tribute

Sinusulit ko na ang bawat minutong tumatakbo papalapit sa araw ng paghuhukom. At dahil dito naisipan ko nanaman magbloghop kung san-san.

Nagtatalo sa numero unong posisyon ang bob ong wannabees at love doctors pero I must say, panalo sa listahan ko today ang Korek ka John.  Hindi ito ang unang beses na i’m quoting John na aking source of inspirasyon. Natutuwa lang ako kasi nagpapakatotoo lang siya lagi. Kung masaya siya masaya siya, kung malungkot edi malungkot, kung galit naku galit, at kung anu-ano pang emosyon na kaya niyang maramdaman na maaaring maipakita sa mundo. Pangarap ko rin kasing maging totoo sa aking sarili at maging kuntento dun. Hindi ko malilimutan ang blog niya about Maricel Soriano at ofcourse ang different faces of sweet noong minsang anniversary niya.

Ang latest blog niya is about Bebe (pronounced Bibi) Gandanghari a.ka. Rustom Padilla (before). Tunay naman na matunog ang pangalan ni BB san ka man ngayon mapunta. Nag-sit-in ako sa klase ng Legal Medicine ni Atty. Arizala last Saturday at mismong siya ay nakapag-segway tungkol kay BB. 

Nag-enjoy ako sa istilo ng pagsusulat ni John. Aklat ng kagandahan ang kanyang title pero hindi mo akalaing ang laman nito ay higit pa sa usapang kagandahan. Maliban sa misyon niyang magbigay impormasyon tungkol kay BB ay naroon nga ang usapang Ms. Universe mula noon hanggang ngayon. Naroon din ang kanyang personal involvement sa istorya. Informative, creative at meaningful. All in all it was a well-written piece. Hindi ako expert critic sa pagsusulat pero ang mga naiibang pagsusulat na nagpapakita ng totoong sarili mo ay ang pinaka mag-aangat sa pangalan mo sa larangan ng blogging at maging saan man na propesyon at larangan ng kompetensyon.

It’s not all about writing but writing what you know. Maganda ang mga may sariling tema at timpla na pagsusulat ay masasabing may originality. Masyadong mahaba ang listahan ng mga dapat purihin, try niyo icheck ang web friends ko a.k.a. blog gurus, maiintindihan niyo rin ako. I found a lot of parts of me distributed among beautiful strangers, AC, soulful, duchess, N, muymuy and mitch. Well yun iba masyadong espesyal na mga tao para hindi bigyan ng puwang sa page ko, hindi man sila magsulat tulad nila Shakespeare, Jane Austen at Paulo Coelho.

Hindi ko pa man nalilibot lahat ng blogs sa blogosphere, pero masaya ang patuloy na paglalakbay sa mundong ito. Natanong nga ako kahapon dahil sa Ash Wednesday kasi may kanya-kanyang mga penetensya ang mga kaibigan ko, ano daw ba ang isasakripisyo ko ngayong season of lent? Sabi nila kailangan yun something you love the most. Hindi naman kasi ako traditional Filipino Roman Catholic, i even consider my self a non-practicing Catholic paminsan. Mahirap ipaliwanag pero mayroon ako sariling religion, a relationship na kami lang ni God ang nagkakaintindihan. So ayun, isip-isip ako kung ano-ano nga ba ang pwede kong isakripisyo, at dalawang bagay lang ang pumantay sa listahan ko - alak at blogging. Bakit kailangan isakripisyo ang bagay na nakakapagbuo ng pagkatao mo? Hindi ko makita ang logic. Hindi pa naman ito umaabot sa gluttony or ideology na kung saan ay ikamamatay ko kung mawala sila sa buhay ko. Unang-una parin ang pananampalataya ko sa Maykapal, hindi man ako ituring na the typical religious. Never ako nagsakripisyo at hindi ko pa naiisipan baguhin ang aking nakaugalian na. Ang mga pagbabago at mumunting mga kahilingan ay nasasaloob mo dapat, hindi dapat may kung anuman kapalit o kondisyon.

Kung kaya, dapat lang sabihin na - Mabuhay ang lahat ng bloggers sa buong mundo, we rock!

 

Walang personalan, blogging trip lang. 

Pagpasensyahan na ang extreme mood swings ko. Okay, mali nga naman na humingi ako ng dispensa, blog ko naman to ah. *sungit mode*

Huwag mag-alala sa mga taong naninibago sa transformation na nangyayari sa akin. Hindi ako kailanman magbabago. I am still the same old me only different in so many ways.  Tingnan mo lang ako diretso sa mata, ito parin ako natalupan lang ng maduming kamunduhan.

