goodbye

the truth shall prevail in due time

you’ll eat your own words

you’ll bend on your knees for forgiveness

i’ll raise my head up high and walk away victorious

i never loved anyone as much as i loved you

yet you choose to listen to everyone else except me

yes, this is indeed goodbye

imprisoned

One week house arrest for health reasons

Imprisoned from pain

Victim of Sadness

Seemed to have escaped reality but

did not either make it to fantasy city

I longed for TLC but all I got is but more dragging time ahead of me

I tried so hard to understand but I’m no hypocrite, I am miserable. Although this is nothing compared to what I thought I can handle, living through  each day has been a struggle for me, which gave me more reason to ponder on the more permanent time apart when eventually the truth is revealed that we can’t be together the way I would want us to be… yet here I am both happy and sad at the same time with every thought of you, of us… which is ironic.

I have embraced being bait in an upcoming battle I am bound to get crushed and burned. Will it really be worth it? …. when I deserve so much more.

Why can’t you hear my voice cracking

Why can’t you hear my uneven breathing

Why can’t you hear my heart skip a beat

Why can’t you hear my plea

I need you now more than ever

I will not be able to survive another three (3) months of this unbearable sadness

need for happy thoughts

i’m running out of reasons to smile lately.

stress is bad for my health but it’s just part of my life.

although i try hard not to be saddened and stressed of so much that’s been going through, i can’t help but find solace in thinking and worrying too much of everything, things that are out of my hands.

 i’m scared as hell that i am sick but i choose to stand firm on putting up a face that i’m alright and i can manage the pain. 

 i’m scared as hell that i the love of my life is risking his life out in the open just because of politics but i choose to stand firm on putting up a face that i’m not so worried for him to think i’m not so stressed about what’s really happening. 

 i’m scared as hell that things are falling out of place with my plans for my family as well as my career but i choose to stand firm on putting up a face that there is still hope and i’ve got all the time in the world to fix things. 

i can’t even share my thoughts and feelings without having to worry about another set of sermons and arguments from the all-knowing loves of my life. 

i choose to keep mum just to end an argument even if i’m about to burst out in flames.

i have come close to changing my ways and sharing my life to others but now i’m left again in choosing to keep things unto my self. to save my self. to save the most important people in my life. whatever the reason i don’t think i don’t have much time to let these important things pass me by.

but what am i to do when i am already in so much pain.

Episodes

I have always thought that I have already established what I fear most in life. Until I have had this sort of episodes of losing consciousness for a couple of seconds/minutes at no particular moment nor reason and place. I have had them since I was in grade school. My parents associated it with skipping meals but I never really agreed on that thought. It happens at the most unexpected time and place: at our chapel during mass; at home while washing the dishes; at home while serving food on my plate; at a museum during a field trip; at baclaran church full of people; at home while texting; in a corner of a street while waiting for a jeepney. It usually happens only once every year and it had been like three (3) years ago since my last episode until just recently in a month’s time I have had three (3) episodes already. Fortunately, each episode happens at a time I am not alone. But until when?

My ulcer attacks give me enough pain to keep me conscious. And feeling the pain reminds me that I am still alive. But these episodes are of a different nature, I cannot win over unconsciousness that leaves me betting only on time when I would eventually wake up and of course holding on to faith and hope that it’s not yet my time. But what if my time is close to its end?

Not that I am afraid of death but rather of losing time. I look at time as my only chance of making things better or making things actually work out fine. Time is all I have that gives me faith over experiencing the most wonderful and worst feelings as a human. Hence, I never tried to rush anything in life. I savor each moment of my life as if it’s my last and I never get tired of waiting for yet another moment when I’d get to experience more or less the same thing.

Selfish as it may seem, I never did care how the important people in my life would take the blow of bidding me goodbye because while I see them fragile at some point, they have always been my source of strength, hence, I know they would do fairly well without me around. I gave them more than enough memories to treasure and last a lifetime. But I know that will never do? They would want and need me around. They would choose that I’d stay with them alive and stubborn as ever. The same way I’d wish and pray for if it was the other way around.

Will I ever get to snap out of this reverie?

A young lady

Lying lifeless on the pavement

Disheveled hair

Peaceful face

Crowded by a number of curious bystanders

giving up the booze

It was not just because I celebrated my first monthsary in the Emergency Room. Neither was it just because I suffered multiple sermons considering I was not attending mass. It is a choice I have made just so because life is wonderful despite the pain, because pain is part of life. 

I did not dare look at their faces while I suffer in pain that reminds me I am still alive. I was ashamed of what I have done to my self to deserve such amount of love, care and most specially time.

