para sa bawat Pilipino

PILIPINO BASAHIN MO ITO (author unknown)

Sabi MO , ang gobyerno natin ay palpak.

Sabi MO , ang mga batas natin ay sinauna.

Sabi MO , ang lokal na pamahalaan natin ay hindi
maganda ang pagkolekta ng basura at ang paglilinis ng
mga lugar.

Sabi MO , hindi gumagana ang mga telepono, katatawanan
ang kalagayan ng trapiko, at hindi nakakarating sa
paroroonan ang mga sulat.

Sabi MO , parang nasadlak sa basura ang ating buong
bansa.

Sabi Mo , sabi MO, sabi MO.

E ano’ng ginagawa mo tungkol dito?

Kumuha ka ng isang taong papunta sa Singapore . Bigyan
mo sya ng pangalan, yung sa IYO. Bigyan MO sya ng
mukha, yung sa IYO. Lumabas KA sa airport nang
pinakamatino mong sarili na maipagmamalaki sa mundo..

Sa Singapore Hindi KA nagtatapon ng upos ng sigarilyo
sa kalye. Ipinagmamalaki MO ang magaganda nilang
underpass. Nagbabayad KA ng mga 60 pesos para
makapagmaneho sa Orchard Road (parang EDSA) mula alas
5 hanggang alas 8 ng gabi. Bumalik KA sa parking lot
para bayaran ang parking tiket mo kung napasobra ka ng

oras sa shopping o sa pagkain sa isang restaurant. Sa
Singapore , wala KAng sinasabi, meron ba?

Hindi MO susubukang kumain sa lantad kapag Ramadan sa
Dubai . Hindi MO susubukang lumabas ng bahay na walang
takip ang mukha sa Jeddah.
Hindi MO susubukang lagyan ang isang empleyado ng
kumpanya ng telepono sa London para mapunta sa ibang
tao ang mga long distance na tawag mo.

Hindi MO susubukang lumampas ng 90 kilometers per hour
sa Washington, at saka sasabihin sa pulis “Alam mo
kung sino ako?”

Bakit di MO subukang dumura o magtapon ng upos ng
sigarilyo o balat ng kendi sa mga kalye sa Tokyo ?

Bakit hindi MO subukang bumili ng pekeng mga papeles
sa Boston tulad ng ginagawa sa Recto?

Pinag-uusapan pa rin natin IKAW.

IKAW na gumagalang at sumusunod sa patakarang banyaga
sa ibang bansa pero hindi makasunod sa sarili mong
lugar.

IKAW na tapon ng tapon sa kalye pagtuntong mo pa lang
sa lupa.

Kung IKAW ay nakikisalamuha at pumupuri ng systema sa
bansang banyaga, bakit hindi KA maging ganyan sa
Pilipinas?

Minsan sa isang panayam, ang dating Subic
Administrator na si Gordon ay may katwiran ng sinabi
nyang “Ang mga aso ng mayayaman ay pinalalakad at
pinadudumi ng may-ari sa kalye, tapos sila mismo ang
pumupuna sa may katungkulan sa kapalpakan sa
paglilinis ng mga kalye. Ano ang gusto nilang gawin ng
mga may katungkulan? Magwalis tuwing makakaramdam ng
hindi maganda sa tiyan ang kanilang alaga?”

Sa America , bawat may-ari ng alaga ay dapat maglinis
matapos ang pagdumi ng aso. Ganuon din sa Japan .

Gagawin ba ng mga Pilipino yun dito? Tama sya.

Pumupunta tayo sa botohan para pumili ng gobyerno at
pagkatapos nuon ay tinatanggal na natin sa sarili ang
responsibilidad. Uupo tayo sa isang tabi at
paghihintay ng pagkalinga at umaasa na gagawin ng
gobyerno ang lahat habang wala tayong iniaalay.

Umaasa tayo sa pamahalaan na maglinis, ngunit hindi
naman tayo titigil sa pagtatapon ng basura sa kung
saan-saan, at ni hindi tayo pupulot ng anumang piraso
ng papel para itapon sa basurahan.

Pagdating sa mga panlipunang talakayin tulad nang
hindi pagiging tapat sa kasal, sa mga dalagang ina, sa
pagtatalik ng walang basbas ng kasal, at iba pa,
maingay tayong nagpoprotesta ngunit patuloy naman
nating ginagawa ang mga ito.

Sa sandaling tayo ay mangulila kapag nasa labas tayo
ng bansa, naghahanap tayo ng aliw sa iba, kadalasan sa
kapwa rin natin Pilipino, na hindi natin iniisip ang
ating katungkulan na ating sinumpaan sa ating pamilya
nuong narito pa tayo.

