weighing options

to fight or not to fight?

tell me your answer

there may be battles won without bloodshed

but how come bloodshed is still an option

to see is to believe?

call yourself doubtful thomas

but there are just stories best told in print

rather than witnessed

to speak your mind?

will it even matter

when all is set

might as well be supportive

even if it scares the crap out of you

new found happiness

i was usually contented finishing off one paperback novel whenever i wait for my friends in the mall. however, just there and then my mobile phone rang…

.Goofy Calling…

After a short exchange of i miss yous and i love yous.. can’t wait for tomorrow to see you and take care, we said our goodbyes and i pressed the end button. 

Then, there i was reading through a sentence or two for over a gazillion times already and it just didn’t made sense to me. There is something wrong with me, i can’t seem to focus on my reading, obviously i was smiling alone like a lunatic for no reason at all. well, for just one reason. 

it may be such a cliche but i can’t help but admit

people go crazy when in love

my valentine

i always hoped that a time would come when i would be more than willing to take that one step closer to succumbing to the risk of happiness beyond reason. wreckless as it may seem, but i just knew it was right for me to say the magic words, i love you too. i asked for him to stay, right here… with me.

i found the one 

the one who made me take the mask off my face

the one who makes me smile as he takes my hand in his

the one who makes me feel free from harm and danger

the one whom i would want to share the rest of days with, one day at a time

actions does not always speak louder than words

if i was physically ill

there will always be touch therapy

if i was mentally incapacitated

there will always be touch therapy

if i was deaf mute

there will always be sign language

if i had a language barrier

there will always be sign language

but then if i lack the will to feel

and i lack the strength to speak

what else is my option

if i do have any

patience is a virtue

I am all confused with the idea of not knowing where you stand in a so-called complicated relationship. But then again, some things don’t just happen… oftentimes they are the end-result of that relatively significant moment in the past which is now haunting me - disguised as regret.

While I must admit that I feel for your pain, I apologize for not meeting the expiration date of your patience. But I do thank you… for the time you’ve spent with me, and for the love you’ve given unconditionally.

I thought you understood

All I asked from you was patience

I am torn from the realization whether this is what I want or so I thought I wanted. I can’t really tell. There are a million thoughts, emotions and words left hidden and untold. Now, the wheel of fortune has turned things upside-down, too bad. For who? me?. I can’t say I’m am the only one suffering while the other rejoices. The uneasiness is apparent on both parties if I was the judge of the situation. But then again, can we really conclude from the picture-perfect facade of great pretenders? But then again, there may even be additional facts in the case which cannot be dared revealed? But then again, it’s a moot point is it not?

Yes, I am happy and I submit that in truth and in fact I know I can be happier. I would have been happier. I have deprived and denied my self of the only thing I can be sure of. But did I really?

I played a game and eventually lost. Worst part of it all is that - there is no rematch.

Is all lost while I wallow in pain? But so they say, I am a rock, neither wind nor water can shatter me into pieces, but they can carry me to a better place, and so, now I shall wait for that.

If you know what you want

Come and get it

If after some time you are having second thoughts

Granting that I have let you wait and tag along for so long

Then probably it’s not meant to be

It is fine by me

It might just be for the best for us both

And I won’t be here waiting for long

unforgettable nightmare

I was kidnapped

I tried to runaway

but i was being chased by a number of armed malefactors

they were wearing black masks which hid their faces

i was caught up by 2 men

then i blacked out

next thing i knew i was smelling fuel gas

woke up with a bad headache

my hands were tied 

i was blindfolded

then someone carried me

threw me on the floor

someone forced me to stand up

while someone removed my blindfold

my eyes had difficulty adjusting with the light

i was in a middle of men circled around me

they were all laughing like there was a private joke i missed

then someone pushed me from the back 

more pushing happened like i was in a game of pinball

i was getting dizzy but i can’t shout at them to stop

i was kept mum by a ductape over my mouth

why can’t they just get this over and done with and finish me off

more laughing followed

then i passed out again

i woke up in a moving vehicle… that explains the continued dizziness

my hands were still tied and i still can’t talk

it was dark probably past midnight

a familiar path 

we were nearing home

then halt

the door was opened and i was thrown out like a cat

the masked man spoke at me

tell marc, he won’t like what happens next time

then they drove past me

with the gust of wind blowing at my face

i passed out the third time

my 2009

Another year has ended which I never thought I could not possibly live through but then again I sure did. Admittedly, I am a pessimist.

