finding answers

growing up and seeing plenty of changes go about your feet, one can’t help but be mesmerized and at the same time be devastated. then there will come the question, who is to blame? is there really someone to blame? must there be blaming?

over one ride in a friend’s car just 2 months ago, i can’t help but go back to that question that was addressed to me.

“buti ok lang sayo na well-off kayo dati at hindi na ngayon?”

air has somehow left my ozone layer as i struggled to have my self react and answer back.

eventhough i have not contemplated thoroughly my answer, words has somehow left my mouth, “well that’s life, ok lang.”

is it really ok with me that things had changed in my family’s status in the society? does it really matter that much that i’d have to dwell on the topic?

come to think of it, memories came flooding back my senses which led me to how we were before…

-1 kami sa iilan lang na may telephone sa street namin

-tatlong palapag ang bahay namin compared to our neighbors

-malaki kumita si papa and so we never had a problem with money, cgurado ako may good source of income siya

-lhat kami mgkakapatid nag-aaral sa private chinese school

-may mga tutor pa kami

-meron kami sari-sari store sa ground floor ng bahay namin

-may sasakyan kmi

-every weekends we go out, family get together, tuwing summer may outing, pag may birthdays we dine out

-no debts sa mga kamag-anak, sa mga kaibigan, bumbay, etc

and where and how are we now? 

-patong-patong na utang

-kaliwat-kanan na mga bayarin

-araw-araw na pagtatalo lagi tungkol sa pera

-todong pagtitipid na wala na laman ultimo ref namin

ofcourse the only constant thing in life is change so probably… you can’t be always on top. 

things had to change… okay lang naman.

what else can we do, can i do?

trials are part of life. but then again, although it is not that difficult to bare, i had my moments of crying times and high doubts on faltering hopes on a better life.

quite recently, after a couple of drinks, a friend offered some financial help. i felt really offended but then i stood my ground and tried to joke around.

do i look that pathetic and helpless?

is this the reason why i am not my usual self lately?

or is it because i am still unemployed?

or is it because i feel like i am useless already in our family?

since i graduated from college, i hoped for a better life for my family, at ayokong maging pabigat sa kanila. kung pwde nga lang sila wag na magtrabaho eh.

then i think of my further studies - law… kabaliwan na nga ata eh, okay i am doing quite well, but then again, i am causing my family burden still… financial burden. lalo pa na unemployed ako at palamunin for the past 3 1/2 months. so i really feel useless.

kahit anu pang pilit ko sa sarili ko not to think about these stuff… eto parin ako contemplating endlessly on coming up with a solution.

iniisip ko na nga lang na the only reason that i am jobless until now is because the right job is yet to come. so all i have to do is wait. and i don’t like that waiting period.

waiting is the worst part of everything. it is prolonging my agony.

is it wrong to feel this way?

now, many people tend to say a lot of things in my head, claiming to be authorities… which makes me confused all the more. they are making me feel more down, useless and helpless. eventhough i know they are just concerned.

minsan kasi i want to hear nothing.

spare me your thoughts, spare me your opinions, spare me your judgments.

you need not say anything

it is enough that you are around

and i thank you for that