Ako kaya, kailan magkakaroon ng anibersaryo tulad nila Chiksilog, Korek ka John at Superbianca? Pag-isipan ko muna, baka mapasubo ako at kailanganin magpainom, asan ba sila batanggero at kosa?

know-it-all

 

He who talks a lot knows little.

I have not met every kind of person in this world to say that I have seen the best and the worst of people. But of course with 24 years of existence, I have had my fair share of those people who always tops my list as irritating - the know-it-all, there are relatives, close friends and of course a bulk of acquaintances. I have been one my self in a certain period of time. I learned my lesson the hard way, don’t we all?!.

They act as if they are always “IN” with the latest issues and/or gossips, be it political or apolitical or non-political. They always wants to be involved in every conversation, hence, making them the the core of the circle. They always just had to have something to say in every topic of conversation, sounding as if an authority and expert and who could forget someone claiming to be the only perfect person in the planet or one among the likes of the gods. They always give unsolicited advice and opinion over everything under the sun. They never accept defeat or admit their wrong, but in order to escape the humiliation, they plainly retaliate by making humor out of it or changes the topic or says ‘that’s your opinion, but I’m bunking on my stand, no truce.’ They try to get away with everything without much of a hassle. They are sore losers. When told of this bad habbit of being tagged as ‘know-it-all’, they either dismiss the idea as lame or reason out that they are just misunderstood. 

They just want to belong. There is always a phase in our life when we would want to create a new self whenever we are in a new crowd, not just blend in but rather stand out. They are not really that bad. They have got pure hearts for people they love. They are firm and decisive. They keep the balance of a lively conversation and life in general. They teach us to understand them and not to be like them. They are indeed oftentimes unaccepted and unloved for being misunderstood. 

They just need a lot of growing up. Maturity comes not only with age but also experience. What makes one an authority or expert on the matter of living life in general? We are all sinners, I’d like to correct that, I should say, none of us is perfect. Even those who have become wise through their years of experience had their own misfortunes and mistakes. I am not really trying to justify their existence in our society and environment but rather I am trying to understand their role and purpose as human beings. Each and every one of us is created differently, from every strand of hair up to our building blocks of DNA with the exception of course of identical twins but besides no twins are perfectly identical as to personality, intelligence, achievement and purpose, right, it is impossible. Although everything is possible with God, the possibilities of the surprises life has to offer are but puzzles pieces that makes us whole, which we just have to discover sooner or later or never by choice or by chance. The gravity of brain-wrecking, boiling-blood-causing and body-shaking irritating end-result and effect of one know-it-all is just part of the fair game of life. Live with it. 

refuge

The bottle did not do the trick. Come 7:00pm, I was already decided.

I was back to my 9-year old self, in between sobbing tears, the words came out of my mouth like thunder bolts. I went to my only refuge of strength, finally. The relief I needed was nothing close as I have imagined but the pain stinged deeper within me. Recalling the memory brought me back to day one when all reason has left my brain while my soul has lingered like a ghost in my earthly body. My dad just held me in his arms, with his thoughts, with all his heart; he became my strength after he whispered, ‘everything will be alright’. He cradled me to sleep. Although the nightmares did not stop, and I awoke without him by my side, I breathed-in oxygen like it was my personal morphine. Everything will be alright whether it be the best or the worst possibility I have predicted.

two-way mirror

I hear a mixture of noise constantly but I choose not to listen.

I shut away all sound and reason.

I listened to my heartbeat to decipher my heart’s desire.

I faced the mirror looking at a complete stranger.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.

I cried a teardrop and got lost in my nightmare.

————————————-

I choose not to tell my parents of what I am going through right now.

Yes, I am stubborn and a person with a major communication problem not only with respect to others but also myself. I am close with my parents, but they are barely aware of my true whereabouts, I just assure them I am safe and manage my self well when they aren’t around. This is close enough to make them believe I am A-ok. But I guess I can’t hide everything, I can’t deprive them of the obvious - I am going through a difficult time. This is not the first time. But eversince I cannot anymore remember when, they never urged me nor any of my siblings to share our life’s personal conundrums, they respect our own space, they don’t pry. Communication is our best and worst personality trait, it runs in the blood.