Tapos sinisisi natin ang pamahalaan kapag nakikita
natin ang karahasan sa kabataan, pagkagumon sa bawal
na gamot, at iba pa, samantalang sinimulan natin ito
sa hindi pagpansin sa pangangailangan ng ating mga
anak ng tunay na pag-gabay at responsibilidad ng isang
magulang.

Ang sabi natin, “Ang buong sistema ang kailangang
magbago. Ano ang magagawa kung ako lang ang
magpapabago sa aking pamilya?”

E sino ang magbabago ng sistema?

Ano ba ang mga sankap ng sistema? Napakaginhawa sa
atin na ang sistema ay binubuo ng ating mga
kapitbahay, mga ibang tahanan, ibang syudad, ibang
komunidad, at ang pamahalaan. Pero hindi kasama IKAW
at AKO. Pagdating sa ating pagkakaroon ng positibong
handog sa sistema, ikinakandado natin ang sarili, pati

na ang ating pamilya sa loob ng isang ligtas na pugad
at tumatanaw na lang tayo sa malayong mga lugar at
bansa at naghihintay ng isang Mr. Clean na dumating at
maghatid na mga himala.

O lumilikas tayo. Parang mga tamad na duwag na hindi
pinatatahimik ng ating mga takot, tumatakbo tayo sa
Amerika upang makisalo sa kanilang luwalhati at
purihin sa kanilang sistema. Pero pag naging
masalimuot sa New York tatakbo tayo sa Japan o
Hongkong. Pag nagkahirapan ang paghanap ng trabaho sa
Hongkong, sakay agad tayo sa susunod na eroplano
patungong Gitnang Silangan. Pag may digmaan sa Gulf,
inaasahan nating masagip at mapauwi ng Gobyernong
Pilipino.

Lahat ay handang umabuso at gumahasa sa bansa. Walang
nag-iisip na handugan ang sistema. Ang konsyensya
natin ay nakasanla sa pera. Mga mahal kong kababayan,
ang sulating ito ay matinding nakakakislot ng isipan,
nangangailangan ng maraming pagmumuni-muni, at
tumutusok din sa konsyensya. Medyo inuulit ko lang
ayon sa ating salita ang mga salita ni John
.F.Kennedy sa kanyang kabansa upang maitugma sa ating
mga Pilipino:

“Itanong natin kung ano ang magagawa natin sa ating
bansang Pilipinas at gawin ang nararapat upang ang
Pilipinas ay maging tulad ng Amerika at ibang
kanlurang bansa ngayon.”

Gawin natin kung ano ang kailangan ng Pilipinas sa
atin. Ipasa ito sa lahat ng Pilipino.

What we do does not define us but it is how we rise after falling that is. - from the movie Maid in Manhattan.

It is never too late for every Filipino to make a difference in their lives for the betterment of this country. Despite all our flaws and mishaps, Filipinos were born to stand out not among the stars but rather for the entire galaxy to be truly blessed to have us around. We are proud to be called Filipinos, from the color of our skin, the size of our eyes and the intellect that we have which are all praised and appreciated by a lot of foreigners but which we ourselves nonetheless take for granted. Discrimination and double standards does not always start from other people, oftentimes it begins within us. It all boils down to starting within ourselves, our immediate crowds and circle of lovedones that we make a difference, a step closer to making the big change.

the funny and friendly me

You are Chandler. You're funny and that's why people like to have you around. You're also a great friend, and when someone you care about is in trouble, they know to come to you for some level-headed advice followed by some sharp sarcasm.

i can't totally agree though, they say i'm the serious and moody type who never crack jokes although i do enjoy the company of people with a great sense of humor, all i do is give that typical smiling face who looks so dumb dahil late reaction or you can say no reaction or sadyang stupid at hindi makuha un joke. But what can i say I am truly lovable like this.

On being a great friend, eto tried and tested na. I'd die for a friend for a thousand times if I could. Then I never really thought I'm appreciated because I don't usually get the same in return from them. Oh well I never did ask for help anyway, what do I have to expect. And then the wrost tragedy came and everyone I needed came without me asking for them. I felt so loved, so cared for, so important and ultimately blessed. You indeed reap what you sow.

rainbow

After seeing Edgar in the flesh last night, I had my mind set for a great time pushing my brain to its limit. But then having dinner alone in my favorite 24-hr fast food chain Burger King has somehow lured my interest towards a different direction. I kept on staring at the newspaper rack; it was just transferred beside the door for me to see it. I am not the typical newspaper reader, I usually go for the cartoon page first and that’s only during Sundays when I get to hangout with my dad. But when I feel like it, I can actually read them from cover to cover.

Read anything from this rack but remember to put them back.

I can’t seem to take my eyes off the rack. I stood up and got my self Philippine Star at first but won’t let me so I got hold of Philippine Daily Inquirer instead. Finally, i said.

Front Page Headline - "Batasan Bombed" read the article and got pissed with JDV saying "It’s a terrorists doing definitely trying to destabilize the government." I uttered, "bullshit!"

