cold feet

I have been having weird dreams lately, can’t really remember them now but they have been disturbing my beauty sleep for quite some time which is now getting into my nerves - not a good mood specially this holiday season. My bestfriend just told me a while ago that i’m probably thinking a lot (more like worrying). What goes through my head lately indeed worries me like hell but I can’t help but worry. I know it is alright to worry about the future but getting things into motion is an entirely different story. It is like channeling “like” to “love” which will never happen in a million years.

make me feel at ease

let me be

i need peace

give it to me

ang tagahanga

your watchful eyes has wandered carefully

where my feet has brought me around the room

i once followed your gaze

which lead me to your smiling stares straight at me

i smiled and nodded back at you

and it was our night to remember

himig ng pasko

The clock is ticking close to December 25 but until this very moment I still can’t feel the spirit of Christmas.

80’s kid ako, I can’t say I had the best Christmas experience as a child but I was never deprived of that feeling na I can’t wait for Christmas to come. Simbang gabi was great back then and even the Christmas carols are memories to be treasured a lifetime. Noche buena and stockings filled with wish lists are to die for. Shopping galores always makes a difficult year worthwhile.

But what has happened now to little Juan dela Cruz and his Christmas - wala na atang bata na naniniwala na nagsasabit ng medyas sa pintuan at nag-iiwan ng biskwit at gatas para kay Santa. Dati satisfied na sa bagong outfit pero ngayon di lang bago dapat trendy. Ang caroling sa mga bahay-bahay ay isang raket lang para makapag-surveillance ang akyat-bahay gang. Ang charity at outreach programs na kaliwa’t-kanan eh rason lang pang hugas ng mga kasalanan kuno pero sa totoo lang tax exemption nga naman kasi. 

Does the things we do really define who we are? 

Probably because I’ve grown to become 24 and Christmas is just another reason to worry about gastusin. During this season, we spend to attain the idea of happiness being offered to others, but at the end of the day we ourselves are miserable. Making other people happy will never truly make you happy. Trust me, been there… done that! Happiness is a choice. It is a state of mind which varies depending on our wanting.

Ah basta hindi ko ma-equate yun feeling ng Christmas season back then at ang yun ngayon. Hindi naman sa hindi masaya, pero malaking pagkakaiba. Is it just me dahil hindi na kasi ako bata? But then again, thankful ako that I experienced the joy of Christmas way back then. I oh so miss those times kaya lang hindi na kasi babalik ang kahapon eh.

1 wish granted

After bloghopping, I remembered looking up john lapuz’s blog which I have always heard of to be one good reading material, and to which I must concur. After reading his entries, I had an idea for my next post. He mentioned how as a child he wanted to become “Maricel Soriano”, yun lang ang pangarap niya. But little did he know there’s more in it for him. Ofcourse he did not become “Maricel Soriano” but he became her “anak” and she has taught him a lot about life and what has become of him now has something to do with a part of Maricel Soriano in his life.

 

Be careful of what you wish for.

Remember how I once mentioned about how wishes do come true in real life? Yes, they do. It happened to me not so long ago. I can’t say I am psychic and can fortell the future but things ahead of me has their way of making me wish for them.

I can not anymore recall what I wanted to become when I was in kindergarden but I always wanted to become a dancer, well probably because I’ve got the moves. I may not look like I can but trust me when I say, I can groove baby. Then I thought of becoming something more than just a dancer, not that I can’t make big money out of it, but it came to me that it is just a hobby.

I wanted to affect other people’s lives. I want to become a teacher. Wala man akong favorite teacher, amazed talaga kasi ako dahil ang dami nilang alam at ang catch dun they impart their knowledge to us innocent children who will become the future of our nation. Teaching is still the most noble profession and the root of all knowledge. I can’t say wisdom because that would have to be acquired with more than just knowledge, it takes time, experience and people. But then after I failed in my mini-teaching stint in our elementary days, I guess teaching is just not for me.