Everyone seems to be stubborn and secretive. We co-exist peacefully that way. But we do have our own language in the house, food, tv, politics, gossip, school, friends, work & family. Yes, we don’t talk about love. We show affection through hugs, jokes, tricks, & kisses, and yes, no outright ‘i love you’s”. Although everyone seems to be updated with school-standing, work status, and love relationships. We spare each one the details of the thoughts & feelings behind every success, failure, happiness, stress and heartaches. We choose not to put into words what seems to be already apparent, as long as we have each other. That’s why I choose to go home every night, even late night, with the long travel and danger of commuting. Seeing them just there hanging around the house, eating bread as dessert, all speaking loudly at each other, snoring loudly, sleeptalking and funny dancing with or without the music playing.

I have lived in the City since birth. My dad is an ECE undergraduate who worked freelance until I got into college when he decided to put up his own auto service shop. We never had savings. We manage to survive with whatever we have. But education for him is priceless thus he enrolled us in a Chinese private school since nursery. As long as he can provide for us, we need not worry about money. But then the economic crisis hit us big time. That’s why my law school was out of the picture right after I graduated from college. My mom has always been good in sales, thus, she can take care of our daily needs at home. We can manage with weekly visits with our relatives and annual trips in the province of Batangas & Oriental Mindoro to visit our calamansi trees which we had to give up and sell eventually last 2007 when our house caught fire. The transition of changes in our lifestyle has never been a major problem, we don’t live a luxurious life anyhow.

There is no such thing as a perfect family, mine is not even close to an exception. We fight over petty stuff like left-over food, dishwashing, tv, phone and ofcourse bathroom use. But I’ll never trade them for anything less. I like going home to them everyday, problematic yet relieved that I still have my home… my family to come home to. I am contented with that but then ofcourse I can’t help the constant hugs & kisses around the house, it’s contagious I say you. My dad to this date still calls me dalapotpot as he makes me sit on his lap. I am a self-confessed daddy’s girl. 

No matter how I try to shield them from information, it’s my way of protecting them, like how they protect me from the entire neighborhood. Everybody in the neighborhood knows me by name and face and I know I am safe whatever time I come home. I don’t seem to know everyone and I practically don’t talk nor smile at anyone. Except my not so distant relatives of course. I even refused to be a muse a lot of times in the barangay league. I have been a topic once in a while of their gossips but I am untouchable. I love our neighborhood that way. My dad grew up there. The family’s well respected, admired and ofcourse envied at some point. It’s not an affluent neighborhood. We do have squatters around and drug users but no violence so far. My parents brought us up well, none of us ever had a criminal record, well I guess none so far yet.

What’s the point with all this babbling? Well, I am trying to convince my self in not telling my parents my problem is the best decision. Considering my close friends seem to disagree unanimously, I just have to tell my self I am not changing my mind.

If you feel like no one cares about you

Think again

Look in the mirror

Because the person you see needs you more than anyone else

 - anonymous

end of hibernation

 

Finally, i am writing again!

wag kayong mag-alala hindi ako lumab-layp! how i wish! *charoosh* pero actually eto na i’m back from the grave at yun ang importante. 

Hindi pa natatapos ang mga suliranin ko sa buhay at nadadagdagan pa sila sa bawat araw na dumarating. ngunit subalit datapwat ang buhay ay nagpapatuloy lalo na anjan si papa john lloyd. *sigh*

So what’s been happening lately?

 

My heart is on fire.

1. mahirap masyadong mabait at popular

Gawa ng mga pangyayari nitong mga nakaraang mga araw, napatunayan ko talaga na mabait ako. San ka ba nakakita ng tinatapak-tapakan na’t lahat at malapit ng masira ang kinabukasan eh nagagawa pang intindihin ang taong nagpahamak sayo. Ni hindi ko nagawang iwish ang kamatayan niya. Hindi ko pinagsisisihan na mabait ako, although marami ang hindi makaintindi kung bakit ako ganito, problema na nila yun. Alam ko ang katotohanan, kontento na ko dun.

Confirmed talagang popular ako. Kung ako ang kumandidato ngayong election, sigurado… landslide… ako ang panalo. Hindi nga ba bad publicity is still publicity. Buti nalang at malinis ang konsensya ko, bahala na silang mamroblema at magchismisan, ako naman ang sumisikat, hindi sila. 

Gaano man kaganda ang papel mo sa mundo, ingatan mo man ito at itago sa baul, subukan mong silipin matapos ang 1 araw, dudumi at dudumi ito dahil may iba nang mga elemento na naninirahan dito.

2. masama ang masyadong nagtitiwala

nature ng tao ang magtiwala. pero nature din ng tao ang maging makasarili. so dapat talaga careful ka lagi. tamang tiwala sa ibang tao at hindi masama isipin ang kapakanan ng sarili. 

