puzzle pieces

January 9, 2008

sino nga ba ang tunay na ako?

madalas ko narin natanong sa sarili ko ang tanong na un. pero hanggang ngayon eh mahirap parin isalin sa mga kataga kung anu nga ba talaga. Tapos naisip ko lang i am maintaining 4 blogs, to wit:

livejournal, friendster, multiply at i.ph

does this mean i also have 4 personalities which comprise the real and whole me?

pwede

livejournal - here eh masyadong personal at emotional ang approach, puro private blogs na available lang sa aking mga mata. yun pinaka feeling ko at that particular moment eh i've come to put into words which really makes me relieved pagkatapos ko magsulat. but which nevertheless makes me still remain in the state of whatever feeling that is pero holding the feeling in a different perspective, a part of me that really confuses me all the same. but which i really treasure kc instead of pagiging masyadong tulala at everything just goes decluttered in my braincells eh ayun kinausap ko lang sarili ko through the medium of writing. eto un thinking aloud moments ni erica.

friendster - eto yun spontaneous me. i get to write what i know, mejo na-enhance ang writing skills ko to the point na meron na pumupuri ng blog entries ko. perfect choice of words at ang flow of thoughts eh amazing. dito eh meron ng mga unidentified persons na laging involved sa buhay ko. ang hirap nga lang eh dapat matago sila in such a way na hindi obvious. ang hirap na meron magfeeling. haha. eto un wholesome din dahil my friends get to read it, so dapat safe. haha

multiply - wala akong maisip panu ba ang dapat kong approach dito at sa totoo lang eh i only made the account dahil sa business. pero ngayon eh alam ko na ang dapat kong gawin dito. i'll maintain this as my buhay paralegal. puro cliente namin at mga kaso sa opisina. haha what happened to atty-client privileged communication, well, legal questions naman. eto un ang hirap ko idetermine panu gagawin sa pleadings. kasi naman discretion ko na talaga ang pag-gawa ng pleadings sa office namin. ako un practicing non-lawyer, kulang nalang sakin eh roll of attorney tlga. formality nlng ang pag enter ko sa lawschool, i am already living the life of a lawyer, without ofcourse the luxury of attorney's fees in cash. puro food ang gifts skn ng clients namin eh. hehe no wonder d ako pumapayat.

i.ph - dito eh un journalist-poet-storywriter side of me. enhancing my writing skills on whatever topic na pwde. feelings, thoughts, people, events - kung anuman pwde.

finally, may theme na ang mga blogs ko.

for the full entry just click here

 

love virus no.1

I never really thought i’d understand the male and female specie in one lifetime specially this one that i have now. But then again i am still breathing aren’t I, so I do have my entire lifespan to make the best out of me getting to know, understand, love and probably hate and ultimately co-exist with these testosterone filled living creatures.

meet the bulates:

he can be handsome, cute and adorable

he can be a real gentleman, friendly and easy to get along with

he can be smart and down-to-earth 

he can be funny and witty

he can be a best friend material or a boy-next-door kind of guy

he has the ability to show that femininity inside of him 

and he is single and definitely a straight guy and not gay

what else is there not to like about him

the thing is he is more than torpe

he is a bulate

she can be gorgeous, cute and adorable

she can be a real head-turner, friendly and easy to get along with

she can be smart and down-to-earth 

she can be funny and witty

she can be a best friend material or a girl-next-door kind of gal

she has the ability to show that masculinity inside of her 

and she is single and definitely a straight girl and not lesbian

what else is there not to like about her

the thing is she is not ligawin like there’s an “off-limits signboard” on her forehead

she is a bulate 

he and she shows their feelings indirectly and very inconsistently

- women knows better than to read between the lines, assume a lot and be conceited

- men knows better than to reason out that they are just being normally nice as that is how they are

when the male bulate likes and adores a certain girl

he remains silent but always around

he speaks to no one about what’s the deal between the two of them

he hides the truth if not bends it

one hint of discouragement or rejection

they’d forever play it safe

and never admit their true feelings

and deep inside he’s hurt

and the female somehow adopted the male bulate’s actions

he became a habit and routine she can’t escape

played along acting all out bulate even if she’s not

she remains silent

accepts whatever’s thrown at her feet

but never really managed to control her thoughts and emotions

she is unstable for being insecure

one hint that the male bulate plays cassanova

they’d be blinded and become martyrs

chooses not to tell anyone

for being shy and afraid of a truth in her eyes are in fact all lies

bleeding and breaking down into pieces inside

but smiles as if she rules the world and loves her rockin’ life

and then they try to be indifferent towards each other

with every look

every touch

every smell

every moment

every mention of the other bulate’s name

they stumble and stutter

they themselves cannot even decipher which is the real them anymore

and which of their actions are result of their true feelings and not just another justification of a nice deed for a very good and/or dear friend but not a girlfriend/boyfriend

because as the girl returns the affection and attention

it is as good as they were “it” - a couple with mutual understanding

but not so everybody knows

and not so they both confirm and admit to themselves

beating around the bush, the bulate does not demand his/her wants and needs

what they do is submit him/herself to the extent that he/she’d make the other person feel to owe them the same submission

there is an unwritten commitment

a never-ending pakiramdaman

oftentimes they understand the other’s thoughts and feelings

as they assume they do and obviously true - - well, in their world

but still they don’t talk about it

they are both enclosed in a fantasy world only they can understand

as if nobody else exists

but then there is no security

all because there is no formality

clueless 

how it all began

who made the first move

when was it final

and with a tear drop

over a petty misunderstanding

over bruised egos versus self-respect versus love versus survival

questions and ranting of the cruel world begin to shake their enclosed world

the male bulate takes a seatback

and denies everything had meaning

same with the female

she accepts what other people think and everything else that pollutes her mind

and denies everything was real

that there was something

and the battle begins

he is hurt

and she is hurt

then they never talked and hanged out just as they did before

a relationship doomed from the beginning

now they live two separate lives

with an untold story only the two of them know

an untold story without an ending

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i am not really an authority in the male and likewise the female specie.. i just happen to know two people who used to be two bulates… well actually they remain to be still at present…