Iris

this is dedicated to you know who… and our love story 

and the girl named Iris

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he was my second father

my mentor

my idol

i see my self through him 

like in a two way mirror

i admired him in a lot of ways

loved him in a million ways

he taught me things of great wonder

a blessing of yester years

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now what went wrong and we are apart with bruised hearts?

at first i’ve always had one answer to the question of whether i should stay or not with him. it was always yes and for the same reason - because i am happy with him.

then things changed all of a sudden, i’ve gone very tired of waking up early in the morning, i never ran out of reasons of why i am always late. then i made a list of the advantages and disadvantages of leaving my work, finally…

advantages

i manage my own time

i can work accordingly without any supervision 

not strict in office attire

free food, load, internet, computer access, printing, photocopying, etc

i can advance my salary for emergency use

i am paid in full despite my tardiness & absence

immediate access to law materials

disadvantages

i am always on call to attorney & clients anytime of the day & night

minimum salary

no benefits of sss & philhealth

cannot absent during exams

no overtime pay, holiday pay, etc.

no vacation, sick & emergency leaves

13th month pay not received in full

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i can live with the load of disadvantages because of the most important consideration - my happiness. but now, the happiness is down the drain. when i come to think of it, it started last christmas, i worked my ass like hell expecting my 13th month pay to be paid in full before christmas, but then i did not receive it at all then. it was given to me in installments and was paid in full by january. i was really disappointing because i really needed that money.

but then when i come to think of it, is it all about the money? not really. i’ve been dragging my self painfully waking up every morning to report to office. my daily routinary work has somehow made things not anymore a challenge for everyday adventure but rather a work i’d have to put up with for the sake of a month’s salary. my thirst for new learnings everyday at work somehow reached the bottom of the glass. the sight of my boss staying at the office makes me want the clock to tick at 5pm. it’s only my officemate jojo that makes me want to smile somehow and the non-pesterous clients. what happened to me? don’t i want this kind of living… the real practice…

almost 4 years… i lasted that long… and now i gave up suddenly… does it have something to do with the boss who doesn’t treat me fairly and appreciate me the way i deserve to be appreciated? does it have something to do with the pesterous clients continuously killing me by not complying to their obligations - more particulary financial obligations. do i hate the job already that much to want to leave it permanently?

yes, i am underpaid with too much work… but with all the benefits of the job… i’ve put up with the fact and probably my fate that i was meant to stay for good with my former boss. yes, i do consider my self the practicing non-lawyer who makes my boss’ life a lot easier but which he nonetheless appreciates the least. i’m fed up of his broken promises… no matter how much i want to make things a little bit lighter, he tends to mess things up. he benefits more with the setup whenever i come to tell this story to anyone.

but then again he is the boss… am i demanding and asking too much of him?

my best friend says i do.

for a thousand reasons… nothings seems to make sense anymore

but after the threat of finding another job instead.. he has finally pushed me to the limit and decided for me that it is best for everyone.

para kong nabunutan ng tinik sa dibdib

when i woke up the very first morning of my jobless life… i felt free.

i remember telling him the very first christmas i spent with him,

that i consider him God’s blessing to me and until now i still feel the same.

but when he said that my priorities should just be work & studies… that was my last straw

i can never forget about my family… they are still at the top of my priorities right after God

my family is not doing well and they are asking too much of me

yun ang kulang kay atty, he doesn’t listen… he can very well hear my words but he chooses not to listen… my family needs me… they have spoken the truth and the burden that i must carry now more than anything in this world

it has always been my family before me… until i entered law school

it has now become a competition between them

now my refuge and inspiration has finally requested me to give it up… my dream that is

family versus lawyering

when i come to think of it, i can take everything that’s thrown at my feet… but nothing like this

everything was ok before i came to be wise enough to see the bigger picture of life

what happened to my family

we used to have the least problems in the world but somehow it had piled up now more than ever

now they want me to give up my dreams and plainly provide for them

eversince i entered law school a lot of reasons made me want to question my wanting to become a lawyer and that it is not really for me

right after college - my dad cried apologizing that he can’t send me to lawschool 

my first year in law school at san beda and for 2 years thereafter - i got hospitalized for acute ulcer

after that year - i got kicked out of san beda

i repeated my freshman year in arellano - i lost my innocence

sophomore year in arellano - our house caught fire

now before i enter my junior year in arellano - i lost my job

do i deserve this?

is it already time to give up law school?

i hope not.

not just yet.

never in a thousand years

this is where i belong.

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atty,

you will always be a blessing, but now let me just grow on my own. i wish you well. i am sorry for my shortcomings which caused you major headaches, i’ve been a great pain i know at some point. thank you so much for everything. this is not goodbye.

with love,

iris

P.S. 

I will always remember my interview when I requested to be called as Erica and you refused my heed and used your preference - which is "Iris". 

I never really did appreciate my name Iris… not until i met you.

changes

the only thing that is constant in this world is change.

one minute everything is going so fine and another minute a 360 degrees turn-around. and when things get worst… it just can’t seem to stop from getting even worse. and when you have made plans to work things out… there are just some things which tend to mess up your master plan. now what happens when you are stuck in that world of constant change? of course you would want the easiest way out. but you are alone. what do you do?

the feeling of getting into unexpected mishaps of fate makes my world a living soap opera except there is no camera. i talk to my self endlessly on million dollar questions only who knows can answer. i indulge my self into my thoughts with tears falling down my cheeks and the heaving of my breasts simultaneously. not a wonderful sight if i may add, but it’s how i live.

blaming my self always, i have run out of reasons to keep my self composed and sane. but i know i am sane and a living epitomy of a martyr.

i love unconditionally. i serve bearing sacrifices. i smile when my world is crushing. i hold on to happy thoughts to keep me breathing. i see the good in everyone i meet. i gaze upon the stars with great wonder and hope.

i am happy at some point but not ultimately happy.

i encourage my self on never-ending and nerve-wrecking ideologies and theories. and lastly, i think of God.

but then another thought just crossed my mind. when will my heart stop aching?

i hope not the same time as it stops beating.

i have come to embrace my fate, I am my self for the world to hurt… but ultimately Yours for the taking.