3. kilalanin ang tunay na nagmamahal sayo

“through good times ang bad times, i’ll be at your side forever more, coz that’s what friends are for.”

sa sobrang pagtitiwala at pagpapahalaga sa ibang tao bago ang sarili, kahit mga estranghero napapabilang sa circle of friends mo na hindi naman dapat. ngunit sadyang maalam ang tadhana at bibigyan ka nya ng pagkakataon para makilala ang mga tamang tao na dapat lang na pumaligid sayo.

ang matagal ko nang wish na hindi man ako magkwento, hindi man sila magsalita, dama ko ang pagmamahal nila, dama ko na nasasaktan din sila, dama ko ang mga paraan nila ng pag-aalala at pag-aalaga sa akin ay ang pinaka nakakabuti sa sitwasyon at sa akin.

maraming sadyang masama sa mundo, hindi natin sila dapat sisihin kasi yun talaga ang papel nila dito. iwasan nalang at huwag tularan kung hindi magawang labanan.

walang taong perpekto pero expect mo na marami ang magmamalinis at maghuhugas kamay sa araw ng paghuhukom.

iba-iba ang mga paraan ng mga tao para tumulong at pagpapakita ng concern. meron at meron sablay ang advice at meron at meron na aabusuhin ang pagkakataon at kahinaan mo.

mahal niya nga ako, confirmed. after all this time, bakit?!

mahal niya daw ako, pero hindi ko dama. ang pagkakaintindi ko, akala niya lang mahal niya ko pero hindi talaga.

etong dalawang tao na ito magulo talaga. ang sinasabi hindi tugma sa ginagawa at vice versa.

ok lang din naman kasi nagpapasalamat ako kasi lovable pala talaga ako. ako lang naman itong incapable of loving truly ata, mas unfair yun sa kanila.

4. alamin ang tunay na nadarama mo

sa sobra kong pag-iisip at pag-aalala sa ibang tao bago ang aking sarili. oo baliw ako mahal ko ang sarili ko pero least priority ko ang kapakanan ko. everyone who knows me would attest to this fact. kaya nga siguro binigyan ako ng ganitong pagsubok para isipin at alalahanin ko muna ang sarili ko bago ang ibang tao. totoo nga naman kasi sa lahat ng mga kaganapan ngayon wala na akong ibang inisip kundi ang sarili ko.

mahal ko pa siya pero hindi tulad ng pagmamahal ko sa kanya dati.

oo pumayag akong lumabas kami ng “Ex” ko. matapos ko siyang tanggihan ng 3 consecutive days eh pinaunlakan ko ang imbitasyon niya kagabi. huling hirit sa valentine’s, hindi ko rin natiis. bakit nga ba iddeprive ang sarili para maging masaya. 

kaya ko nang mag-exist ng wala siya at mag-co-exist kahit lagi siya andyan.

5. hindi masamang maging mag-isa

may mga pagkakataon sa mundo at kaganapan sa buhay na ikaw ay magiging mag-isa. ang pagiging autophobic ko ay state of mind lang na pinapataba ko ng todo kaya nilalamon na ko ng buhay ngayon. 

ang taong takot maiwan mag-isa ay hindi nangangahulugan na duwag siya o mahina. lahat ba ng independent eh matapang? hindi naman.

soldier down

One phone call was all it took for my family to know that lolo has finally joined our creator. Instantaneously, I was trying to remember when was the last time I saw him, his face, and his last words to me. I did not even visit him in the hospital last midterm exams. Now I’m feeling all regretful. I try to shove away the pain as I asked God if this is His will. He did not answer me back as expected.

I refused to visit him back then because I did not want to see him in a state of pain, for I knew all along I can’t take away his pain. And I knew it would be our last time together. I have been dreaming of him last year constantly. I now remember the old man yesterday while I was aboard the lrt, it was my lolo speaking to me. Is he taking away my pain with him?

I tried to recall my words to a friend that fate seems to enjoy bringing me more gifts of sorrow. Here’s another evidence. I was just joking around last night as if I was already doing fine. Now, I am miserable as ever but I cried no tear.