I turned at the last page instead and started to appreciate the newspaper once again. After a few pages, one article got to my senses. I got hold of my yellow paper and wrote:

I want you to remember, there are compensations in life. There always are, or we wouldn’t go on living. You don’t feel well, now; neither do I. But something will happen to fix that. Do you believe that?" - said Ann Taylor in A Story of Love by Ray Bradbury 

The columnist talked of wishing for an early death, which was really the perfect line to capture the reader’s eye. To read more check out 2BU! Face your fears: A Story of Loss by Bianca Consunji, Philippine Daily Inquirer, November 14, 2007 issue.

With everything that has happened and is happening, I never did wish for death to come my way. In fact I always wish the opposite - "not my family… not now… I need them."

I am not the perfect daughter and the ideal sister but I know I am a good daughter and a loving sister. I may act differently towards my each family member but my love for them is one and the same thing, that which is pure and true. When they are in pain, I hurt more. thus, makes me pray always that it’s better I carry the burden instead of them because I know I can handle it more lightly. Death was never ever wished for. Not that I am afraid of what lies after death but leaving my family behind is an act of cowardice.

I had another confirmation… an answer to my prayers. I need not be afraid. As the author Bianca Consunji wrote,

I will never stop fearing loss, but the promise of other things - of rosy dreams painted in the sky - has since eclipsed that. 

I couldn’t agree more. Everything that happens indeed comes with a prize.

To end this, let me share excerpts from the lyrics of Southborder in one of its popular hits, Rainbow:

Take a little time baby
See the butterflies colors
Listen to the birds that were sent
To sing for me and you
Can you feel me
This is such a wonderful place to be

Even if there is pain now
Everything will be alright
For as long as the world still turns
There will be night and day
Can you hear me
There’s a rainbow always after the rain

life is beautiful

 January 22nd, 2007 at 9:59 am

Dealing with difficulties

Posted by jns in Reflections on Life

For as long as we breathe, we will never be spared of human difficulties, troubles and pains along the way. Life is a constant struggle. 

Some of our problems are innate, while others just occur without any rational explanation as if we are doomed by fate. But many of our predicaments are actually the result of our erroneous disposition, miscalculations and human frailties.

Some take even the slightest difficulty with a very heavy heart as if it’s the end of the world. Others who are put in a graver and more serious situation take them with a pittance. Ironically, many times our own reaction to our personal difficulties becomes the root of even bigger and deeper difficulties.

During our trying times, it is always best to accept things or situations as they are, first and foremost. If the solution to our problems is within our control, by all means, let’s do our best and put consistent efforts to resolve them. Otherwise or if our best is not enough, let us not forget to live in the thought that nature or fate have always the means of resolving them sooner or later.

Don’t despair. Instead, let us always appreciate what we have and not, what we do not have. Let us count our blessings and be thankful for them because I am pretty sure that there will always be another person whose situation is much more pitiful, unbearable and unfortunate than us, and yet continues to have the fortitude and faith to move on with life. Think about them. Gain inspiration and derive strength from them.

Take every problem as challenge to our human existence because this is what makes life beautiful and meaningful, especially when it is time for us, or others, to reminisce, or even laugh at, what we have been through. But if we opt to fall into the trap and the attitude of defeat and surrender, it is almost certain that we will be buried in oblivion as we dig our own graves.

Our Creator did not promise us a rose garden on earth. All He has given us are our options.

source: http://soriano-ph.com/archives/category/thoughts/

For me who has been troubling my self for the past few days on facing life's difficulties, and even having written my thoughts on the matter, i came across this entry of Atty. Jaime Soriano, too bad i didn't get to make it in his class. Anyhow, his entry is really very inspiring.

For someone who is still young like me, I know I have more time to make things better for my family and I am not losing hope that easily. I may seem broken at times but at the end of the day I know I am strong and will make it through, God will make a way, and everything will be alright. I still believe that everything that comes to our lives are blessings in a variety of disguises, for us to learn, grow and be thankful. I know I am.

I remember writing an essay in our religion class back in DLSU about the movie "Life is Beautiful". It was set during Hitler's reign, a foreign language was used and we get to read only the subtitles, or was it dubbed I am not sure anymore. All that I can recall was that men were caught and Jews were assassinated, separated from their families. The male protagonist had to hide his kid from the authorities who have captured him. He cannot dare tell his son that there is war and people are dying. He only told his son that they are playing a game. The child was all excited. Amidst all the war and killing, the child was able to see it all differently, i.e., life is beautiful. It made me cry. Our nun professor assigned us to write an essay on "why life is beautiful". I got a 100% grade and I was really happy about it but not as ecstatic as I was writing the essay.