Beginning January 30, 2009, there had been a trial where I, the respondent, was accused of unlawful acts with a penalty ranging from suspension up to expulsion, such that might extinguish completely the career I am traversing. I was judged by plenty, sympathized by few, and faced trial standing side by side my lawyer, who happens to be my ex-employer I walked out from. I had the worse thoughts and emotions that almost shook my sanity and faith, more like a nightmare I would want to wake up from. But God made a way for me to really see what happened, why it happened, what is left of me, and what I am to look forward for.

Looking into yourself from another’s perspective has always been insightful and hurtful but looking into yourself from your own perspective is surely enlightening and humiliating, one humbling experience you would never trade for another.

It was never a question of the state of one’s maturioty in handling a difficult situation, but rather it was a turning point of your life’s story which only caused you to finally discover that you cease to be a child anymore and you just have to make your own choices and stop making excuses, because at the end of the day, all you have is your self to preserve and love and think about.

I learned to love my self the way I deserve to be loved, taking in the good with the bad.

I accepted and embraced reality that what happened had happened… and it happened to me. No more pointing fingers. I moved forward by just having faith on the truth that shall set me free and leaving it all up for God’s will to prevail. And so it did. Before the year ended I was exonerated and given a second chance to make better decisions in life.

While it shamed my pride looking back when and how I arrived in the path of the lost. I had my fair share of stupidity and bad decisions which led to sinking deeper in the quicksand of yet another set of mistakes and their consequences. I should have known better. Now I sort of know how to go about the realtiy of a chaotic world out in the open.

But then again, is it enough that as I have managed to fix the broken pieces of my life together again when in the process thereto people eventually got hurt, I can’t help but be pained with just the mere thought of how I came to change into a totally different person unlike my usual self especially in the state of mental and emotional breakdown… I have become a monster. But then again all I needed was time for my self and to assess everything. I cannot anymore turn back time when every wrong step I take led me to a place of make-believe, one person taught me that. Reality is inescapable, thus, it’s not reason enought to blame it always on others or even the situation and save yourself from the vultures at the expense of others you offer as bate.

It’s never too late to admit defeat and shame.

To change to become a better person is not at all bad. 

There will come a time you will realize that you cease to be a child anymore.

Time heals all wounds. 

for the no.1 man in my life

Great things only my dad can do for me:

1. the way he’d teach me math which often leads me to crying until the wee hours of the night;

2. those times when as a child he’d carry all my school stuff and still let me sleep over his shoulders while sitting on his lap during our ride to school;

3. the way he’d take care of me whenever my ulcer attacks despite mom’s nagging on the side on how I’ve abused my health;

4. those times he’d wait up for me or stay up late whenever I’d go home super late or sleepover somewhere;

5. the way he makes me feel so much like him in so many ways, how we have that unique style in showing our real emotions and drink down our sorrows, and especially enjoy and endouver things bad for our health like sweets, peanuts and alcohol;

6. that 2007 valentine’s day when he surprised me with a new bed;

7. my birthday mornings waking up with him blowing me butterfly hugs and kisses in bed;

8. the way we’d mess up together with my brothers mom’s bed happily to make mom angry;

9. the way he calls me erica dalapotpot and kisses me gently on my forehead as he welcomes me home every day;

10. the way he’d overwork himself to support and protect our family despite his brother’s angst;

11. the way he’d dance funny all over the house to irritate my mom;

12. the way he intelligently give his views and opinions over current events while we watch the news on television;

13. the way we’d eat bread or dessert and talk endlessly after every meal complaining together over mom’s cooking we truly enjoyed heartily;

14. the way he’d ask me with puppy dog eyes to sneak up peanuts for him whenever mom is not looking;

15. the way he’d fall in line next to me in asking mom to clean up our ears and cut our toe nails;

16. the way he’d make me feel guilty whenever I treat mom wrongly and decide over my life’s concerns impulsively;

17. the way he’d scare away my suitors together with my brothers;

18. the way he’d be my savior whenever my brothers are pestering me;

19. the way he’d treat me as his only treasure and princess next to the queen who’s my mom; and

20. the thought that he’d forever be the no.1 man in my life to whom the stature of my future husband will have to live up to.

this list is not really enough but it sure spells out the feelings of a daddy’s girl looking up to the best father in the whole world.

happy father’s day, papa! i love you.

quality education takes time

 It hurts to accept changes in one’s life but we’ll just have to live with it. If it sinks any deeper, we’ll go numb from all the pain and will get used to it eventually.

