puzzled

With more unconscious effort, my mind was working up my day aboard the lrt when suddenly the old man sitting infront of me asked me,

 

Neng, nahihirapan ka ba?”

He was referring to the pile of books I was holding as he urged himself to get hold of them. But I smiled back at him saying, “Okay lang po ako, salamat po.”

But at the back of my mind my answer was totally the opposite, from what I felt right there and then my heart skipped a beat, and I uttered my response without breathing.

Since Saturday happened, everyone has been asking me non-stop “Are you ok?” or Kumusta ka naman?” And honestly, I am getting tired of telling them “I am not okay.” But the words that escaped the lips of that old man has left my mind more bewildered than ever. He was offering help to ease my pain, that’s how I felt, but still I refused. I am having no regrets of not giving him my books, my persona of it’s-better-that-I-suffer-than-others-because-I-can-bear-the-pain-lightly overpowered me once again. 

If that was God who spoke to me. It is another confirmation that He trusts my strength, right? He will not have me carry a burden I am incapable of carrying in the first place. But why did He have to ask if I was suffering? Is it His way of telling me, “Let me carry your pain, child.”

“I am my self for the world to hurt… but ultimately Yours for the taking.” - as my description reads.

I think I failed Him once again. I am not keeping my promise, my end of our bargain. “But You have far worst cases to handle, I will be alright, I can manage on my own, everything will be alright, You can make things right for me and yet yes I am not letting you.”

How ironic, for someone who is afraid of being lonely, I have the chosen the path of loneliness.

Am I really driving away the love I deserve?

Then here goes the song that bothered me even more. It’s supposed to be a love song but why does it sound to me more like an assurance?

Everday (by Agot Isidro)

Got a letter in the mail today
And I`m glad you`re doin` fine
You tell me you`re missing me
And it`s cold in New York City
Well me and the girls we`re alright
Thinking about you night after night
And if you feel the same way too
Just imagine me whispering to you

Everyday I`ll always love you
Everyday I`m always thinking of you
Everyday`s another lonely day without you
Everyday you`ll here beside me
Everyday I`m always dreaming of you
Everyday I will be right here waiting for you
Everyday hoo hoo hoo hoo

It`s another long and sleepless nights
And thoughts run through my mind
Guess I`m just feeling lonely
It`s been so empty since you`ve been gone
I`ll be holding on for it won`t be long
I`ll be counting the days till I see you home
I know you feel the way I do
So just remember these words I`ll say to you

Everyday I`ll always love you
Everyday I`m always thinking of you
Everyday`s another lonely day without you
Everyday you`ll here beside me
Everyday I`m always dreaming of you
Everyday I will be right here waiting for you
Everyday everyday

I cannot anymore turn back time when I could have let the old man carry my books. But what will I have to do with the pain I am going through now? Yet another puzzle to the big picture of life.  *sigh*