early death

 

I will just be a memory away. 

I have never really thought of death to come closer my way until now.

I have always seen my self growing old with lots of children and grandchildren. I have imagined my self in my very huge library where I would be spending my last days of breath.

I would have already given my parents their hectares of land to cultivate. I would have given my children their own beach resort in Cebu and a rest house in Baguio. I would have treated my entire family in a world tour for every other year. I would have loved growing old with my best friend like my dream of a sister. I would have reached my rainbow smile when my life partner finally offers his love for me.

I would have laminated the newspapers with my printed name as the new Bar topnotcher beats highest recorded average. I would have made it in the Philippine judiciary. I would have already attended the inauguration of my own foundation for the educational support of the poor.

I would have enjoyed my wedding vows in the church where my parents got married and that moment holding on to my father as we approach the altar. I would have cherished every moment of a life more than forever with my husband and children.

I would have already witnessed a fully developed Philippines known to be no. 1 in the whole universe. I would have seen a better and successful Triskelion Order of Law.

But how come for the past three days I feel like I won’t be living that long. I feel like it’s time to say my goodbyes.

Papa and Mommy – I love you so much. Thank you for everything. You’re the most wonderful parents, it’s nothing close to perfect but I’ll never trade you for anything less. Sorry for all my shortcomings most specially my health problems and for all the sleepless nights I caused you worrying and waiting and for my disobeying behaviors and for all my lies and for missing chores. I’m sorry I failed to make you more proud of me.

Shoti – I love you. Live a very long life devoted to taking care of our parents. I know you will be successful. I hope you find a loving and smart partner with whom you’ll have the most adorable children.

Kuya – I love you believe me I do. I’ll never forget everything but I forgive you even if I don’t understand you. I wish you well.

Tracy – I love you. You’re my best friend whom I consider to be my twin sister by a heartbeat. Live  a long and happy life. You’ll be rich don’t worry and you’ll have many many children with Denver. I am sorry I will not be living that long to be there for you always. I will miss you dearly and all our moments together.

Noelle – I love you. I am sorry for my lies and the hurt I’ve caused you. I’m truly thankful and grateful to have met you and be loved by you. Continue to be strong. Take good care of your heart and your health. May your partner see your worth and prove their worth until death do you part. You’re going to be a very successful lawyer. I am sorry we won’t anymore be law partners. Send my love and regards to your parents & Argyle.

Tin – I love you. I’ve always admired you’re courage and wisdom. Thank you so much for everything specially for the love and sense of security. You’re going to be a very successful leader who would mark history books. You make your mama proud. I am sorry I can’t be ninang to your children with Victor.

Chenly – I love you. Thank you for your wisdom of silence and mostly for being a great bro. You’ll make your papa proud. Continue to fill more hearts with happiness and joy. Continue to be merry as you’ve always been. Sayang we won’t be spending a longer time together to be closer. Please send my love to Garfield and sorry for not being able to tell him personally. I hope he achieves all his dreams in life.

Ashley Rax & Tin – I love you mga mare. I am very thankful for your gracious hearts that offered friendship and for welcoming me with open arms. I’ll never forget you guys for adopting me as part of your barkada. You all be happy and successful in life ah. Ashley I am sorry I will not be able to vote for you as president anymore. Sayang I won’t be there to witness that. Rax & Tin I am sorry I won’t be attending your weddings. I hope you’ll never forget me.

Allan Shaun Reo & Xcess – I love you brods. I am super thankful for your company and care and everything else & more. I will never ever forget you all. Cheers to all your golden drunken hearts. Be merry without me.

Hazel Vanessa Ina Vince Gary & JP – I love you guys. I am truly thankful for the friendship and all our memories together. Keep the friendship alive forever kahit in memory of me nalang.

1K batch 2005- I love you guys. We didn’t spend that much time together but 1st year in San Beda COllege of law would never be happier and complete without you guys. 

These thoughts send shivers up my spine. I know no known sickness of mine other than acute ulcer which almost caused me my life at the age of 21 but what I’m feeling lately is more scary than that. Although I have always had my usual unconscious moments since age 11 excluding my drunken braindead moments, it never really occurred to me to actually believe that death will come my way earlier than expected. 

I am not afraid of death. I have already seen myself dead in a dream - a young lifeless lass with a smile on her face, disheveled hair and barefoot. 

I am more afraid of the time left for me to live and that which I would be losing after death.

who me?

When you change

When things change

how much of you do you forget

how much of you do you lose

How can you teach your self to remember

How can you guide your self to recall

Will it be for your own good

Will it make you evil

How well do you know your self

How can you tell if you truly know your self

I had a happy childhood. It was never close to perfect but I enjoyed every memory I had of it all. I never did cry a lot as a child. But as I grow older that didn’t change either. Or did I? People see me always as two extremes.

For someone who is weak I hardly cry.

For someone who is strong I don’t fight.

I am a woman of many words but noise scares me.

I am a woman who enjoys humor but hardly laughs.

With lots of questions in mind I don’t like answers.

