mission: divide & conquer

Idiots’ Guide in impossible missions :

1. Prepare a script

2. Contain an image of pleasantry, hypocracy, and friendly attitude

3. Wear a mask

4. Tag along fellow masquerade dummies

a battle well fought

admitting one’s mistakes

swallowing one’s pride

compromising one’s principles

stepping down from one’s pedestal 

it’s all a matter of choice

who’s pointing fingers now?

who gets to say the last words?

who’s laughing now?

savor the taste of your own medicine

you are not immortal

noone is

unfamiliar feeling

disappointment is more than just a feeling of sadness. betrayal? maybe…

one thing’s for sure… i feel like i’m not smiling real enough to make other people believe and see that i am okay because truly i am not.

for quite some time… yes, i feel gloomy, guilty as charged.

what’s happening to me?!

finding answers

growing up and seeing plenty of changes go about your feet, one can’t help but be mesmerized and at the same time be devastated. then there will come the question, who is to blame? is there really someone to blame? must there be blaming?

over one ride in a friend’s car just 2 months ago, i can’t help but go back to that question that was addressed to me.

“buti ok lang sayo na well-off kayo dati at hindi na ngayon?”

air has somehow left my ozone layer as i struggled to have my self react and answer back.

eventhough i have not contemplated thoroughly my answer, words has somehow left my mouth, “well that’s life, ok lang.”

is it really ok with me that things had changed in my family’s status in the society? does it really matter that much that i’d have to dwell on the topic?

come to think of it, memories came flooding back my senses which led me to how we were before…

-1 kami sa iilan lang na may telephone sa street namin

-tatlong palapag ang bahay namin compared to our neighbors

-malaki kumita si papa and so we never had a problem with money, cgurado ako may good source of income siya

-lhat kami mgkakapatid nag-aaral sa private chinese school

-may mga tutor pa kami

-meron kami sari-sari store sa ground floor ng bahay namin

-may sasakyan kmi

-every weekends we go out, family get together, tuwing summer may outing, pag may birthdays we dine out

-no debts sa mga kamag-anak, sa mga kaibigan, bumbay, etc

and where and how are we now? 

-patong-patong na utang

-kaliwat-kanan na mga bayarin

-araw-araw na pagtatalo lagi tungkol sa pera

-todong pagtitipid na wala na laman ultimo ref namin

ofcourse the only constant thing in life is change so probably… you can’t be always on top. 

things had to change… okay lang naman.

what else can we do, can i do?

trials are part of life. but then again, although it is not that difficult to bare, i had my moments of crying times and high doubts on faltering hopes on a better life.

quite recently, after a couple of drinks, a friend offered some financial help. i felt really offended but then i stood my ground and tried to joke around.

do i look that pathetic and helpless?

is this the reason why i am not my usual self lately?

or is it because i am still unemployed?

or is it because i feel like i am useless already in our family?

since i graduated from college, i hoped for a better life for my family, at ayokong maging pabigat sa kanila. kung pwde nga lang sila wag na magtrabaho eh.

then i think of my further studies - law… kabaliwan na nga ata eh, okay i am doing quite well, but then again, i am causing my family burden still… financial burden. lalo pa na unemployed ako at palamunin for the past 3 1/2 months. so i really feel useless.

kahit anu pang pilit ko sa sarili ko not to think about these stuff… eto parin ako contemplating endlessly on coming up with a solution.

iniisip ko na nga lang na the only reason that i am jobless until now is because the right job is yet to come. so all i have to do is wait. and i don’t like that waiting period.

waiting is the worst part of everything. it is prolonging my agony.

is it wrong to feel this way?

now, many people tend to say a lot of things in my head, claiming to be authorities… which makes me confused all the more. they are making me feel more down, useless and helpless. eventhough i know they are just concerned.

minsan kasi i want to hear nothing.

spare me your thoughts, spare me your opinions, spare me your judgments.

you need not say anything

it is enough that you are around

and i thank you for that

manifesto of an alcoholic

yes, aminado ako na alcoholic ako at some point, despite my ulcer attacks which almost caused me my life at the age of 21 and annual visits with my doctor if not the emergency room. but still i can’t help but think of alcohol… it’s smell, taste and effect, which could possibly be the reasons others are addicted to it, but for me it’s a totally different situation. it is my choice… my diversion… to make me alive again… and be happy… because something is wrong with me, with my life and everything in between.

i might not be the best drinker in town and believe me i do have my brain dead moments and constant vomitting when my ulcer gets in the way, but i still choose to drink. call me crazy? that might just be the best compliment i’d get.

siguro mana ko sa tatay ko. irita man ako sa kanya tuwing lasing siya uuwi at nangungulit at nang-gigising. tanggap ko narin kung bakit siya umiinom. he can say things he can’t express when he is sober. na-realize ko toh after i graduated from college.

he came home drunk but still sane and conscious i guess then he told me, “i am sorry anak hindi kita mapapag-aral ng law muna.” before than incident, i have been contemplating on the thought of law school and working my way through it and not burden my father. but then he just had to say it. i cried that night. there’s nothing more to say, so i just cried.