I can't somehow recall the very words I put into that essay but one great thought remains to sum it up, that amidst all suffering and difficulties, when you see life through the eyes of a child, you will see that life is beautiful.

So when I am truly down and depressed, crying or not, but breaking apart inside, I remember my childhood. What makes me smile and laugh as a kid. What makes all the children in this world happy. Simple things that adults take for granted or consider stupid but make them smile anyhow. Then I get to appreciate life once again and smile with my head held high.

pera pera

why do people worry about money?

All because financial problems are part of every household, well for most of us, i guess.

Pero bakit kailangan problemahin ang pera eh di naman nito pinoproblema ang tao? kung baga para lang yan one sided love or unreciprocated love, minamahal mo ang isang tao hindi ka mahal at kailanman hindi mamahalin. kailangan talaga may analogy sa love eh noh.

pero totoo naman hindi ba labis ng tao pinoproblema ang pera kaya halos mundo na nila ito. hindi man tama sa tingin ng marami pero yan ang riyalidad na hindi na mawawala sa bawat tao na naghihirap. hindi man importante ang pera para mabuhay, pero kailangan mo to para mabuhay. hindi naman sa pagiging masyadong materialistic at makamundo, pero ang paghihirap ng tao hindi natin dapat maliitin. wala ka sa siwasyon nila. kumusta naman ang poverty rate dito sa PIlipinas, unemployment and underemployment rates, pati na illiteracy rate.

lahat ng material na bagay may katumbas na pera, at pati tao nabibili narin ng pera. pilit man natin ipagkaila, ito ang nangyayari sa totoong buhay.

ang hindi ko lang maintindihan sa mundo, lalong ginigipit ang mahihirap sa takbo ng panahon ngayon, at maging yun mga tama lang ang estado sa buhay eh napabilang na sa class C & D.

yun ang katotohanan at riyalidad, mahirap na ang buhay ngayon. paano nasasabi ng gobyerno na ang bansa ay umuunlad kung dumarami ang taong naghihirap?

ang sarap isampal sa kanila ang mga bayarin ng mga taong isang kahig isang tuka, araw-araw.. buwan-buwan hindi na malaman kung saan pupulot ng pera para makaraos. ang mga bata hihinto na sa pag-aaral, palalayasin na kayo sa bahay na nirerentahan dahil matagal na kayong hindi nakakabayad, may na-ospital pa at may namatay. minsan talaga eh himala nalang ang dahilan at nagagawang magtiis at napapagkasya kahit papaano ang mga pinagkakitaan sa labis na mga dapat bayaran.  at siyempre nagagawa parin ngumiti at tumawa sa kabila ng lahat na paghihirap at labis na mga problema na nagkakapatong-patong pa.

sasabihin ng iba "magsumikap ka nang umasenso".

parang sinabi narin nila na wala kang ginagawa. pero meron naman kung tutuusin.

ewan ko ba pero naniniwala na talaga ko sa tadhana at pagkakataon na may mga bagay na sadyang mangyayari at sayo lamang mangyayari, maging masama man o mabuti. minsan wala na sa kamay mo ang pagsasakatuparan ng lahat ng iyong mga pangarap. dahil ito sa hindi ka nag-iisa sa mundo. kahit saan ka magpunta marami kang kakumpetensya, marami kang dapat pakibagayan at pasayahin at pagsilbihan.

at sadyang malupit ang mga tao, pagkakataon at panahon. dahil kung kailan akala mo magiging maayos na ang lahat ay nagkakamali ka pala, nasa harapan mo na ang unos at lalamunin ka na ng mga alon.. ayan na at nalulunod ka na, palubog ng palubog. sinubukan mong lumangoy pero nasa gitna ka ng karagatan at walang lupa na natatanaw. pero patuloy ka parin sa paglangoy. pero pagod ka na, nagugutom at inaantok. nagpaanod ka nalang at nagdasal ng mataimtim sa Diyos na sana panaginip lang lahat at malapit ka nang magising.

Hindi ko sinasabing wala nang pag-asa sa buhay. Pero ang akin lang eh wag sanang baliwalain ang mga taong ganito ang dinaranas. Hindi mo na nga tinutulungan, kinukutya mo pa at mas pinapahirapan… kulang nalang eh patayin mo na nga… pero sa totoo lang pinatay mo na sila, matagal na…

pamula nung hindi ka nag-aral ng mabuti at bumagsak ng paulit-ulit sa mga pribadong eskwelahan na pinasukan mo, pamula ng sinira at tinapon mo lahat ng laruan mo, pamula nang maltratuhin mo ang katulong nyo, pamula nung binangga mo yung kotseng binili ng tatay mo, pamula nung nalulong ka sa sugal, alak, bawal na gamot at babae, pamula ng binayaran mo ang kalayaan ng anak mong may kasalanan, pamula ng binawian mo ng buhay ang asawa mo, pamula ng tumakbo ka sa kongreso, pamula ng ginamit mo ang kaban ng bayan pambili ng mga ari-arian ng mga kapamilya at kaibigan mo, pamula ng ipa-ambush mo yun kalaban mo sa pulitika, at pamula ng ipinagpagawa ka ng rebulto at eskwelahan na naka-pangalan sayo…