2006 Christmas, that was my last happy memory of lolo. He joined us for Noche Buena which was very unlikely of him. It was the first. Since I was born, he already had a new family and lived in Novaliches, where my dad was not anymore part of along with his brothers. He remarried a couple of years after my father’s biological mother died, the lola I never knew. My dad had stepsisters who came to live with us as soon as they enrolled for college. But they refused to recognize us as family, they even had lolo make them a separate door, that’s how we lost a bigger part of our home. I witnessed how they made a slave out of lolo, fetching their dirty clothes and bringing them food and supplies weekly. They treated him differently as how grown children should care for an old father, he travels to and fro by public transportation. My family never really understood their logic if they even had one. They had wrong judgments. My family would often convince lolo to join us for meals whenever he visits my step-aunts who’s always not around. His diet is very unhealthy for him. I loathed his second family for that.

I never get tired of listening to the old man’s stories. He always makes me feel like a child. He fought alongside the likes of a million Emilio Aguinaldo according to him. Our house was filled with his soldier gears, I was so amazed. 

The last memory I had of him was when our house caught fire. He was truly devastated. He built our home with his bare hands. And from how his tenants treated him thereafter, I curse them to death, they’ll forever live with what they have after the fire. 

It’s not the first time lolo’s been hospitalized, but this last time was the only time I failed in visiting him. Of all the people in the Raquel clan, only my two (2) brothers can stand my lolo’s personality, especially my kuya. They’re so much alike, I have always believed that they’re twins in a lot of ways but were only born of different eras. Oh how I enjoyed watching them together and listening to their conversations. 

He’s the only one who calls me “Eyika”, he never did pronounce “R” correctly. He calls kuya “Mike” instead of “Marc” and shoti “Bayan” instead of “Brian”. We never did correct him. He’s the only person we spoke shouting at, there’s no point correcting his pronounciation, it would not make much difference.

As a child, I have always bragged  about having been related to two (2) National heroes. Now, I have come to lose one (1) of them.

In loving memory of Bonifacio Raquel

A good father

The best grandfather

A soldier

An unsung hero

puzzled

With more unconscious effort, my mind was working up my day aboard the lrt when suddenly the old man sitting infront of me asked me,

 

Neng, nahihirapan ka ba?”

He was referring to the pile of books I was holding as he urged himself to get hold of them. But I smiled back at him saying, “Okay lang po ako, salamat po.”

But at the back of my mind my answer was totally the opposite, from what I felt right there and then my heart skipped a beat, and I uttered my response without breathing.

Since Saturday happened, everyone has been asking me non-stop “Are you ok?” or Kumusta ka naman?” And honestly, I am getting tired of telling them “I am not okay.” But the words that escaped the lips of that old man has left my mind more bewildered than ever. He was offering help to ease my pain, that’s how I felt, but still I refused. I am having no regrets of not giving him my books, my persona of it’s-better-that-I-suffer-than-others-because-I-can-bear-the-pain-lightly overpowered me once again. 

If that was God who spoke to me. It is another confirmation that He trusts my strength, right? He will not have me carry a burden I am incapable of carrying in the first place. But why did He have to ask if I was suffering? Is it His way of telling me, “Let me carry your pain, child.”

“I am my self for the world to hurt… but ultimately Yours for the taking.” - as my description reads.

I think I failed Him once again. I am not keeping my promise, my end of our bargain. “But You have far worst cases to handle, I will be alright, I can manage on my own, everything will be alright, You can make things right for me and yet yes I am not letting you.”

How ironic, for someone who is afraid of being lonely, I have the chosen the path of loneliness.

Am I really driving away the love I deserve?

Then here goes the song that bothered me even more. It’s supposed to be a love song but why does it sound to me more like an assurance?

Everday (by Agot Isidro)

Got a letter in the mail today
And I`m glad you`re doin` fine
You tell me you`re missing me
And it`s cold in New York City
Well me and the girls we`re alright
Thinking about you night after night
And if you feel the same way too
Just imagine me whispering to you

Everyday I`ll always love you
Everyday I`m always thinking of you
Everyday`s another lonely day without you
Everyday you`ll here beside me
Everyday I`m always dreaming of you
Everyday I will be right here waiting for you
Everyday hoo hoo hoo hoo

It`s another long and sleepless nights
And thoughts run through my mind
Guess I`m just feeling lonely
It`s been so empty since you`ve been gone
I`ll be holding on for it won`t be long
I`ll be counting the days till I see you home
I know you feel the way I do
So just remember these words I`ll say to you

Everyday I`ll always love you
Everyday I`m always thinking of you
Everyday`s another lonely day without you
Everyday you`ll here beside me
Everyday I`m always dreaming of you
Everyday I will be right here waiting for you
Everyday everyday

I cannot anymore turn back time when I could have let the old man carry my books. But what will I have to do with the pain I am going through now? Yet another puzzle to the big picture of life.  *sigh*

wtf

Ayon sa aking horoscope:

Cancer

Even if you want to be alone, break out of your shell and get out into the world.

