manifesto of an alcoholic

yes, aminado ako na alcoholic ako at some point, despite my ulcer attacks which almost caused me my life at the age of 21 and annual visits with my doctor if not the emergency room. but still i can’t help but think of alcohol… it’s smell, taste and effect, which could possibly be the reasons others are addicted to it, but for me it’s a totally different situation. it is my choice… my diversion… to make me alive again… and be happy… because something is wrong with me, with my life and everything in between.

i might not be the best drinker in town and believe me i do have my brain dead moments and constant vomitting when my ulcer gets in the way, but i still choose to drink. call me crazy? that might just be the best compliment i’d get.

siguro mana ko sa tatay ko. irita man ako sa kanya tuwing lasing siya uuwi at nangungulit at nang-gigising. tanggap ko narin kung bakit siya umiinom. he can say things he can’t express when he is sober. na-realize ko toh after i graduated from college.

he came home drunk but still sane and conscious i guess then he told me, “i am sorry anak hindi kita mapapag-aral ng law muna.” before than incident, i have been contemplating on the thought of law school and working my way through it and not burden my father. but then he just had to say it. i cried that night. there’s nothing more to say, so i just cried.

another incident of my dad’s drunken moments was when he called a family meeting and asked my shoti (youngest brother) kung ayaw niya na ba talaga mag-aral. shoti was struck unexpectedly but retaliated and answered back that how can he study when he needs more than his tuition fee money with daily allowance ranging from P0.00 to P100.00 per day. oo nga naman, sa Pilipinas kasi education is not just any necessity but rather a luxury. i then promised my shoti i’d give him money for his daily expenses. the next monday, i accompanied him to enrol for that semester.

one incident again was when my kuya was shouting at my mom when my dad arrived drunk. he punched my brother and ordered him to leave our house for disrespecting my mom. he threw his clothes away. ofcourse, my brother ended up staying at our house still but my father talked to him the next day as if nothing happened.

one last incident was just last night. my dad came home drunk again and asked me to serve him dinner. after a few minutes, he came up our room and said “walang pagkain, lagi nalang walang pagkain”. hindi siya magkaintindihan sa pagbalanse sa paglalakad, matapos ay naghubad at nagbihis ng pantulog na damit. aparador lang ng damit ang pag-itan ng higaan nila ni mommy at ang higaan ko. naririnig ko bawat balikwas niya sa kama at pagsipa sa kanya ni mommy na umayos ng higa. bigla niyang sinambit “ano bang problema? isa lang ang point ko, mommy, bukas kailangan ko ng pera.” then he dozed-off to sleep. so much for a peaceful sleep for me.

stories of the past seem to bring back the pain of old wounds.

so what now?!

i am not drinking for quite some time now because i visited the emergency room just last June 22. isipin niyo nalang bumabagyo nun pero sinugod ako sa hospital. napaka pasaway ko talaga. pero hindi ko parin maipangako na titigil na ko sa pag-inom ng alak. siguro dahil narin sa tatay ko. dahil narin sa ayoko talaga.

hindi nga nakakabura at nakakaresulba ng problema ang alak at nagdudulot pa ito ng matinding hangover kinabukasan at mga pagsisisi ng mga kaganapan kinagabihan…

pero masyadong masarap ang alak para igive-up. so wag muna ngayon… let me just enjoy at my own expense ofcourse.