of losing

May 21, 2009

 

 There are some things in life that we will lose regretfully forever.

 

In the beginning, you never really thought that you’d even lose it. You got to the idea of having it around for an infinity amount of period which gives you extreme ease and happiness on first thought. But on the second note, it was more out of convenience because it understands you the most as it sees through you because it cares for you truthfully more than it ever imagined itself to and that scares you actually but you choose to shove away such thoughts. You become reckless because you know that no matter what happens it will love you still, understand you and accept you.

 

            However, I guess there are just some things you are bound to lose one way or another and before you know it, you already did. You do regret it but you try to justify things, especially yourself, like you have accepted fate.  Thinking, there just got to be some reason and explanation for all of it, why things had to happen. And sorry seems to be the hardest word.

 

            Even with separate lives, fate had its way of intertwining your worlds with unfortunate event it’s thought crosses your mind, it’s picture, it’s name – the mere mention of it, one remarkably stupid memory from the past, it makes you feel shameful of your self. The worst part of it all you can never turn back time to do things regretfully. The pain you feel is incomparable to hers. You scornfully tell yourself, “what have I done?”

 

            You’ll never truly know one’s worth until it’s gone.

 

            You now silently wish that somehow, someway, it’s happy. As it would seem useless, for everything that’s happened, if not at least one of you is happy.

 

            Words will never be enough to mean what our hearts have to say now, but I will forever be blessed and thankful to have had you once and regret losing you forever.

the filipino family

May 14, 2009

 

Misunderstandings and fights between parents and children is a norm in every Filipino household but this does not necessarily mean that there exists no love and respect in such families. In the aim of producing a breed of perfection coinciding reality, discipline in a variety of ways comes in handy but with full discretion of course of the parents.

 

You would consider missing half of your life if you were deprived of love and discipline of a real family… a family which serves as the basic foundation of every community. However, with the prevalent false and fragmented information circling the globe (both fair and bias, with or without basis, fact or opinion) through the television and the internet showcasing sex and crimes, the true essence of an ideal family has slowly faded away, thus, resulting to a generation of new blood in huge quantity but of less quality.

 

What has become of the Filipino family?

depression (part two)

May 12, 2009

I was asked out of the blue by my officemate,

 

How do you overcome depression?

 

I was taken aback with the question

I thought really hard

I have to have a good answer

Well this is what I finally said

 

Well you have to have a good outlook on life

Lighten up, smile, smiling always starts the healing

Try not to isolate your self from the world

That tends to invite bad thoughts and more loneliness and feeling of helplessness / hopelessness

Surround your self with good company, family, friends, loved-ones

Keep yourself always busy and preoccupied

Work with you mind and your hands

Engage in new/ old activities that you’d enjoy

Explore possibilities of a greater purpose why things are the way they are

Never lose hope

Have faith

Be strong

You may not have the best plan of action to really overcome your depression

But just try the very least

It’s always worth the risk to bring your self up again after stumbling from a fall

 

These are the times when I can not just drown my self in sorrow and wallow in pain

My strong and happy facade can really be my very own morphine

 

how about you?

Depression (part one)

Despite the problems one’s facing, you can be very thankful of loved ones (family and friends) who stuck by you all this time

You try so hard to cheer yourself up while you suffer inside

You join a happy crowd just to keep you sane

Smile a little

Laugh a little

Feel immensely blissful when others are happy

But in a minute or two

The feeling suddenly changes

You convince yourself it’s alright to feel happy

Tagging along a seemingly brilliant smile

Trying to convince others not to really be affected and commiserate with you

You try to hide the pain, tears and frown

Behind the façade opposite the real thing

But it turns out to be too pretentious and false

You can’t really fool anyone/ everyone, especially yourself

Including those who truly knows you inside out

And it pains you even more

The feeling of guilt that you call yourself real but truly some sort of an impersonator

But how can you really be true to yourself

You can’t just walk around town shouting

 

I am not okay

I am having a hard time

I am facing life-changing problems / trials

I am a coward

I am a failure

I am a liar

I am a bad person

I am not worth to love

Stay away from me if you know what’s best for you

I come with major baggage of grief and sorrow and bad luck

Run now, fast

Why me of all people

How can you teach yourself to love yourself again

Despite your flaws, maintain sanity and be strong and fight

And simultaneously live in a world who never fails to judge you, test you, bring you down and destroy you

Every step you take it seems as if

You don’t have any right to be just sad and miserable for everything that’s happening

Because you have to always be considerate and sensitive of people you love

And ultimately live a life

Can’t help it, you tend to think

If it’s best to be alone

May be then

No one can hurt you

Possibly?

Impossible!

If it’s best to die

May be then

The hurting will stop

Possibly?

But only for you

to mama

May 10, 2009

to the most beautiful woman on earth - mama

September 2nd, 2007 by thehukombitay

twisted

May 7, 2009

How can I ever escape my sanctuary? 

 

I have been up to the challenge of making my self believe that I can manage without writing. Not that I have run out of words to say but more like sometimes I just talk too much, way too much for me to even think things through before I really blurt out the words out of my mouth. But then again it came to a point that I realized that it is high time I listen to my self, all the words that escape my mouth without having to put it in black and white. I wanted to see the difference of me living the real world and a world where my thoughts are more superior with my very life. And there I got my self more twisted.

 

 

to lose one’s pride

 

The bad news slapped my very being.

 

I convinced my self that I am prepared for the worse but what happened to me. The tears poured down my cheeks with no shame. With the face of my grandfather waiting for me in the other room, I cannot go out broken. How can God not choose another day to let me be free of penetrating glares and questions from the people to whom I cannot hide the truth? Another test of my strength I will have to live up to. I swallowed all pain which numbed my noticeable features to a mask of gleeful me as I exited the room which is the only witness to my vulnerability.

 

As hours and days passed by, I played the great pretender. I cannot anymore control my drastic mood swings and bad thoughts plagued my foolish mind. Then Trina Etong committed suicide. If only I can speak to her somehow, I have plenty of questions to ask her.

 

Another mistake cannot solve a mistake once had.

 

I know I am innocent and I have to fight for the truth, most specially for my dream and my family. But does the truth really count anymore when I have to live with its painful consequences for the rest of my life? I do not want to call my self a coward but neither do I want to be called a failure.

 

The pride of humans.