can’t they just get this over and done with and finish me off

more laughing followed

then i passed out again

i woke up in a moving vehicle… that explains the continued dizziness

my hands were still tied and i still can’t talk

it was dark probably past midnight

a familiar path 

we were nearing home

then halt

the door was opened and i was thrown out like a cat

the masked man spoke at me

tell marc, he won’t like what happens next time

then they drove past me

with the gust of wind blowing at my face

i passed out the third time

my 2009

Another year has ended which I never thought I could not possibly live through but then again I sure did. Admittedly, I am a pessimist.

Beginning January 30, 2009, there had been a trial where I, the respondent, was accused of unlawful acts with a penalty ranging from suspension up to expulsion, such that might extinguish completely the career I am traversing. I was judged by plenty, sympathized by few, and faced trial standing side by side my lawyer, who happens to be my ex-employer I walked out from. I had the worse thoughts and emotions that almost shook my sanity and faith, more like a nightmare I would want to wake up from. But God made a way for me to really see what happened, why it happened, what is left of me, and what I am to look forward for.

Looking into yourself from another’s perspective has always been insightful and hurtful but looking into yourself from your own perspective is surely enlightening and humiliating, one humbling experience you would never trade for another.

It was never a question of the state of one’s maturioty in handling a difficult situation, but rather it was a turning point of your life’s story which only caused you to finally discover that you cease to be a child anymore and you just have to make your own choices and stop making excuses, because at the end of the day, all you have is your self to preserve and love and think about.

I learned to love my self the way I deserve to be loved, taking in the good with the bad.

I accepted and embraced reality that what happened had happened… and it happened to me. No more pointing fingers. I moved forward by just having faith on the truth that shall set me free and leaving it all up for God’s will to prevail. And so it did. Before the year ended I was exonerated and given a second chance to make better decisions in life.

While it shamed my pride looking back when and how I arrived in the path of the lost. I had my fair share of stupidity and bad decisions which led to sinking deeper in the quicksand of yet another set of mistakes and their consequences. I should have known better. Now I sort of know how to go about the realtiy of a chaotic world out in the open.

But then again, is it enough that as I have managed to fix the broken pieces of my life together again when in the process thereto people eventually got hurt, I can’t help but be pained with just the mere thought of how I came to change into a totally different person unlike my usual self especially in the state of mental and emotional breakdown… I have become a monster. But then again all I needed was time for my self and to assess everything. I cannot anymore turn back time when every wrong step I take led me to a place of make-believe, one person taught me that. Reality is inescapable, thus, it’s not reason enought to blame it always on others or even the situation and save yourself from the vultures at the expense of others you offer as bate.

It’s never too late to admit defeat and shame.

To change to become a better person is not at all bad. 

There will come a time you will realize that you cease to be a child anymore.

Time heals all wounds.