another incident of my dad’s drunken moments was when he called a family meeting and asked my shoti (youngest brother) kung ayaw niya na ba talaga mag-aral. shoti was struck unexpectedly but retaliated and answered back that how can he study when he needs more than his tuition fee money with daily allowance ranging from P0.00 to P100.00 per day. oo nga naman, sa Pilipinas kasi education is not just any necessity but rather a luxury. i then promised my shoti i’d give him money for his daily expenses. the next monday, i accompanied him to enrol for that semester.

one incident again was when my kuya was shouting at my mom when my dad arrived drunk. he punched my brother and ordered him to leave our house for disrespecting my mom. he threw his clothes away. ofcourse, my brother ended up staying at our house still but my father talked to him the next day as if nothing happened.

one last incident was just last night. my dad came home drunk again and asked me to serve him dinner. after a few minutes, he came up our room and said “walang pagkain, lagi nalang walang pagkain”. hindi siya magkaintindihan sa pagbalanse sa paglalakad, matapos ay naghubad at nagbihis ng pantulog na damit. aparador lang ng damit ang pag-itan ng higaan nila ni mommy at ang higaan ko. naririnig ko bawat balikwas niya sa kama at pagsipa sa kanya ni mommy na umayos ng higa. bigla niyang sinambit “ano bang problema? isa lang ang point ko, mommy, bukas kailangan ko ng pera.” then he dozed-off to sleep. so much for a peaceful sleep for me.

stories of the past seem to bring back the pain of old wounds.

so what now?!

i am not drinking for quite some time now because i visited the emergency room just last June 22. isipin niyo nalang bumabagyo nun pero sinugod ako sa hospital. napaka pasaway ko talaga. pero hindi ko parin maipangako na titigil na ko sa pag-inom ng alak. siguro dahil narin sa tatay ko. dahil narin sa ayoko talaga.

hindi nga nakakabura at nakakaresulba ng problema ang alak at nagdudulot pa ito ng matinding hangover kinabukasan at mga pagsisisi ng mga kaganapan kinagabihan…

pero masyadong masarap ang alak para igive-up. so wag muna ngayon… let me just enjoy at my own expense ofcourse.

pseudo gods

I always thought there is only one God I’d come to know in this lifetime. Well I thought wrong.

They are not perfect but they package themselves to be perfect.

They assume they can do anything and everything.

They assume to be all-knowing.

They never admit their wrongs.

They find every possible reason for their mistakes.

They choose to blame everyone but themselves.

They see other people inferior of them.

They want other people to submit to them.

They want other people to serve them and drool under their feet  .

They say contradicting points of view

            On the matter of causes and effect

            On the matter of reasons and end-results

            On the matter of what they say aloud and from what they truly mean.

They are plainly difficult to figure out.

They make other people suffer.

They make other people’s lives complicated.

Giving in to their wishes is like dealing with the devil himself.

Meaning – anyone who dares get involved with them will forever lose their game.

Whether or not you come to breach the contract.

You will only be punished more.

And at the end of the day, it remains to be your fault…

that you failed to forbid yourself from choosing your destiny to be with them.

unrequited love… will forever be a curse to us who are martyrs.

I am causing my self pain just the very instant I put into words all reason and feelings of great depth and sorrow of these people I’ve come to love and understand but somehow hate and despise at the same time. I must be crazy. Are we not all?

the doubtful thomas

Is it normal for a person to can’t help but doubt oneself when others come to question his actions words or decisions as if you’ve done the worst sin ever worthy of capital punishment or is it just me?

At some point I know I did not do anything wrong. But then again I might just be pulling my own chair.

Of course I know I can’t please everyone no matter how hard I try but how come I can’t stop myself from doubting myself? What happened to believing in myself and being strong?

Many people assume they know things far better than you do that make you feel inferior. Although it is all up to me to convince myself that I did the right thing. I can’t help but admit the fact that I submit to this inferiority complex and insecurity attacks as if I am no better than anyone else. I let my doubt control my entire nervous system. In other words I am the one to blame.

And I alone has the power to change that I am more than what I was before and fighting my own battles in a different perspective has to change somehow. Probably it has something to do with trauma wherein my past experiences have taught me I should have known better and tried harder so I could fit in.

“Why try so hard to fit in… when you were born to stand out?”

Because it is a matter of choice. I choose to be bullied pushed around playing puppet to everyone who dare touch me and my life. Yes all I want to do is to be understood and be loved but there are just some things not meant to be I guess. And I can’t accept changes.

I am guilty I have been living for the longest time in my darkest memories of yesterday. Although memories are all I have to keep me alive some times strength will have to be a personal choice as well.

Besides yesterday is history

Tomorrow is a mystery

And today… today is gift.

I can never hide the truth behind my eyes whenever they sparkle that I am sad offended disappointed and betrayed…that I am happy delighted grateful and thankful.

Many will never get it get me… but there will be a few who will and they are all that I need… to feel confident to be strong and believe in myself… that of things I will do and say I’d be the judge of its worth whether they may be right or wrong it is fine by me… they hell with what others would say. No more doubtful Thomas me.