a discovery

I never really thought I affect a lot of people in my everyday life. I never really thought what I do is very much appreciated by people. Call me pathetic and pessimistic but I oftentimes think lowly of my self. Major case of inferiority complex… definitely.

Although I like helping other people… serving others… doing good deeds… not because of the good karma it brings and that altruistic feeling of satisfaction but it has just been my way of life. I can’t say I’m always happy with this setup because believe me there are times I’m fed up of my goody-two-shoes self especially when I do it at the expense of my self happiness or self respect and its not so good effect on my health… and it’s more of a burden than a really promising undertaking… I still go on with it. I can’t say I’m playing hypocrite because I truly am absolutely wholeheartedly doing it without hesitation once I commence the very overt act of goodness and service.

But then there are just those times when I feel unappreciated of this good deeds and that when problems seem to pour like rain only on top of my head. I don’t really ask for it, i.e., appreciation or reward, I know I am worth more than a compliment, another thank you or another prize of a good life ahead of me but then I can’t help but feel empty or regretful especially so when I am told and called as an abused-with-my-consent loser.

Then I continuously shrugged off the idea to keep my self sane and alive. This is me. There is more to me than being kind and nice but I don’t have to explain my self. I don’t owe anyone an explanation or justification of why I am like this. Whether I am loved or not I don’t really have to bother my self on thinking what is more than obvious to believe to be real in the first place. It will just be a constant struggle of discovering the unknown.

Then when I least expect the answers to these questions of why I am truly this wonderful person with a heart of gold always in service of others. This is me. I am loved this way like nobody else in the world. I am truly irreplaceable and one in a million gem.

I am loved and appreciated by many and they need not say it to prove it.

I don’t have to ask for help whenever I need one, because help comes without me even asking for it. Take for instance the time our house caught fire… I did not feel pity at all for everyone who offered help whether they be prayers, warm hug, encouraging words or material help. To top it off I got everything. I felt so loved by many…by everyone. I did not feel offended in so far as I’d consider my self as a charity recipient but rather someone who plainly needs all the help I need because I deserve it and there’s no need for payback. It’s not even utang na loob for them nor another act for good karma. It is for me alone… to be loved and taken good care of.

I am not the typical "alagain" kind of person. You can see it in my eyes I can manage on my own. It’s not because I see myself as superior and can do it all but rather I really don’t like bothering other people for my troubles. My thoughts, my feelings, my wants, my needs… it’s all hidden inside of me for everyone else not to see. Not that I am shy because I truly am not but this is just me. I remember one time when my friends and I got together and decided to share our thoughts on each other’s good and bad sides. I was told by all of them…unanimously yes - that coming out too strong and too nice all the time is a bad thing for me when it is supposed to be the other way around. And another thing - I have to say out loud what I feel.

I can’t help but be clueless of who is this person that everyone seems to see.

I am in need of help at times, a warm hug, another pat on the shoulder and that heart welcoming and assuring smile. I don’t ask for it as I feel that I need not ask what I need, because if you truly know me you will know. Selfish as it may sound but there are people who do get it.

Speak less with the people whom you love and care the most… coz if they can’t understand your silence, they can never understand your words.

So I believe I am on the right track here. Although I can’t help but be too blind to see all the blessings already in front of me, it is just my way of breathing in the good with the bad. All I see are the problems… like when I am shown a clean sheet of paper dotted with black ink in the middle and asked thereafter what I see and my answer is the black dot… that is the same for me in real life. It is the same for most of us - we only see what we want to see.

I am too busy whining with my eyes closed when all I have to do is open my eyes. See beyond what is obvious and look underneath the surface. There is a purpose that I am too strong and too nice. I am no fake. I may be misunderstood but I am 100% real. I am loved this way.

It’s like how I’ve always wondered why my company is preferred by my friends even though I have nothing to offer them like I am not worthy of their company and that I can not jive along with their lifestyles. And they say, my company is more than what they want, I am what they need.

I am loved this way.

I am not perfect but I know I am special even if I doubt it most of the times.