Sabihin man natin na maraming taong abusado na umaasa sa iba, huwag sana natin lahatin. Kung tutuusin hindi naman humihingi ng tulong sayo. Anu ba naman yun pakinggan mo at damayan mo? Kung tulungan mo man, huwag na sana maraming sinasabi. Ang baba na ng tingin nun tao sa sarili niya eh dinagdagan mo pa at pagmamalakihan at pagsasabihan at gugustuhing pang patakbuhin ang buhay niya. Ni hindi na nga niya magawang tumingin sa salamin eh. Mangyayari lang niyan eh isa na namang "utang na loob". Utang na loob na panghabangbuhay pagbabayaran. Buhay ang kapalit, sa kakarampot na halaga, sa kakarampot na panahon, sa kakarampot na tulong… Kaya nga bang tunay na hindi dapat umasa sa iba.  

Dahil sa bawat paglubog ng araw, sarili mo nalang talaga ang natitirang maaasahan mong magmamahal sayo ng totoo. Hindi kapamilya, hindi kaibigan, hindi estranghero.

Eh hindi mo naman kailangan ng tao sa mga panahon na ganito, kung hindi Diyos.

buhay paro-paro

for every problem there is an equivalent solution…

kay daling sabihin pero minsan ang hirap tanggapin at gawin. I used to have instant solutions to all life's problems, well for most of the times. And if I don't, I knew God always makes a way to make my life a lot less difficult. But as time goes by problems became more than extra-ordinarily complicated and complex, and not only that, they come in bulks, leaving you more things to think about with limited time. No room for whining because of time constraint. No 10 minute break to breathe in breathe out just to compose oneself. You just got to think fast and make something out of the situation at hand.

Kung ang problema ng buhay parang petition for review lang sa court of appeals, submitted for decision na sigurado ang kaso ko by now. Kaya nga lang, hindi nga eto kaso sa husgado. hindi pa umaabot dun. 

————————————————————————- 

madalas nanaman siyang tulala

nag-iisip ng kung ano-ano

minsan ngingiti parang baliw sa sulok

tubig ay alak

madalas nangangarap

nagtatanong 

kailan

paano

magbabago ang ikot ng buhay niya

sana talaga

maliwanagan na ang mundo

nang gumaan-gaan ang pakiramdam niya

at sadyang pinagpapala nga naman siya

dahil bilog ang mundo

at may Diyos na tinatawag

hindi siya nangungulila 

hindi siya pinapabayaan 

mula noon hanggang ngayon

kahit anong unos

nakakaraos siya kahit papaano

been there done that…

kapag ginulo ka ng pag ibig

(posted from another source)

Marami kang iniisip, naiisip at gustong isipin. Pero mas gusto mong malaman ng lahat ng tao ang lahat ng kabangagan mo. Wala lang. Magpapansin. Umasang may mag-rereply sa senseless thoughts mo. Mag-advice. Magsabing, “Oo.. naiintindihan kita..”

Pero ayos lang sayo kahit di nila basahin to. Bakit pa? Sino ka ba? Nakakadiri. Ayaw mong tuksuhin ka nilang, “yuck!! Ang mushy mo pala!!”

Sa lahat ng kaibigan mong humihingi ng advice tungkol sa pag-ibig, ang sinasabi mo lang palagi, “Tange, kalimutan mo na lang yang nararamdaman mo. Korni mo e. Ang OA mo pa. Guguluhin lang nyan buhay mo.”

Ang sasabihin pa nila sayo, “Talaga? Buti ka pa, wala kang lovelife. Di ka stressed. Di ka kinakabahan palagi –”"At di ako mukhang tanga.”May na-offend ka na naman.

Pero pakialam mo ba sa kanila? Totoo naman a.Tapos bigla mong mare-realize, may problema ka na rin pala.

Hayop talaga. Gusto mong sumigaw. Bakit may nanggugulo na rin ng buhay mo ngayon?

ng dami mong crush, grabe. Yung isang classmate mo sa Math17, isa sa Hum1, dalawa sa Geog1, dalawa sa PE2, isa sa Math100 at isa sa Chem16. Si Mike Bravo ng Maroons, si George Chia ng Blue Eagles, si Kogore ng Shohoku. Si Dao Ming Shi at si Mei Zhuo ng F4. Si Enrique Iglesias. Si Legolas. Si Ron Weasley.

Sixteen. Imagine?Pero di naman nila ginugulo ang buhay mo.Ayos lang di ba?

