in the dark « hukombitay

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in the dark

March 6, 2009

A series of bad dreams has constantly haunted my sleepless nights. I can say this has something to do with the distorted thoughts and mixed emotions I have been having for quite some time now. I feel terrible and miserable because of my own doings in the past except one that has left me bound to face judgment anytime soon and another one which recently came to realization.

But there are people in more pain than I am. Some of them are even that which I have caused. I cannot find the strength to say sorry, answer and explain. I can’t even look you straight in the eyes. I am unworthy of your time, love and friendship. I have hurt you so much, more than what you caused me in the first place, and the burden I carry is nothing compared to the trauma you will forever carry until I make things right… if ever I make things right. It has always been difficult for others to understand and more difficult for me to explain that I regret having shared the pain I felt to the one person who loved and trusted me truly, whom I claim to love and understand until now still but which I cannot even dare show and shout to the world. I can tell that you still feel the same amount of love for me even after I caused you too much pain in the past. I am unworthy of that love, that time and that friendship but still I am receiving it all.

I have gone too deep in the dark forest.

I can’t find my way back to the light.

All because I blindfolded my self.

Posted by hukombitay at 11:01 am | permalink

Previous Comments

Kung ako ang nasa lugar ng pinatutungkulan mo ng iyong mensahe (maging kamag-anak man or that special someone na sabi mo ay patuloy kang minamahal sa kabila ng lahat), lalo kang mapapamahal sa akin. Bakit kamo? Because you are humble enough to admit that you have made mistakes. And those realizations of yours are, I think, enough for the blindfold to disappear.

Sorry di pa ako makasagot sa mga comment mo sa blog ko hehehe. Kailangan ko pa kasing magsaka, magtinda sa palengke, mag-transcribe ng interview, at magpala ng buhangin hehehe. Kailangang rumaket eh

Nga pala, you were asking me about the postcards that I have. I’ve scanned some of them tapos inilagay ko sa picasa album ko. Heto ang link: http://picasaweb.google.com/stilldotwaters/
Although kaunti lang yung andyan kasi I just chose yung mga postcards that can represent each country. Saka September of last year pa ang last time na nagpost ako. Ang dami ko na ngang backlog eh. But I’ll find time to scan or take pictures of them. Saka I’ll also find time to integrate my postcard blog with Nortehanon.

Have a happy weekend! God bless!

Posted by Nortehanon at March 7, 2009, 2:25 pm

@N: iniisip ko kasi hindi na importante na magsisi ka sa ginawa mong mali (pertaining to me). pero sa trauma nga naman ako mismo takot na gawin ulit yun sa kanya lalo pa i know I am capable of causing that person too much pain to handle in one lifetime. tuloy i really feel unworthy. i highly doubt that that person will take me back to how we were before, before things got messed up. I highly doubt that that person will believe my words anymore and even the changes that occurred to me. i cannot dare say sorry now, nor explain it all. even kneeling and crying before that person would not do the trick. i am even praying very hard that that person won’t get to read this blog entry. i am truly very ashamed of what I did and did not do sa mga panahon na dapat i ought to have done the right thing. hay…

ok lang take your time sa pagsagot sa aking kadamong comments. priorities nga naman, raket makes our pockets full so i understand po.

super thanks, i’ll check your postcards nga.

have a happy weekend likewise. xoxo

Posted by hukombitay at March 7, 2009, 2:51 pm

hahaha, no, hindi po because rakets make my pocket full. rather, rakets make my family live. breadwinner kasi itetchiwang beauty ko eh. kaya madalas, nangangamote ako sa paggawa ng new post sa blog ko hehehe.

hmn, i hope mali ka in thinking that that person can’t take back the things to how they were before. malay mo naman, di ba? sa taong nagmamahal, wala pong imposibleng gawin.

Posted by Nortehanon at March 9, 2009, 2:45 pm

mukha ka nga breadwinner pero i can’t say na nangangamote ako sa paggawa ng new post sa blog mo, keri naman ah… bilib kaya ako sayo.

i’m still open sa thought na tatanggapin ako pero nahihiya narin ako to try. ako na mali tapos matigas pa ulo ko kumusta naman yun. sa sobra nga na pagmamahal at pag-intindi sakin kapanan ko pa rin ultimately ang concern kaya nga ba’t gumagawa siya/sila ng paraan para nga maayos ko buhay ko. hinahanda ko lang siguro sarili ko. kasi ayoko na talaga makasakit so pwedeng hindi pa napapanahon lahat. kailangan pag-isipan ko ng todo para maging okay ang lahat eventually. mahirap din ang hinog sa pilit. at isa-isa lang, hindi ako si wonderwoman para maayos lahat ng isang upuan ang lahat ng unresolved issues ko.

Posted by hukombitay at March 10, 2009, 8:37 am