Come 1995, the movie Judge Max Asuncion: Hukom Bitay put into picture and words all i wanted to become and more. I may not look like I have what it takes to be a judge, gusto ko lang talaga kasi yun black robe at siyempre yun hammer and gavel. But ofcourse other than that, I know I can really affect other people’s lives. I did not just wish for becoming a lawyer, I wanted to become a judge. So I told my self I have to do something about my wish.

I was not really born an achiever. My early years of education was in St. Stephen’s High School. It is a Chinese school. Yes, I am not Chinese, I am a pure Filipino. Hindi maipagkakaila, physical appearance palang. I can’t say I was treated differently always, but yes I did felt the discrimination. So I had to excel at some point. I worked really hard. My parents value education more than anything in this world next to God and family ofcourse. I was really supported by my parents in all my school activities, I even had tutors. But studying hard has never made me no. 1 in class, there are always people better. Not that I envy them but then again I pity my self. Bobo ba talaga ako kasi Pilipino ako at Chinese sila o dahil nasa Chinese school kasi ako? Pero yun teacher naman namin Pilipino so that means may pag-asa pa ako; besides, nasa Pilipinas naman kami at wala ako balak magpatalo nang hindi lumalaban. Ok lang kahit wala ako sa honor roll, lagi naman ako nasa first section. Kaya lang wala talaga ko natanggap na kahit special award man lang pagdating ng graduation. Hindi naman kasi yun ang naging goal ko. Then I told my self, I have to plot my future.

College life na, it is my time to shine! Sabi ko sa sarili ko, what do I want that I have to get come graduation day? Something I missed out back in High School, an academic award. I applied for three universities - UP, ADMU & DLSU. But I really wanted to enter DLSU. “Blessed are the pure in heart”, mahal talaga ako ni God, I passed my university of choice - DLSU and my first course of choice - Legal Management. I was making my way to fulfilling my dreams… of becoming a judge. Studying in a university has opened many other opportunities, for me to wish for so much more and become so much more. I involved my self in extra-curricular activities while keeping up with my academics. I had my fair share of highs and lows of college life, good friends, bad company, gimiks, culture shock, sense of professionalism and unprofessionalism, great professors, kupal professors, inuman, happy hour billiards, ojt, thesis at marami pang iba. Come graduation day, my wish came true, 1st runner up “Best Legal Research Paper”. (miss you, eric!)

Who would have thought that I can make it and that my wish would eventually come true? Well, I did.

All these in mind, my future ahead, i.e., Judge Erica Raquel: Hukom Bitay, is just one wish away.

blessed

 

Blessed are the pure in heart, says the Bible.

 

I have always thought of giving up on life’s shortcomings. Finding the strength to move on and accept reality can either make us martyrs and pretenders. I am a living epitomy of a lost wanderer. Many of us are. We submit our selves to fate in the same way as we live life one day at a time. Not that I believe in pre-destination, de javu, and reincarnation, but figuring out the questionable can make one go insane.

Freedom, perfection, success and happiness are all attainable because they are but a state of mind. 

But how come many people suffer? Because without suffering there will be no compassion and without pain there will be no happiness. Co-existence of opposites maintains the balance of life. 

But is there really balance? The world is so big to determine the ratio of co-existence of opposites and doing the math is not even my forte, but believing the impossible and having faith in the unthinkable are clear manifestations that there is always someone watching over us. He may be good, he may be bad, he can do whatever pleases him and regret never crosses his mind. Unfair as it may seem that we are not the master of our own lives but the thought of being alone without Him will then encourage chaos to walk in the picture and where would that leave us?

That is why I entrust to Him everything. Besides, it would not hurt to believe and have faith.

You are my ultimate dilemma

You are my only answer

You complete me

yesterday

What makes us pause before moving forward?

What makes us look back?

What makes us shake our heads?

What makes us remember the past?

