adios 2008

Before my 2008 halted to its finish line, I wish to forgive my self for all the wrong I committed as i forgive those who have caused me wrong. Never will I forget I know but I learned from them all and I will try my best to make things right if not better this 2009. And so here they are, my not so good moments of sorrow the past year which I kept  unto my self alone until today.

every break of dawn is a breath of fresh air 

now, i bid thee fairwell

estranged ties

People who truly love you will never hurt you

But if they need to

You’ll see in their eyes that they are hurting too.

 

(an old entry)

I lied.

I hurt you.

I am sorry.

No word in the dictionary could ever justify and explain what I did. I even hate liars myself but I did what I had to do. Nothing has ever been the same before and not that I don’t want that either because it will be too late for that also. What’s done is done. Probably I did make the wrong choices and they were my choices to make. Either way I was miserable. I wanted you in that misery with me. I was in that pit and for you to join me was unacceptable and unforgivable.

I want to make up for the hurt.

Believe me when I say “I love you still”.

There were many voices. Bad things happened like fireworks. I have been told that I should have chosen you. You likewise wanted me to choose you. At that time you considered you were right… everyone else believed otherwise. I was caught in the middle. I refused to speak. You saw me differently. I saw you differently. We misunderstood each other. Everyone misunderstood us.

I know you will never forget.

Same goes for me.

Will you forgive me?

I know how much you love and care for me. That’s probably more than what I have for you but I still do. Will you find it in there to forgive me? There’s no turning back anymore because we’re all facing forward and must move forward. I know we’ll both never forget everything. But can we give ourselves another chance to make things right if not better?

I am selfish.

I need you.

You once told me that you’ll love me still and accept me as I am no matter what because you are my friend. I have not been making better judgments lately. I truly need some more growing up with you around. I am frightened of tomorrow more than anything else. I am somehow starting to loose it. It all began when I felt I have lost you.

hate and anger

(an old entry)

How does hate and anger grow?

What makes us never forget?

For everyone who knew me well enough to judge me with my consent… they would know I am not at all pleasant and good natured. Yes, I do have a heart of gold but that does not make me equal with the gods.

I learned hate and anger a long time ago – that which is deeply rooted in my existence – that which I never wanted to feel again for another human being because it was never the same again for me. It has not left me since then.

You are my lightning rod.

Why not take my life the normal way?

Why do you prefer to see us all suffer in agony? 

a letter for you

Usually the person with more smiles

is the same person with more heartaches

(an old entry)

After loitering the entire day at home I really did not expect anything out of the ordinary that would make my day specially memorable. But I guess fate has other plans for me.

I am sorry

For every pain I have caused you

For your aching muscles and body parts

For your brilliant mind and wondrous hands

For your never-ending sacrifices

For your drunken moments

For your not so good of a health

For your many sleepless nights

For your unconditional love

I say things which I can never apply to my self

I do things which are but contrary to my words

I choose to endure pain on my own

I am a lot like you

You are not perfect

But I still love you

Weird is it not?

That you cannot escape me…

You still love me

You always did

And always will

You can forgive and forget

Which I guess hurts you more

You are afraid of my future

You are afraid of leaving us behind who are not strong enough without you around

I am afraid to

Please do not think that way

Yes I am selfish

You are all I have

When I got older, things I knew and believe were all about to change somehow but I guess the changes still surprise me more than anything in this world. Things seem to be getting worse that no matter how much I try to convince my self to just believe and have faith there are just moments when I go out of my lucid interval state and feel miserable. And the feeling wants me to break down and cry but hypocrite and proud as I am I remain standing and smiling and with no trace even of teary eyes.

Then I come to think of the many sacrifices which seem to be of no use and point anymore. I am getting used to the feeling and playing pretend is a mastery already.

I have grown to be different and I can’t say I like it

I have always been stubborn but I think I am getting worse

I am not strong enough to fight my own battles

I am tired of facing my battles alone

I am not a one man army

So are you

Why don’t you permit me to help you

Why don’t you let me into your life… your mind… and your heart

You are my human hero

You can me make me yours