Kaso may isang taong di mo maintindihan kung bakit kahit anong gawin mo, talagang ginugulo pa rin niya yung buhay mo. Para siyang mangkukulam. Kahit saan nakikita mo siya.

Inalis mo na noon yung pangalan nya sa phone mo. Kaso sinulat mo pa rin yung number nya sa diary mo. Engot ka talaga. Tapos nilagay mo ulit sa cell mo. Tapos inalis mo ulit kase nainis ka. Naihagis mo pa nga sa kama mo yung phone mo e. Tapos naisip mo wala rin namang epekto kung nasa cell mo siya o wala. kaya nilagay mo na lang ulit.Tapos binura mo na talaga ngayon.

Panahon na para kalimutan na talaga sya — naiisip mo.Okay na? Hinde. Mas malala.Na-memorize mo na kase yung number nya. Tsk tsk tsk.

Naaawa ka na talaga sa sarili mo.Naiinis ka pa kapag sinasabi sayo ng mga kaibigan mo, “Nakita ko sha sa A.S. kanina.” Asar na asar ka. Sabay sigaw with matching facial expression, “PAKEELAM KO?”At magtatanong sila ng isang tanong na matagal mo nang hinihintay na sagutin sa harap ng maraming tao: à “Baket? Ayaw mo na ba sa kanya?”

Tatahimik ka muna. Parang si Lei sa harap ni Tang Chin. Magbubuntung-hininga. Tititigan silang lahat na naghihintay ng sagot mo.Biglang magkakaron ng split personality disorder, ngingiti at magsasalita: “Sino yon?”Nagandahan ka sa ginawa mo. Effective. Wow, para talagang di na nya kilala.

Biglang makikita mo siya. Ayun. Mabubuwisit ka talaga. Maaalala mo yung mga panahong pinagmukha ka niyang tanga. Yung panahong kailangan mo siya. Yung panahong iniwan ka nya sa ere. Yung panahong tinalikuran ka nya. Masisira ang araw mo. Wala ka sa mood makipagtawanan. Sisigawan mo ang kaibigan mong natapakan ang white rubber shoes mo. Gugustuhin mong balatan ng buhay ang lahat ng taong nagtatanong kung bakit ka wala sa mood. Hihilingin mong mong makapag-teleport ka papuntang Egypt.

At bigla mong maririnig ang isa sa mga kaibigan mo, “Ganyan talaga pag in-love.” May background pang mga palihim na tawa. At sabay-sabay silang kakanta ng — Why do birds suddenly appear.Di ka makakapagsalita. Mararamdaman mong umiinit yung tenga mo, yung leeg mo, yung mukha mo. Bigla mong maiisip ang pinakaepektibong palusot, ngingiti at magsasalita, “Sino yon?”Ayos na sana, kaso di mo naisip na mali yung statement mo. At bago mo pa mabawi ang sinabi mo, sasabihin na nila, “Baket? Me sinabe bang pangalan??? Yak!! Halata!!!”Feeling mo masusunog na sa init yung mukha mo.

Kahit anong pilit mong kalimutan siya, mabilis talagang kumalat ang balita. Minsan naglalakad ka. May masasalubong kang dalawang taong di mo kilala. Magbubulungan sila. Titingnan ka, mula ulo hanggang paa, at maririnig mo ang isang bulong: “Yan ba?”Grabe, ang ganda na naman ng araw mo.Di mo na lang papansinin. Kahit nakikilala mo na sila. Isang araw naman nakikipagkwentuhan ka sa isang ka-block mo. Gwapo. Niloloko mo pa nga tong taong to na siya na ang pinakagwapong taong nakita mo sa personal. Hehe, tawa nya. Ang saya-saya mo, biglang may dadaan sa likod mo na dalawang taong di sinasadyang naging pamilyar na sayo. Lumingon ka, at pagtalikod mo, nagsalita ang isa: “Pinagpapantasyahan e no.” Sasagot ang isa pa, “Oo nga.”Oh hindee!!! Anong nagawa mo??Titigil ka na sa pakikipagkwentuhan. Aalis ka na lang na punung-puno ng sama ng loob.Naaasar ka sa lahat ng tao.

Bakit kailangang pakialaman ang buhay ng taong ni hindi nila kilala? Bakit kailangang pagtawanan at ipagkalat ang mga bagay na di na dapat pinag-uusapan? Marami pang version yung mga naririnig mo sa kanila. Minsan ganito, “Siya yun.” O kaya, “Ows? Yan yon?” Hayop. Marathon eavesdropper ka kase.Kahit ikaw mandidiri sa iniisip mo.

At matapos mong malaman ang lahat ng bagay tungkol sa kanya, kahit yung nilihim nya at nalaman mo lang nung tapos na, naisip mong kalimutan na lang talaga siya.

