please smile with me

no matter how much i try, it will never be good enough.

i feel i committed the biggest mistake of my life. i enrolled this semester using my own funds, my advanced salary. only to find out thereafter that my shoti won’t be able to enroll. if only i can turn back time i would - i’d have my shoti enroll first. i even asked papa if i can go on with the enrolment and he said - “yes”. how was i supposed to know that it was not “okay”?!

hindi ka marunong mag-isip, palibhasa iniisip mo lang sarili mo… 

words don’t have power over you… unless the person who said them means a lot to you… 

it was just too easy for you to say hurtful words. i know you are in pain. i know we are all suffering. but you don’t have to be too hard on me nor on your self. kung may magagawa ako don’t i always make a way and make things a little easier for you and for everyone. don’t make things worse, you are making it all more difficult for everyone to bear. we have survived for the longest time and we will surely survive this time. makakapag-enroll si shoti, i would bet my life on that.

no one can truly understand how i feel…

being sympathetic is different with being emphatic. people can always claim that “they understand you and what you are going through” but they just don’t know how it truly feels. each and everyone of us have our own troubles and trials to face and not one of those are identical, thus, incomparable. not that i hate it when people tell you that those words. i do appreciate those words one way and another but then again at the end of the day i feel i am alone on this still - “other people cannot solve your problems for you, only you can”. and that is what hurts the most, it is just too much to bear. and/but for me, i still choose not to share, not that i am better of without help but only to save me another “alalahanin” and for those people (family & friends only considered), i am saving them additional burden. they too have their own worries and mishaps; and my story can always mess up their minds and even life. i know they are the judge of that but then again it remains to be my life.

ang daling sabihin na “smiling always starts the healing”. i know it’s just too easy to smile. i am like that. but each smile i extend holds a thousand meanings, a thousand stories. so don’t ever judge me, try not to assume a lot.

 i am hurt by your stares… your whispering. you don’t know a thing.

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i may say that i’m just ok

i may smile all through the way

i may laugh as if i’m not worrying

i may talk a lot as if i know what i’m saying

but should you get to see what’s realy inside of me

why i try to be funny and crazy

please don’t ask why

just please smile with me

that is all i ask of you

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i like it when i see people exchanging laughs, going crazy and simply enjoying themselves, together, just happy together and having the time of their life as if everything is ok. seeing those smiles, those moments make me feel good inside. don’t be mistaken that considering i’m just watching from afar and quiet, i am not enjoying because in truth i am. i have been told a number of times that when i am quiet they sense that there’s always something wrong and that they should be sharing my moment of silence and sorrow. the very words were “masyado mong pinaparamdam na hindi ka ok na dapat kami rin dapat ganun“. that is what’s wrong with me, i have this standard ME, someone who’s always smiling, magulo, masayahin, at madaldal. and in a world where everyone is prejudice, i have no right to show a different side of me. i know i have never been angry but being sad that’s a different story.

when you smile when i’m gloomy, you make my day. your smile, time and presence, that’s all i ask of you. don’t mind me watching as if staring and wishing you all be sad just like me, you are mistaken. you make me happy that way as if it washes all the sadness and worries i have. i really appreciate those times. i will be okay, everything will be ok.

I am my self for the world to hurt… but ultimately Yours for the taking, my Lord God.

The world may be cruel but i choose not to be and that is all because of You.

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I am sorry.

please do accept my apologies. i know i cannot force you. remedy nalang siguro eh please hear out my sorry. alam ko wala akong kasalanan. ayoko rin na you’d feel guilty. but that’s how i felt and that’s what i am sorry for… for feeling i had anything to with it kahit na wala. try to understand me, well i know you do understand me, ang selfish ko ba, kaw na nga problemado dinagdagan ko pa, now you feel guilty. oh i feel so awful. until now. i’d have to change this side of me. i am not at fault and still i say sorry. this would probably be an awakening for me to change my ways. and for others to finally take me seriously. well i know im taken seriously by my true friends but then again i do have a problem on some situations which calls for who are to blame… am i at fault… do i have to say sorry… iba na talaga ngayon i need to grow up…