how strong am i?

I am shaking to the depth of my bones.

I am crying my lungs out.

I am coming close to a nervous breakdown.

Strength has somehow left my entire body.

I have gone very very exhausted.

Hope, faith, a pure heart & a clean conscience are all that I have in my hands.

I feel so betrayed.

I feel so alone.

I never seem to run out of storms to face ever since I came of legal age. But I guess, as struggling is just part of one’s existence, I have come to accept my fate of having been born to face the best of the worst in this world. 

But after all this time, I still can’t manage to react properly as any other ordinary prudent man would under the circumstances when I discovered the truth. I was not angry (for the nth time). I gave up my trust wholeheartedly, but I was betrayed and toyed (for the nth time). I was the one made to believe that everything is alright and God is still by my side that indeed “blessed are the pure in heart.” (for the nth time) And now, things again turned out differently ang against my favor (for the nth time). Now, I am the one suffering the charges of a delict I did not intentionally commit and never would I imagine of committing, not in a million years while all evidence points to me. (for the first time)

Now I remember how Atty. C once told me, “a person would never feel humanly complete unless and until you face a law suit.”

Should I then consider my self lucky to discover the truth of this statement this early stage of my life? I’m trying to imagine my self in the shoes of Ferdinand Marcos when he topped the bar exams while he was detained. But then again, as he was seated in the Presidential chair for more than two (2) decades, he ended up a deadman who’s living a legend in history around the world.

Good faith is not good enough a defense and is the least favored defense in any jurisdiction. But I am hopeful because I know for a fact that I am innocent. But God is my sole witness. For the longest time I have been studying law, I know for a fact that justice is not always served, not the same way as people would want it (to free the innocents & punish the guilty). So how can I ever hope that the truth shall set me free? Will it be enough that good karma will favor me and help me out of this?

What will happen now to my dreams of becoming a lawyer, a hukom bitay judge at that? Is it high time I kiss those dreams goodbye?

I ask God again, “Why me?, “What lesson are you trying to teach me?”, “How many times do you have to test my faith & my strength?” Indeed I know I am not perfect & I am nothing close to noble. But I have goodness in me, there is no doubt about that. As many friends would put it in other words, “Kung meron taong sagad hanggang buto ang kasamaan, ikaw (erica) sagad hanggang buto ang kabutihan.” I don’t deserve this.

“Why do bad things happen to good people?”

You will not be given a burden which you will not be able to bear. Without suffering, there will no compassion. Without pain, there will be no happiness.

I am running out of reasons to fight and be strong. I am at the brink of losing my sanity. Because no matter how hard I try to convince my self that everything will be alright. I am hopeful of the best and expecting the worst.

I almost got hit by a car yesterday. For three (3) straight nights, I am crying my way to sleep considering the fact that I am innocent. It’s nothing new that I will not be able to please everyone and it’s inevitable that people will come to judge me and my actions. But I can’t explain the feeling of not just humiliation but the truth of how reality plays tricks to people in random, especially to someone who is innocent, a fool, someone who embraced all the positivity of good things and goodness, someone who deserves better.

And as I come to face the challenges that fate has brought me, I felt more than just betrayed, I likewise feel alone. No one can seem to help me and everyone seems to be judging me. Not that anyone can do something about what I am going through right now and help ease the pain or solve my problem. Not that I am asking for help, although I am waiting and expecting the questions “how are you?”, “what happened?” and “what can we do for you?”. I am not as d**b as people think to ask for something that is impossible. All I want is constant company. All I ask of a friend is a hug. But I guess I’m getting the worse bargain of it all, the truth that at the end of the day I am indeed alone on this one. Alone. I dare not speak anymore.

When will things be clear?

I hope not the same time I lose my breath.

When the time comes that this shall come to an end, whether I stood victorious of clearing my family’s name or I get the ultimate punishment of kissing my dreams of becoming a lawyer goodbye, I wish to retire from all the pain. I have suffered enough at the age of 24.

But I guess, strong as I am, if ever I don’t lose my sanity during the proceedings when I will have to suffer the pain 10x more, I am more than proud to welcome more challenges, “bring it on.” I am indeed a masochist, one crazy strong lass.