early death

 

I will just be a memory away. 

I have never really thought of death to come closer my way until now.

I have always seen my self growing old with lots of children and grandchildren. I have imagined my self in my very huge library where I would be spending my last days of breath.

I would have already given my parents their hectares of land to cultivate. I would have given my children their own beach resort in Cebu and a rest house in Baguio. I would have treated my entire family in a world tour for every other year. I would have loved growing old with my best friend like my dream of a sister. I would have reached my rainbow smile when my life partner finally offers his love for me.

I would have laminated the newspapers with my printed name as the new Bar topnotcher beats highest recorded average. I would have made it in the Philippine judiciary. I would have already attended the inauguration of my own foundation for the educational support of the poor.

I would have enjoyed my wedding vows in the church where my parents got married and that moment holding on to my father as we approach the altar. I would have cherished every moment of a life more than forever with my husband and children.

I would have already witnessed a fully developed Philippines known to be no. 1 in the whole universe. I would have seen a better and successful Triskelion Order of Law.

But how come for the past three days I feel like I won’t be living that long. I feel like it’s time to say my goodbyes.

Papa and Mommy – I love you so much. Thank you for everything. You’re the most wonderful parents, it’s nothing close to perfect but I’ll never trade you for anything less. Sorry for all my shortcomings most specially my health problems and for all the sleepless nights I caused you worrying and waiting and for my disobeying behaviors and for all my lies and for missing chores. I’m sorry I failed to make you more proud of me.

Shoti – I love you. Live a very long life devoted to taking care of our parents. I know you will be successful. I hope you find a loving and smart partner with whom you’ll have the most adorable children.

Kuya – I love you believe me I do. I’ll never forget everything but I forgive you even if I don’t understand you. I wish you well.

Tracy – I love you. You’re my best friend whom I consider to be my twin sister by a heartbeat. Live  a long and happy life. You’ll be rich don’t worry and you’ll have many many children with Denver. I am sorry I will not be living that long to be there for you always. I will miss you dearly and all our moments together.

Noelle – I love you. I am sorry for my lies and the hurt I’ve caused you. I’m truly thankful and grateful to have met you and be loved by you. Continue to be strong. Take good care of your heart and your health. May your partner see your worth and prove their worth until death do you part. You’re going to be a very successful lawyer. I am sorry we won’t anymore be law partners. Send my love and regards to your parents & Argyle.

Tin – I love you. I’ve always admired you’re courage and wisdom. Thank you so much for everything specially for the love and sense of security. You’re going to be a very successful leader who would mark history books. You make your mama proud. I am sorry I can’t be ninang to your children with Victor.

Chenly – I love you. Thank you for your wisdom of silence and mostly for being a great bro. You’ll make your papa proud. Continue to fill more hearts with happiness and joy. Continue to be merry as you’ve always been. Sayang we won’t be spending a longer time together to be closer. Please send my love to Garfield and sorry for not being able to tell him personally. I hope he achieves all his dreams in life.

Ashley Rax & Tin – I love you mga mare. I am very thankful for your gracious hearts that offered friendship and for welcoming me with open arms. I’ll never forget you guys for adopting me as part of your barkada. You all be happy and successful in life ah. Ashley I am sorry I will not be able to vote for you as president anymore. Sayang I won’t be there to witness that. Rax & Tin I am sorry I won’t be attending your weddings. I hope you’ll never forget me.

Allan Shaun Reo & Xcess – I love you brods. I am super thankful for your company and care and everything else & more. I will never ever forget you all. Cheers to all your golden drunken hearts. Be merry without me.

Hazel Vanessa Ina Vince Gary & JP – I love you guys. I am truly thankful for the friendship and all our memories together. Keep the friendship alive forever kahit in memory of me nalang.

1K batch 2005- I love you guys. We didn’t spend that much time together but 1st year in San Beda COllege of law would never be happier and complete without you guys. 

These thoughts send shivers up my spine. I know no known sickness of mine other than acute ulcer which almost caused me my life at the age of 21 but what I’m feeling lately is more scary than that. Although I have always had my usual unconscious moments since age 11 excluding my drunken braindead moments, it never really occurred to me to actually believe that death will come my way earlier than expected. 

I am not afraid of death. I have already seen myself dead in a dream - a young lifeless lass with a smile on her face, disheveled hair and barefoot. 

I am more afraid of the time left for me to live and that which I would be losing after death.

who me?

When you change

When things change

how much of you do you forget

how much of you do you lose

How can you teach your self to remember

How can you guide your self to recall

Will it be for your own good

Will it make you evil

How well do you know your self

How can you tell if you truly know your self

I had a happy childhood. It was never close to perfect but I enjoyed every memory I had of it all. I never did cry a lot as a child. But as I grow older that didn’t change either. Or did I? People see me always as two extremes.

For someone who is weak I hardly cry.

For someone who is strong I don’t fight.

I am a woman of many words but noise scares me.

I am a woman who enjoys humor but hardly laughs.

With lots of questions in mind I don’t like answers.

With so much love to offer I see my self unworthy of love reciprocated.