It was thursday, March 11th, I had great plans for that day, that night until the following day. Maybe I was over-excited and wanted to celebrate in a rush considering the clock is yet to strike 10:00p.m. I invited my officemate for some crepes, I was not really thinking straight, I was really very happy and wanted nothing but to spoil a very special day. I ordered 1 mango crepe and managed to squeeze in 1 queck-queck with an awful sauce. My officemate was enjoying the food and wanted some more, to which I had to say no, my stomach was already doing somersaults. On the way to meet my bestfriend, I just couldn’t take it any longer and so I gave in with the feel of getting rid of it all and free my stomach from pain. But I guess, there’s just more to it than just vomiting and medicine, in a few hours time I was taken to the emergency room.

The doctor said I was so young to suffer ulcer. I couldn’t lie, I had abused my health. In between gasps from pain and more vomiting and multiple sermons from my boyfriend, bestfriend, my mom, my dad and my brother, I had to endure the pain. And so I did but not until this moment that I am 100% physically and mentally restored of my faculties. 

Ofcourse it would never be the same again, I had my reasons for enjoying the booze so much despite my doctor’s strict instructions. (see manifesto of an alcoholic) But then again, there would come a time that I will have to make the right choice, on my own, that I will have to realize that the pain will not go away easily, it just transforms into another kind of pain I will have to suffer from… more painfully. 

we had it great

but now I say my final cheers

adieu, my friend

weighing options

to fight or not to fight?

tell me your answer

there may be battles won without bloodshed

but how come bloodshed is still an option

to see is to believe?

call yourself doubtful thomas

but there are just stories best told in print

rather than witnessed

to speak your mind?

will it even matter

when all is set

might as well be supportive

even if it scares the crap out of you

new found happiness

i was usually contented finishing off one paperback novel whenever i wait for my friends in the mall. however, just there and then my mobile phone rang…

.Goofy Calling…

After a short exchange of i miss yous and i love yous.. can’t wait for tomorrow to see you and take care, we said our goodbyes and i pressed the end button. 

Then, there i was reading through a sentence or two for over a gazillion times already and it just didn’t made sense to me. There is something wrong with me, i can’t seem to focus on my reading, obviously i was smiling alone like a lunatic for no reason at all. well, for just one reason. 

it may be such a cliche but i can’t help but admit

people go crazy when in love

my valentine

i always hoped that a time would come when i would be more than willing to take that one step closer to succumbing to the risk of happiness beyond reason. wreckless as it may seem, but i just knew it was right for me to say the magic words, i love you too. i asked for him to stay, right here… with me.

i found the one 

the one who made me take the mask off my face

the one who makes me smile as he takes my hand in his

the one who makes me feel free from harm and danger

the one whom i would want to share the rest of days with, one day at a time

actions does not always speak louder than words

if i was physically ill

there will always be touch therapy

if i was mentally incapacitated

there will always be touch therapy

if i was deaf mute

there will always be sign language

if i had a language barrier

there will always be sign language

but then if i lack the will to feel

and i lack the strength to speak

what else is my option

if i do have any

patience is a virtue

I am all confused with the idea of not knowing where you stand in a so-called complicated relationship. But then again, some things don’t just happen… oftentimes they are the end-result of that relatively significant moment in the past which is now haunting me - disguised as regret.

While I must admit that I feel for your pain, I apologize for not meeting the expiration date of your patience. But I do thank you… for the time you’ve spent with me, and for the love you’ve given unconditionally.

I thought you understood

All I asked from you was patience

I am torn from the realization whether this is what I want or so I thought I wanted. I can’t really tell. There are a million thoughts, emotions and words left hidden and untold. Now, the wheel of fortune has turned things upside-down, too bad. For who? me?. I can’t say I’m am the only one suffering while the other rejoices. The uneasiness is apparent on both parties if I was the judge of the situation. But then again, can we really conclude from the picture-perfect facade of great pretenders? But then again, there may even be additional facts in the case which cannot be dared revealed? But then again, it’s a moot point is it not?

Yes, I am happy and I submit that in truth and in fact I know I can be happier. I would have been happier. I have deprived and denied my self of the only thing I can be sure of. But did I really?

I played a game and eventually lost. Worst part of it all is that - there is no rematch.

Is all lost while I wallow in pain? But so they say, I am a rock, neither wind nor water can shatter me into pieces, but they can carry me to a better place, and so, now I shall wait for that.

If you know what you want

Come and get it

If after some time you are having second thoughts

Granting that I have let you wait and tag along for so long

Then probably it’s not meant to be

It is fine by me

It might just be for the best for us both

And I won’t be here waiting for long