fear factor

Since Fear Factor Philippines of ABS-CBN debut on national television, I can’t help but think of phobias. Wouldn’t you be curious yourself? Although I have always enjoyed watching the original fear factor, with all the stunts and the additional info on the different kinds of fears in the world as I have always thought about my own set of fears, it makes me curious now as ever as Filipino fears are exposed on this reality tv show. 

And of all the fears in the world, I always end up thinking of autophobia.

 

Autophobia - Fear of being alone or of oneself.

 I can manage spiders, worms, snakes, heights, and the list of phobias goes on and on. Although I am not the extreme autophobic type, I always manage to be around people, even amongst a crowd i don’t know. I just want to see people around me although they are not really with me, get the picture?

I don’t like being left alone at home. 

I don’t like eating alone.

I don’t like shopping alone.

I can’t even imagine watching a movie alone.

Although I can still manage taking a bath alone, I am in too deep with my phobia. And the worst part of it is the fact that I am diagnosed with acute ulcer which almost caused me my life at the age of 21. I don’t eat alone, I never did, I never will. Thus, in order to prolong my life further, I manage to eat crackers even while in transit or even during class hours. I can’t afford to be hospitalized again… for the nth time. 

Pathetic as it may seem for others, I am lost of words to describe how I feel when I am faced with nothing but the ticking of the clock or the buzzing sound of silence. My friends say I am being too dependent of others, wanting them to adjust for my sake… that it is high time I grow up and be on my own. They just can’t seem to understand and accept me this way. They see me as weak this way for being too needy of others in order to go on with my life. But I resent that. 

I can manage independence. I can manage being alone but not the thoughts and feelings I have when I am alone. I have come to the realization that I don’t like lull moments, I choose to keep my self always busy and preoccupied with anything I can put my self into. I have to have my hands or mind or both at work. And if and when I ran out of things to keep my self focused on, including the time I want to pause to rest a while, the people around me becomes my object of attention. I can either watch them, talk to them and touch them. I like being around people to make me savour my existence… they make me feel human, normal yet special. I am like them in a lot of ways but still not the same person as I am. If noone still gets me then so be it. I rest my case.

I believe there is nothing wrong with having fears. Each and everyone of us have our own secret stories on phobias to tell. Talking about it and facing it makes us overcome it like as we grow up. Having fears is just part of life. Because when I come to ponder on it more, I realize that without fear there will be no faith. Our fears make us strong… it makes us fight for whatever it’s worth.