One time nakipag-chat ka.

musta luvlyf? meron b? .w

lang kwenta

ows? bkt?

:( basta. wla syang kwenta.

mahal mo?

huh?

mhl mo p rn un. weh honestly, mhl m p rn ba?

argh! ewan wlang kwenta pero mhl mo. tsk tskMatitigilan ka. Tititigan mo yung monitor ng matagal. am i ryt? heyIta-type mo yung “gtg” nang di oras. May kasama pang “nys miting u” para di halatang nabwisit ka sa sinabi nya. Alt-F4. Disconnect. Shut down.

Asar na asar ka na talaga sa sarili mo. Di mo na gustong mag-teleport. Gusto mo na lang talagang ma-dissolve sa hangin.Ikaw na ngayon ang nangangailangan ng advice. Pero walang kwenta lahat ng sinabi nila. “Kalimutan mo na siya.” PAANO? “Wag ka kase magpapaapekto. Wag mo isipin yung sinasabi ng ibang tao.” HA?!? ANG LABO!!! “Marami pang iba jan.” EH SIYA NGA LANG EH!!! Aasarin ka pa kapag sinabi nilang, “Bakit di na lang si _____? Yihee. Okay naman siya ah.”

Ngek, ano yun, ganon lang kadali?Nakatitig ka ngayon sa monitor. Pabalik-balik ka lang sa lyrics.com, sa CRS, at sa email composer mo. Nakakainis. Di mo na alam kung ano pa ang sasabihin mo.Tama, bwisit sa buhay yang feelings na yan.

May magtatanong pa, “Bakit mo ba yon mahal?” Wow pare, wala kang maisagot. Buti pa sa Math pwede kang manghula ng formula, pwede mong paglaruan ang solution mo. May partial points ka pa. Eh sa tanong na yon? Tsk tsk. Malabong mangyari yon.At kung BS Love and Affection ang course mo, ‘tol. mas mabuti pang mag-shift ka na lang sa BA Emotionlessness and Insensitivity habang maaga. Malamang magkita pa kayo don.

Paulit-ulit mong sinasabi sa sarili mo na wala ka na talagang pakialam sa kanya. Pero bakit pag nakikita mo siya, natitigilan ka pa rin? Minsan, kaibigan mo na yung nagsasabi sayo, “O, kala ko ba wala na?”Tatawa ka na lang. Lalakasan mo para di mahalata yung teary eyes mo. Di ka na naman makakapagsalita.

Litong-lito ka na. Di mo alam kung bakit nga ba ganon. Kung bakit ka apektado. Kung bakit nagbabago ang lahat pag nandiyan siya. Kung bakit gustung-gusto mo siyang bigyan ng nerve cells para maramdaman niya ang lahat. Lahat.

Ngayon, ipapadala mo to sa mga kaibigan mo, sa mga ka-block mo, at sa iba pang taong wala talagang pakialam sayo. Sa kanilang lahat, di mo alam kung sino talaga ang may tiyagang tapusin ang ganito kahabang senseless na mensahe. Di mo rin alam kung sino talaga ang mag-iisip para sayo. Di mo alam kung sino ang maaapektuhan.

Somehow, gusto mong ma-disconnect ka na lang bigla. Maubusan ng internet credits. Sabugan ng pc. Mag-brown-out. Biglang mag-collapse. Umiyak. Malunod. Maging ipis. Uminom ng Skele-Gro. Mabagsakan ng asteroid. Maglahong parang bula.Kase, tama yung sinabi ng naka-chat mo. Sinasabi mong walang kwenta, pero mahal mo.

Sobra.

———————————————

but then i was not sixteen… i was 22. 

eto na un closure and finish line ng kahibangan ko matagal na kinahumalingan. ok fine maraming beses ko na un sinabi at ewan ko lang kung may maniniwala pa sakin. pero i hope talaga this is it. i’m over you. i loved you. past tense na, finally…

marami parin ang hindi nakakaalam ng totoong pangyayari, kung paano nangyari, nagsimula at siyempre nagtapos. eto nalang we did hurt each other in a lot of ways na kailanman hindi namin pinag-usapan at walang ibang tao ang nakakaalam o makakaalam.

parang teleserye. sinabi mo pa.

ang kinaibahan lang sa sitwasyon na toh, hindi umiyak ang bidang babae. maniwala man kayo o hindi, pero yun ang totoo.

i dreamt of edgar

 i am so thankful for having passed my subjects last semester, but then i cannot truly celebrate can i? i am pained by your piercing stares and i’m wishing i’d die instantaneously. but ofcourse i can’t. i’d exchange my life for you if that’s the last thing i’d ask of kamatayan.