Never have I imagined I’ll never be able to really fulfill my dreams the way I want them to like one well-drafted time-table. Eventhough nothing is final yet that would permanently prohibit or prevent me perpetually from living my dream profession, I still can’t help but be hurt of the delay already. Classes have already started but here I am in limbo, considering 3 semesters is all that’s left for me to finish law school and finally take my bar exams. It just hurst me deeply.

How I have wasted precious time when I have longed been overdued on my target and expected year of taking my oath. How I have foolishly made wrong decisions that brought me here and to add up those people that made me cross failure grounds. How I sincerely feel shame for my lovedones for causing enough trouble as if their hands aren’t full enough. How important people would react of how my life has suddenly changed its course.

I feel aweful and disappointed of my self. Although this doesn’t necessarily mean I love my self any less. However, this life changing challenge has really made the top of my list of the worst trials of all time. But then again can there be any best trial of all time?

In every trial or challenge, there is always a lesson. It’s not over until it’s over. Whether we like it or not, we’ll just have to accept and embrace the truth that something good always comes out after all these things had gone bad.

I am trying so hard to lighten up but I guess I just can’t hide the pain brought about by reality. I may seem to have moved on and oftentimes I feel guilty about how I act normally human one minute and abnormally ridiculous immediately thereafter, very much temperamental, more like a psychopath… and it is evidently nothing like how I used to handle challenges in my early years. So this just may be what they call growing up.

I coursed the path towards the bridge that will bring me to the other side

Halfway almost there, the bridge broke apart

Seeing nothingness from beneath the cliff, I breathed in that cool breeze air

How will I make two ends meet with my own bare hands alone

kapalaran

 

Bakit daw mahirap maging masaya at malaya ng sabay?

Ang mga ninanais ng puso at isipan mo akala mo abot kamay mo na pero isang pikit mata lumihis ito ng lipad papalayo sa mga palad mo. Bakit ka pa binigyan ng laya na mangarap kung sadyang may mga bagay sa mundo na hanggang pangarap na lamang at hindi kailanman mapapasakamay mo kahit anong pilit mo. Ngunit sadyang matigas at rebelde ang puso at isip ng tao, mapilit parin sa mga imposible, hindi nalalaan para sa kanya at maging ang mga bawal sa mundo. Malupit daw ang tadhana pero may mas lulupit pa ba sa ginagawa ng tao na kalabanin ang lahat maging ang tadhana kung kaya pinili na pasakitan ang sarili dahil yun lang daw ang makakapagpasaya at makakapagpalaya sa kanya.

Ano nga ba ang sukatan ng kasiyahan at maging ng kalayaan? Hindi ba sumasutal nito ang pagiging makasarili? Sabi ng tao hindi ka magiging makasarili kung may pagmamahal sa puso mo. Subalit hindi ba may iba’t ibang klase ng pagmamahal, meron yun totoo (unconditional) at meron hindi totoo (selfish).

Nagbabago ang hinaharap tuwing nagbabago ang hubog ng isip at puso ng tao, ngunit hindi nga ba hindi naman nagbabago ang mga guhit sa iyong palad na sinasabi rin nilang kapalaran mo sa darating na hinaharap. Kung maipapaliwanag ko lang ang katotohanan gamit ang aking palad o ang mga bituin sa langit, baka sakali maintindihan ko ang lahat-lahat sa mundo. Subalit hindi ko rin naman yun gugustuhin dahil matatali na lamang ako sa mga propesiya na tulad ng tadhana na nagbabago rin naman o maaaring malaking kasinungalingan lamang.

Ang hiram na buhay

may pinanggalingan

may paroroonan

may hangganan