Join me in saying aloud:

 

Yesterday ended last night!

Why fuzz about yesterday when we can never undo the past? You’ll never even cross the same river twice.

Then I thought of answering this question. 

Possible answers:

1. We are so happy, thus holding on too much to that thought just to prolong the feeling.

2. We are in so much pain, regret, and worry, that the idea of clinging on to such thoughts would answer our probing questions, i.e., the why, how, what, where.

3. We are so lost, thus convincing oneself that finding our true and radical self would change our future.

4. We are in great awe of the success of yester years, thus relieving oneself of that thought of the “only” promises of tomorrow.

At the end of the day, the things we do are the choices we make. Every waking hour is the answer to all our questions, i.e., a new day to begin with, to learn, to stumble, to smile, to cry, to succeed, etc. - that sums up “I am alive.” I mean should that not count? Why disregard the obvious? And that is ofcourse another option. But then again why aren’t you forgetting to breathe in air?

Life is a gift and not a curse. Survival is not just another option, it is a blessing.

call me by my name

then i’ll hear you

look me in the eyes

then i’ll see you

put your hands on mine

then i’ll believe you

when in that distant past i’ve traveled long ago

your thoughts have always said hello

how come you don’t even recall?

how come i remember it all?

sandman alert

 

sandman: blog mo ba yan? anything new about the sandmand?

  

It’s been a year since the sandman was the object of my thoughts which later became the subject of my blogs. His sudden question made me step back a little from where I was standing. 

wanted: perfect mate

After trading class for dinner with my bestfriend, regret was the last thing on my mind. I really enjoy long talks with her. We are alike in a lot of ways but still two different persons. We had the usual topics, update with her work, my classes, our other friends, our families and the last but not the least “boys”.

We are both single. Have had our own separate mishaps on relationships but we’re still here smiling and talking about it like it’s just another headline news. After a two-hour intellectual congress, I can’t help but think about what she always says about my preference on men, that they are not good enough for me. And it struck me like lightning because no matter how hard I try to deny it, it’s just plain obvious. 

Yes, I have set my standards, the unhumanly possible “perfect mate”. But then I always end up settling for someone with whom I can be happy with. Not that they make me happy. It’s just that I am plain happy with them. Although they can manage to be somebody out of a nobody, he is not my kind of somebody. Yet, I can see pass that and still be overly happy being with them. And they are my perfect mate that way but not my kind of “perfect mate”.

I am not another typical girl who has a long line of suitors and plenty of male acquaintances to choose from. I also prefer not to entertain someone who fairly does not have a chance of becoming my partner. I want that spark right there from the beginning. I can’t say “love at first sight” but rather “interested at first sight”. He might just be that kind of magnet that attracts me no matter how i try hard to pull my self away. It’s the same way how I met my closest of friends. 

Oftentimes, this sort of good enough perfect mate’s nothing close to my imaginary perfect mate and I am content with that no matter how difficult unworthy he may be for me and what I am. But unfortunately, he can’t deal with that fact that everyone including fate seems to hold it against us. And it pains me more that he’s hurting and thereafter nothing was ever the same again because he backs out without putting up a good fight for me and for us… which what my bestfriend always emphasizes right on my face - more like I tend to be the one wearing the pants in the relationship on my perspective.

Does this mean that there is really noone good enough for me? But I beg to disagree on that. The perfect mate is not just someone we can find on the streets or in the web. We ourselves make our selves the perfect mate because when we have become our very selves as the perfect mate, fate will have to hold-up his hands in surrender to give us our perfect mate match.

Does this mean I can manage not mingling with men while I’m in this process of making my self perfect and waiting for my match? Again, I disagree. We can not just deprive our selves of what’s right in front of us, i.e., the reality that we co-exist with testosterone filled beings in this world, that will just be like getting away from a stray bullet. But we will just have to keep in mind of maintaining our purity in the process. With the world gone radical, carnal knowledge is just some physical need humans cannot easily resist. But then when your will is strong, you can always manage to be sane enough to not commit mistakes including the same mistake twice. 