but just when i thought i’d have the worst dream ever, it was the total opposite. i dreamt of edgar. i haven’t thought of him since time immemorial until i actually saw him recently. and i can’t help but “smile” when i woke up this morning. this would be one of the best dreams i had that i’d cherish for the rest of my life. *sigh*

for the longest time i had this frown

worn my mask even as i slept

as i wept

i hid behind

always wishing… dreaming

then i dreamt of you

my mask broke into small pieces

when the thought of you made me smile

i wish i’d never have to wake up

i wish i’d never have to see light

but that’s all wishful thinking

but i don’t really care

your image has made me feel alive

and the sandman wrote me:

i am sorry

—————————————-

i cried a teardrop and accepted the apology with all my heart. but i feel awful still, for hurting you. please forgive me also, try to forget about the sandman, i left him na sa batangas where he will remain forever whom will disturb us never. i hope we start anew.

please smile with me

no matter how much i try, it will never be good enough.

i feel i committed the biggest mistake of my life. i enrolled this semester using my own funds, my advanced salary. only to find out thereafter that my shoti won’t be able to enroll. if only i can turn back time i would - i’d have my shoti enroll first. i even asked papa if i can go on with the enrolment and he said - “yes”. how was i supposed to know that it was not “okay”?!

hindi ka marunong mag-isip, palibhasa iniisip mo lang sarili mo… 

words don’t have power over you… unless the person who said them means a lot to you… 

it was just too easy for you to say hurtful words. i know you are in pain. i know we are all suffering. but you don’t have to be too hard on me nor on your self. kung may magagawa ako don’t i always make a way and make things a little easier for you and for everyone. don’t make things worse, you are making it all more difficult for everyone to bear. we have survived for the longest time and we will surely survive this time. makakapag-enroll si shoti, i would bet my life on that.

no one can truly understand how i feel…

being sympathetic is different with being emphatic. people can always claim that “they understand you and what you are going through” but they just don’t know how it truly feels. each and everyone of us have our own troubles and trials to face and not one of those are identical, thus, incomparable. not that i hate it when people tell you that those words. i do appreciate those words one way and another but then again at the end of the day i feel i am alone on this still - “other people cannot solve your problems for you, only you can”. and that is what hurts the most, it is just too much to bear. and/but for me, i still choose not to share, not that i am better of without help but only to save me another “alalahanin” and for those people (family & friends only considered), i am saving them additional burden. they too have their own worries and mishaps; and my story can always mess up their minds and even life. i know they are the judge of that but then again it remains to be my life.

ang daling sabihin na “smiling always starts the healing”. i know it’s just too easy to smile. i am like that. but each smile i extend holds a thousand meanings, a thousand stories. so don’t ever judge me, try not to assume a lot.

 i am hurt by your stares… your whispering. you don’t know a thing.

——————————————–

i may say that i’m just ok

i may smile all through the way

i may laugh as if i’m not worrying

i may talk a lot as if i know what i’m saying

but should you get to see what’s realy inside of me

why i try to be funny and crazy

please don’t ask why

just please smile with me

that is all i ask of you

———————————————-

i like it when i see people exchanging laughs, going crazy and simply enjoying themselves, together, just happy together and having the time of their life as if everything is ok. seeing those smiles, those moments make me feel good inside. don’t be mistaken that considering i’m just watching from afar and quiet, i am not enjoying because in truth i am. i have been told a number of times that when i am quiet they sense that there’s always something wrong and that they should be sharing my moment of silence and sorrow. the very words were “masyado mong pinaparamdam na hindi ka ok na dapat kami rin dapat ganun“. that is what’s wrong with me, i have this standard ME, someone who’s always smiling, magulo, masayahin, at madaldal. and in a world where everyone is prejudice, i have no right to show a different side of me. i know i have never been angry but being sad that’s a different story.

when you smile when i’m gloomy, you make my day. your smile, time and presence, that’s all i ask of you. don’t mind me watching as if staring and wishing you all be sad just like me, you are mistaken. you make me happy that way as if it washes all the sadness and worries i have. i really appreciate those times. i will be okay, everything will be ok.

I am my self for the world to hurt… but ultimately Yours for the taking, my Lord God.

The world may be cruel but i choose not to be and that is all because of You.

 ——————————————

I am sorry.

please do accept my apologies. i know i cannot force you. remedy nalang siguro eh please hear out my sorry. alam ko wala akong kasalanan. ayoko rin na you’d feel guilty. but that’s how i felt and that’s what i am sorry for… for feeling i had anything to with it kahit na wala. try to understand me, well i know you do understand me, ang selfish ko ba, kaw na nga problemado dinagdagan ko pa, now you feel guilty. oh i feel so awful. until now. i’d have to change this side of me. i am not at fault and still i say sorry. this would probably be an awakening for me to change my ways. and for others to finally take me seriously. well i know im taken seriously by my true friends but then again i do have a problem on some situations which calls for who are to blame… am i at fault… do i have to say sorry… iba na talaga ngayon i need to grow up…