the doubtful thomas

Is it normal for a person to can’t help but doubt oneself when others come to question his actions words or decisions as if you’ve done the worst sin ever worthy of capital punishment or is it just me?

At some point I know I did not do anything wrong. But then again I might just be pulling my own chair.

Of course I know I can’t please everyone no matter how hard I try but how come I can’t stop myself from doubting myself? What happened to believing in myself and being strong?

Many people assume they know things far better than you do that make you feel inferior. Although it is all up to me to convince myself that I did the right thing. I can’t help but admit the fact that I submit to this inferiority complex and insecurity attacks as if I am no better than anyone else. I let my doubt control my entire nervous system. In other words I am the one to blame.

And I alone has the power to change that I am more than what I was before and fighting my own battles in a different perspective has to change somehow. Probably it has something to do with trauma wherein my past experiences have taught me I should have known better and tried harder so I could fit in.

“Why try so hard to fit in… when you were born to stand out?”

Because it is a matter of choice. I choose to be bullied pushed around playing puppet to everyone who dare touch me and my life. Yes all I want to do is to be understood and be loved but there are just some things not meant to be I guess. And I can’t accept changes.

I am guilty I have been living for the longest time in my darkest memories of yesterday. Although memories are all I have to keep me alive some times strength will have to be a personal choice as well.

Besides yesterday is history

Tomorrow is a mystery

And today… today is gift.

I can never hide the truth behind my eyes whenever they sparkle that I am sad offended disappointed and betrayed…that I am happy delighted grateful and thankful.

Many will never get it get me… but there will be a few who will and they are all that I need… to feel confident to be strong and believe in myself… that of things I will do and say I’d be the judge of its worth whether they may be right or wrong it is fine by me… they hell with what others would say. No more doubtful Thomas me.