 

 AYOKO NGA MAG-ISA! 

adding insult to injury

 

RUB IT IN MORE.

how strong am i?

I am shaking to the depth of my bones.

I am crying my lungs out.

I am coming close to a nervous breakdown.

Strength has somehow left my entire body.

I have gone very very exhausted.

Hope, faith, a pure heart & a clean conscience are all that I have in my hands.

I feel so betrayed.

I feel so alone.

I never seem to run out of storms to face ever since I came of legal age. But I guess, as struggling is just part of one’s existence, I have come to accept my fate of having been born to face the best of the worst in this world. 

But after all this time, I still can’t manage to react properly as any other ordinary prudent man would under the circumstances when I discovered the truth. I was not angry (for the nth time). I gave up my trust wholeheartedly, but I was betrayed and toyed (for the nth time). I was the one made to believe that everything is alright and God is still by my side that indeed “blessed are the pure in heart.” (for the nth time) And now, things again turned out differently ang against my favor (for the nth time). Now, I am the one suffering the charges of a delict I did not intentionally commit and never would I imagine of committing, not in a million years while all evidence points to me. (for the first time)

Now I remember how Atty. C once told me, “a person would never feel humanly complete unless and until you face a law suit.”

Should I then consider my self lucky to discover the truth of this statement this early stage of my life? I’m trying to imagine my self in the shoes of Ferdinand Marcos when he topped the bar exams while he was detained. But then again, as he was seated in the Presidential chair for more than two (2) decades, he ended up a deadman who’s living a legend in history around the world.

Good faith is not good enough a defense and is the least favored defense in any jurisdiction. But I am hopeful because I know for a fact that I am innocent. But God is my sole witness. For the longest time I have been studying law, I know for a fact that justice is not always served, not the same way as people would want it (to free the innocents & punish the guilty). So how can I ever hope that the truth shall set me free? Will it be enough that good karma will favor me and help me out of this?

What will happen now to my dreams of becoming a lawyer, a hukom bitay judge at that? Is it high time I kiss those dreams goodbye?

I ask God again, “Why me?, “What lesson are you trying to teach me?”, “How many times do you have to test my faith & my strength?” Indeed I know I am not perfect & I am nothing close to noble. But I have goodness in me, there is no doubt about that. As many friends would put it in other words, “Kung meron taong sagad hanggang buto ang kasamaan, ikaw (erica) sagad hanggang buto ang kabutihan.” I don’t deserve this.

“Why do bad things happen to good people?”

You will not be given a burden which you will not be able to bear. Without suffering, there will no compassion. Without pain, there will be no happiness.

I am running out of reasons to fight and be strong. I am at the brink of losing my sanity. Because no matter how hard I try to convince my self that everything will be alright. I am hopeful of the best and expecting the worst.

I almost got hit by a car yesterday. For three (3) straight nights, I am crying my way to sleep considering the fact that I am innocent. It’s nothing new that I will not be able to please everyone and it’s inevitable that people will come to judge me and my actions. But I can’t explain the feeling of not just humiliation but the truth of how reality plays tricks to people in random, especially to someone who is innocent, a fool, someone who embraced all the positivity of good things and goodness, someone who deserves better.

And as I come to face the challenges that fate has brought me, I felt more than just betrayed, I likewise feel alone. No one can seem to help me and everyone seems to be judging me. Not that anyone can do something about what I am going through right now and help ease the pain or solve my problem. Not that I am asking for help, although I am waiting and expecting the questions “how are you?”, “what happened?” and “what can we do for you?”. I am not as d**b as people think to ask for something that is impossible. All I want is constant company. All I ask of a friend is a hug. But I guess I’m getting the worse bargain of it all, the truth that at the end of the day I am indeed alone on this one. Alone. I dare not speak anymore.

When will things be clear?

I hope not the same time I lose my breath.

When the time comes that this shall come to an end, whether I stood victorious of clearing my family’s name or I get the ultimate punishment of kissing my dreams of becoming a lawyer goodbye, I wish to retire from all the pain. I have suffered enough at the age of 24.

But I guess, strong as I am, if ever I don’t lose my sanity during the proceedings when I will have to suffer the pain 10x more, I am more than proud to welcome more challenges, “bring it on.” I am indeed a masochist, one crazy strong lass.