i.ph shutting down

just when i have decided in making the greatest comeback post ever, i just received an e-mail from i.ph support that i.ph is shutting down on May 21, 2012. That’s like two (2) months from now. So now I have to look for another free blogging service. I’m surely going to miss i.ph.

 Any suggestions in mind guys???!!!

I am back!!!

I have been meaning to write again but with distorted thoughts and unstable feelings, I fought the urge to write again, not just for my readers benefit but rather for my sanity. So after a very long AWOL, I am back. I am brewing something special. Hope you will all like it.

I made a choice and I don’t have regrets. 

God is good… all the time!!!

the power of prayer

the gospel today made me realize the power of prayer. it’s not so difficult how i managed to await God’s own time in answering my prayers.

this won’t be the first time that i will have to wait yet again.

confessions of an epileptic

even though i tried so hard to escape my fate, the signs are everywhere. 

the doctors have already disclosed the possibilities of my condition which might lead to my end. 

how else can you escape your fear when your very life is  already at stake? tick tock tick tock tick

so what do i fear most? the fear of death itself or the fear of leaving the life of the living?

sana hindi nalang binalewala yun karamdaman na magdadala sa aming lahat ng ganitong suliranin, baka naging mas maingat at hindi kinahinatnan ang kasalukuyan… maging sana’y ipinagpaliban ang hinaharap.

simula pagkabata takot lang ako iwan mag-isa, ngayon napag-alaman ko na kung bakit. kaya naman pala. ika nga ng neurologist ko, you have a seizure disorder…. in other words you are epileptic. you can’t be left alone and must have company at all times considering your attacks can strike anytime and anywhere, you will have to refrain from working and we will have to conduct various tests to be able to stabilize your condition because the very source of such sickness is undetermined, hence, the cure is still unknown. 

flashback - “episodes”

“one sunday, i was about 10 years old, in church attending a 9am mass with my family… we were just singing Ama Namin…. when all of a sudden everything went black. i can’t see, i can’t move, i can’t speak, i can’t hear. but my mind was at works double time, trying to figure out what happened. in a few minutes i was in the church’s office and people i don’t know surrounded me together with my family. they said i passed out. “

somehow i have always known and felt i was sick and i will have a shortlived life on earth kaya nga ba i have always managed to stay away from hospitals and doctors. but then again i can’t really escape reality. but what else is in store  for me for my remaining days?

if only i had known earlier, would my present be any different?

ironies

How can I not be angry at you when I have all the right to?

How can I feel pity for myself when I can always choose not to?

How can I be positive when the worst has bound my wrists?

Just when I thought I am done with masks, here I am again wearing another one of my extra ordinaire creations that hides not only my face, my eyes… but more importantly my very soul.

Every single day I can’t find the urge not to feel I am coming close to joining Him

rain rain go away

when it rains… it pours

i am trying so hard to stop complaining of the nonstop pouring rain that has ruined my wonderful day

the noise of the continuous raindrops on my rooftop and windowpane brings me so much sorrow

if only i can go out in the rain to wash away the tears falling down my cheeks

maybe… just maybe i would love the rain a little bit more

i envy charlie chaplain

trust fall

No matter how many times the world tries to bring me down,

I’ll never run out of inner strength to keep myself grounded and helpful hands to save me from falling. 

I now recall the million times during teambuilding seminars when participants are to undergo the “trust fall”. While some people only sees it as ridiculous I never really cared much about it until now.

Trust is something you surrender wholeheartedly and it doesn’t even matter if you know the person or persons who will catch you, as long as you know in your heart that there will be someone or people who will catch you. I always thought that trust is a matter of whom you give it to, however, I now realize that at the end of the day it is not you who will decide when the worst comes at hand that would determine who would indeed catch you. It may very be the least people you expect to catch you who will be there with their arms wide open.

While I continue to contemplate on this thought, I eagerly try to recall the times when I needed someone to catch me, actually more like someone to just hold me or keep myself from falling. And in all instances, yes, there were quite a number of them, and there… I always ask the question, “why me?”

Considering the recurring circumstances that the past seem to bring back my nightmares, I try to convince my self that may be just may be I have not learned my lesson yet on “who to trust” and “what kind/level of trust to give up” - that may be I always give up my trust unto the wrong persons. But then again, now I conclude otherwise.

In all instances, I have gained relationships far better from the ones I’ve lost. Despite the pain, I have felt joy that I’ve never felt before. Despite the shortcomings brought by uneventful circumstances, I have earned success stories I’ll never trade for anything else.

Hence, it all boils down to never giving up… not just on trust… but on oneself - that you who always seem to be on a tight situation will never see the light of day again, because every waking day gives enough hope that your life is a blessing which you should be most thankful for.

I lift my self up unto the heavens

Surrender freely unto the wind and the waves

Always waiting for my sun to blow me kisses of morning dew

goodbye? no, until tomorrow comes

the truth shall prevail in due time

i never loved anyone as much as i loved you

is this really goodbye for you?

well, not for me

i will be hopeful until that day comes

when everything will be alright

no matter the hate you may feel now

no matter the hurt i may feel now

it will all be worth it

our story is just getting started

imprisoned

One week house arrest for health reasons

Imprisoned from pain

Victim of Sadness

Seemed to have escaped reality but

did not either make it to fantasy city

I longed for TLC but all I got is but more dragging time ahead of me

I tried so hard to understand but I’m no hypocrite, I am miserable. Although this is nothing compared to what I thought I can handle, living through  each day has been a struggle for me, which gave me more reason to ponder on the more permanent time apart when eventually the truth is revealed that we can’t be together the way I would want us to be… yet here I am both happy and sad at the same time with every thought of you, of us… which is ironic.

I have embraced being bait in an upcoming battle I am bound to get crushed and burned. Will it really be worth it? …. when I deserve so much more.

Why can’t you hear my voice cracking

Why can’t you hear my uneven breathing

Why can’t you hear my heart skip a beat

Why can’t you hear my plea

I need you now more than ever

I will not be able to survive another three (3) months of this unbearable sadness

need for happy thoughts

i’m running out of reasons to smile lately.

stress is bad for my health but it’s just part of my life.

although i try hard not to be saddened and stressed of so much that’s been going through, i can’t help but find solace in thinking and worrying too much of everything, things that are out of my hands.

 i’m scared as hell that i am sick but i choose to stand firm on putting up a face that i’m alright and i can manage the pain. 

 i’m scared as hell that i the love of my life is risking his life out in the open just because of politics but i choose to stand firm on putting up a face that i’m not so worried for him to think i’m not so stressed about what’s really happening. 

 i’m scared as hell that things are falling out of place with my plans for my family as well as my career but i choose to stand firm on putting up a face that there is still hope and i’ve got all the time in the world to fix things. 

i can’t even share my thoughts and feelings without having to worry about another set of sermons and arguments from the all-knowing loves of my life. 

i choose to keep mum just to end an argument even if i’m about to burst out in flames.

i have come close to changing my ways and sharing my life to others but now i’m left again in choosing to keep things unto my self. to save my self. to save the most important people in my life. whatever the reason i don’t think i don’t have much time to let these important things pass me by.

but what am i to do when i am already in so much pain.