I can’t say I have put into action these thoughts, I have yet to finish the book “I kissed dating goodbye” - which I have not finished reading for 3 years now. But where does all these put me? I am more than confused as ever. I can’t just hide my happy soul bursting out of my system. Although my limits has yet to be violated, I am lost for my final statement.

hilarious memory

I had a really funny encounter yesterday.

Between 7:00 up to 7:30pm, ADR class of Atty. Valderama:

male: “nice nails, although nakakapanibago”

me: “hindi ba bagay?”

male: “ok nga eh, kaya lang kulang ka sa make-up”

me: “nyek” (and focused my attention back to our professor)

if we were not only in class and if we were really that close, i swear i would have laughed really hard until i snorted. bwahahahaha! 

and the catch is not only the nails and the make-up, the male is not even gay!

fine, i am a law student who looks like i’m in high school; it’s a gift from God, i have no reasonable complaints. i don’t have to wear make-up unless there’s (a) an occasion (b) absolutely necessary for my job and (c) whenever i feel like i look trash. What’s happening to the world?! and what’s happening to men?! Besides whenever I do wear make-up, people tend to notice which makes me feel uncomfortable. I am 24 years old, do i need a permit or something just to wear make-up?! But the above-mentioned conversation was a first. Now, I just don’t get people.

without make-up vs. with make-up

fear factor

Since Fear Factor Philippines of ABS-CBN debut on national television, I can’t help but think of phobias. Wouldn’t you be curious yourself? Although I have always enjoyed watching the original fear factor, with all the stunts and the additional info on the different kinds of fears in the world as I have always thought about my own set of fears, it makes me curious now as ever as Filipino fears are exposed on this reality tv show. 

And of all the fears in the world, I always end up thinking of autophobia.

 

Autophobia - Fear of being alone or of oneself.

 I can manage spiders, worms, snakes, heights, and the list of phobias goes on and on. Although I am not the extreme autophobic type, I always manage to be around people, even amongst a crowd i don’t know. I just want to see people around me although they are not really with me, get the picture?

I don’t like being left alone at home. 

I don’t like eating alone.

I don’t like shopping alone.

I can’t even imagine watching a movie alone.

Although I can still manage taking a bath alone, I am in too deep with my phobia. And the worst part of it is the fact that I am diagnosed with acute ulcer which almost caused me my life at the age of 21. I don’t eat alone, I never did, I never will. Thus, in order to prolong my life further, I manage to eat crackers even while in transit or even during class hours. I can’t afford to be hospitalized again… for the nth time. 

Pathetic as it may seem for others, I am lost of words to describe how I feel when I am faced with nothing but the ticking of the clock or the buzzing sound of silence. My friends say I am being too dependent of others, wanting them to adjust for my sake… that it is high time I grow up and be on my own. They just can’t seem to understand and accept me this way. They see me as weak this way for being too needy of others in order to go on with my life. But I resent that. 

I can manage independence. I can manage being alone but not the thoughts and feelings I have when I am alone. I have come to the realization that I don’t like lull moments, I choose to keep my self always busy and preoccupied with anything I can put my self into. I have to have my hands or mind or both at work. And if and when I ran out of things to keep my self focused on, including the time I want to pause to rest a while, the people around me becomes my object of attention. I can either watch them, talk to them and touch them. I like being around people to make me savour my existence… they make me feel human, normal yet special. I am like them in a lot of ways but still not the same person as I am. If noone still gets me then so be it. I rest my case.

I believe there is nothing wrong with having fears. Each and everyone of us have our own secret stories on phobias to tell. Talking about it and facing it makes us overcome it like as we grow up. Having fears is just part of life. Because when I come to ponder on it more, I realize that without fear there will be no faith. Our fears make us strong… it makes us fight for whatever it’s worth.