growing up

I have given my self ample time alone to think things through. I can’t say I’ve got everything in my life in order but then I am up to the challenge. And so I have come up with new rules/goals.

1. Be independent

I am a self-proclaimed autophobic and so I tell you, this is truly a struggle for me. I have been eating alone and going home alone for almost two weeks now.  At first it was lonely and it felt kind of weird but then as days passed by I’m getting used to it. When I come to think of it more, at some point I am truly dependent of people. I almost always adjust for the benefit of them. I give away too much of my self without truly considering my self first and the possible consequences of my actions. I let my emotions come over me like the wind that blows away dried leaves in autumn. 

I can say my circle of friends is truly fond of me and me of them and so I try to please them more than I should. And the relationship is truly smooth sailing but when storms come our way, I almost always let our boat sink for the nth time. Although there are those who doesn’t really hate nor blame me, the boat will never be restored again and they managed to float away from me to save themselves. But there are those who clinged on the same lifesavers I held and they managed to share it with me. I feel awkward yet safe… I guess it’s way too safe and lax for me that I need not worry thus I get reckless that I’ve become too dependent that I can sleep and eventually wake up in another boat with them. With that I again let our second boat sink and another and another. I have got to realize this somehow and change for the better as these people cannot live forever to share with me a single lifesaver especially so when there’s no need for them to ride a boat anymore because they can always fly through plane and share a parachute with another not reckless as me. And ofcourse at the end of the day, it’s not always all about me. 

2.  Be responsible to the right people

I have always shielded my family from my life outside our home and that’s highly improper. And the worse of it all I’ve forgotten all about their needs and my obligation to them. Our family truly has a communication problem and we have our own ways of helping each other out when the going gets tough yet I forced my self to leave one foot and one hand dipped in cold mud instead of our shared warm mud, I became deaf mute when the coldness was too much for me to bare. 

I can always let go of them but they will never let go of me. And so I managed to lift my foot and hands from the cold mud as I flashedback what I have been missing the entire time I was deaf mute. I have never been home early for so long and the long hours of sharing one roof above us seems to be trivial for me at first and ofcourse suprising for them. And I just felt good with that.

3.  Practice faith

I claim too much credit for my self more than I should. Even if it seems unfair that we are puppets of our own destiny, having no faith at all is like choosing gold, metal and diamonds over mud, water and fire. I need the wind to breathe and water for nourishment so that I can live. Worth is always mistaken to be just another definition but why dwell on that alone, there’s etymology, the roots of all reason and possibilities.

I am capable of becoming so much more than what I’ve always hoped for as long as I put my mind into it. All I have to do  is submit truly my time for everything that is only more precious than silver. And it’s never too late for a change of heart and to find a flicker of light in the midst of darkness.

But then again is it really enough for me and for everyone and humanity that I change.??