With so much love to offer I see my self unworthy of love reciprocated.

alak pa

I’ve been drowning my self in alcohol for the past 3 days and still i want to get drunk tonight. Although I am not really feeling physically capacitated to drink another more bottle, considering the fact that I’m going dizzy with just a blink of an eye, like there’s always an earthquake or something, i still just want to drink and be merry. 

Drinking alcohol i know is bad for my health (diagnosed with acute ulcer) and with lack of sleep in lawschool, i know I’m pushing my self too far.  But what else is there for me to hold on to… but another cold bottle of beer who seems to smile back at me whenever I take a grip on him.

I am self-confessed alcoholic. 

I just can’t share my dilemma to anybody else. Yes, I am playing pretend that everything is okay. But aren’t we all great pretenders? Life is getting so chaotic and more people enjoys pitching in additional misery. Why can’t things be peaceful for just one moment in time?

reality is plain inescapable

life is inevitable

pain is pain 

adios 2008

Before my 2008 halted to its finish line, I wish to forgive my self for all the wrong I committed as i forgive those who have caused me wrong. Never will I forget I know but I learned from them all and I will try my best to make things right if not better this 2009. And so here they are, my not so good moments of sorrow the past year which I kept  unto my self alone until today.

every break of dawn is a breath of fresh air 

now, i bid thee fairwell

estranged ties

People who truly love you will never hurt you

But if they need to

You’ll see in their eyes that they are hurting too.

 

(an old entry)

I lied.

I hurt you.

I am sorry.

No word in the dictionary could ever justify and explain what I did. I even hate liars myself but I did what I had to do. Nothing has ever been the same before and not that I don’t want that either because it will be too late for that also. What’s done is done. Probably I did make the wrong choices and they were my choices to make. Either way I was miserable. I wanted you in that misery with me. I was in that pit and for you to join me was unacceptable and unforgivable.

I want to make up for the hurt.

Believe me when I say “I love you still”.

There were many voices. Bad things happened like fireworks. I have been told that I should have chosen you. You likewise wanted me to choose you. At that time you considered you were right… everyone else believed otherwise. I was caught in the middle. I refused to speak. You saw me differently. I saw you differently. We misunderstood each other. Everyone misunderstood us.

I know you will never forget.

Same goes for me.

Will you forgive me?

I know how much you love and care for me. That’s probably more than what I have for you but I still do. Will you find it in there to forgive me? There’s no turning back anymore because we’re all facing forward and must move forward. I know we’ll both never forget everything. But can we give ourselves another chance to make things right if not better?

I am selfish.

I need you.

You once told me that you’ll love me still and accept me as I am no matter what because you are my friend. I have not been making better judgments lately. I truly need some more growing up with you around. I am frightened of tomorrow more than anything else. I am somehow starting to loose it. It all began when I felt I have lost you.

hate and anger

(an old entry)

How does hate and anger grow?

What makes us never forget?

For everyone who knew me well enough to judge me with my consent… they would know I am not at all pleasant and good natured. Yes, I do have a heart of gold but that does not make me equal with the gods.

I learned hate and anger a long time ago – that which is deeply rooted in my existence – that which I never wanted to feel again for another human being because it was never the same again for me. It has not left me since then.

You are my lightning rod.

Why not take my life the normal way?

Why do you prefer to see us all suffer in agony? 

a letter for you

Usually the person with more smiles

is the same person with more heartaches

(an old entry)

After loitering the entire day at home I really did not expect anything out of the ordinary that would make my day specially memorable. But I guess fate has other plans for me.

I am sorry

For every pain I have caused you

For your aching muscles and body parts

For your brilliant mind and wondrous hands

For your never-ending sacrifices

For your drunken moments

For your not so good of a health

For your many sleepless nights

For your unconditional love

I say things which I can never apply to my self

I do things which are but contrary to my words

I choose to endure pain on my own

I am a lot like you

You are not perfect

But I still love you

Weird is it not?

That you cannot escape me…

You still love me

You always did

And always will

You can forgive and forget

Which I guess hurts you more

You are afraid of my future

You are afraid of leaving us behind who are not strong enough without you around

I am afraid to

Please do not think that way

Yes I am selfish

You are all I have

When I got older, things I knew and believe were all about to change somehow but I guess the changes still surprise me more than anything in this world. Things seem to be getting worse that no matter how much I try to convince my self to just believe and have faith there are just moments when I go out of my lucid interval state and feel miserable. And the feeling wants me to break down and cry but hypocrite and proud as I am I remain standing and smiling and with no trace even of teary eyes.

Then I come to think of the many sacrifices which seem to be of no use and point anymore. I am getting used to the feeling and playing pretend is a mastery already.

I have grown to be different and I can’t say I like it

I have always been stubborn but I think I am getting worse

I am not strong enough to fight my own battles

I am tired of facing my battles alone

I am not a one man army

So are you

Why don’t you permit me to help you

Why don’t you let me into your life… your mind… and your heart

You are my human hero

You can me make me yours