the power of prayer

the gospel today made me realize the power of prayer. it’s not so difficult how i managed to await God’s own time in answering my prayers.

this won’t be the first time that i will have to wait yet again.

confessions of an epileptic

even though i tried so hard to escape my fate, the signs are everywhere. 

the doctors have already disclosed the possibilities of my condition which might lead to my end. 

how else can you escape your fear when your very life is  already at stake? tick tock tick tock tick

so what do i fear most? the fear of death itself or the fear of leaving the life of the living?

sana hindi nalang binalewala yun karamdaman na magdadala sa aming lahat ng ganitong suliranin, baka naging mas maingat at hindi kinahinatnan ang kasalukuyan… maging sana’y ipinagpaliban ang hinaharap.

simula pagkabata takot lang ako iwan mag-isa, ngayon napag-alaman ko na kung bakit. kaya naman pala. ika nga ng neurologist ko, you have a seizure disorder…. in other words you are epileptic. you can’t be left alone and must have company at all times considering your attacks can strike anytime and anywhere, you will have to refrain from working and we will have to conduct various tests to be able to stabilize your condition because the very source of such sickness is undetermined, hence, the cure is still unknown. 

flashback - “episodes”

“one sunday, i was about 10 years old, in church attending a 9am mass with my family… we were just singing Ama Namin…. when all of a sudden everything went black. i can’t see, i can’t move, i can’t speak, i can’t hear. but my mind was at works double time, trying to figure out what happened. in a few minutes i was in the church’s office and people i don’t know surrounded me together with my family. they said i passed out. “

somehow i have always known and felt i was sick and i will have a shortlived life on earth kaya nga ba i have always managed to stay away from hospitals and doctors. but then again i can’t really escape reality. but what else is in store  for me for my remaining days?

if only i had known earlier, would my present be any different?

ironies

How can I not be angry at you when I have all the right to?

How can I feel pity for myself when I can always choose not to?

How can I be positive when the worst has bound my wrists?

Just when I thought I am done with masks, here I am again wearing another one of my extra ordinaire creations that hides not only my face, my eyes… but more importantly my very soul.

Every single day I can’t find the urge not to feel I am coming close to joining Him

rain rain go away

when it rains… it pours

i am trying so hard to stop complaining of the nonstop pouring rain that has ruined my wonderful day

the noise of the continuous raindrops on my rooftop and windowpane brings me so much sorrow

if only i can go out in the rain to wash away the tears falling down my cheeks

maybe… just maybe i would love the rain a little bit more

i envy charlie chaplain

trust fall

No matter how many times the world tries to bring me down,

I’ll never run out of inner strength to keep myself grounded and helpful hands to save me from falling. 

I now recall the million times during teambuilding seminars when participants are to undergo the “trust fall”. While some people only sees it as ridiculous I never really cared much about it until now.

Trust is something you surrender wholeheartedly and it doesn’t even matter if you know the person or persons who will catch you, as long as you know in your heart that there will be someone or people who will catch you. I always thought that trust is a matter of whom you give it to, however, I now realize that at the end of the day it is not you who will decide when the worst comes at hand that would determine who would indeed catch you. It may very be the least people you expect to catch you who will be there with their arms wide open.

While I continue to contemplate on this thought, I eagerly try to recall the times when I needed someone to catch me, actually more like someone to just hold me or keep myself from falling. And in all instances, yes, there were quite a number of them, and there… I always ask the question, “why me?”

Considering the recurring circumstances that the past seem to bring back my nightmares, I try to convince my self that may be just may be I have not learned my lesson yet on “who to trust” and “what kind/level of trust to give up” - that may be I always give up my trust unto the wrong persons. But then again, now I conclude otherwise.

In all instances, I have gained relationships far better from the ones I’ve lost. Despite the pain, I have felt joy that I’ve never felt before. Despite the shortcomings brought by uneventful circumstances, I have earned success stories I’ll never trade for anything else.

Hence, it all boils down to never giving up… not just on trust… but on oneself - that you who always seem to be on a tight situation will never see the light of day again, because every waking day gives enough hope that your life is a blessing which you should be most thankful for.

I lift my self up unto the heavens

Surrender freely unto the wind and the waves

Always waiting for my sun to blow me kisses of morning dew

goodbye? no, until tomorrow comes

the truth shall prevail in due time

i never loved anyone as much as i loved you

is this really goodbye for you?

well, not for me

i will be hopeful until that day comes

when everything will be alright

no matter the hate you may feel now

no matter the hurt i may feel now

it will all be worth it

our story is just getting started

imprisoned

One week house arrest for health reasons

Imprisoned from pain

Victim of Sadness

Seemed to have escaped reality but

did not either make it to fantasy city

I longed for TLC but all I got is but more dragging time ahead of me

I tried so hard to understand but I’m no hypocrite, I am miserable. Although this is nothing compared to what I thought I can handle, living through  each day has been a struggle for me, which gave me more reason to ponder on the more permanent time apart when eventually the truth is revealed that we can’t be together the way I would want us to be… yet here I am both happy and sad at the same time with every thought of you, of us… which is ironic.

I have embraced being bait in an upcoming battle I am bound to get crushed and burned. Will it really be worth it? …. when I deserve so much more.

Why can’t you hear my voice cracking

Why can’t you hear my uneven breathing

Why can’t you hear my heart skip a beat

Why can’t you hear my plea

I need you now more than ever

I will not be able to survive another three (3) months of this unbearable sadness

need for happy thoughts

i’m running out of reasons to smile lately.

stress is bad for my health but it’s just part of my life.

although i try hard not to be saddened and stressed of so much that’s been going through, i can’t help but find solace in thinking and worrying too much of everything, things that are out of my hands.

 i’m scared as hell that i am sick but i choose to stand firm on putting up a face that i’m alright and i can manage the pain. 

 i’m scared as hell that i the love of my life is risking his life out in the open just because of politics but i choose to stand firm on putting up a face that i’m not so worried for him to think i’m not so stressed about what’s really happening. 

 i’m scared as hell that things are falling out of place with my plans for my family as well as my career but i choose to stand firm on putting up a face that there is still hope and i’ve got all the time in the world to fix things. 

i can’t even share my thoughts and feelings without having to worry about another set of sermons and arguments from the all-knowing loves of my life. 

i choose to keep mum just to end an argument even if i’m about to burst out in flames.

i have come close to changing my ways and sharing my life to others but now i’m left again in choosing to keep things unto my self. to save my self. to save the most important people in my life. whatever the reason i don’t think i don’t have much time to let these important things pass me by.

but what am i to do when i am already in so much pain.

Episodes

I have always thought that I have already established what I fear most in life. Until I have had this sort of episodes of losing consciousness for a couple of seconds/minutes at no particular moment nor reason and place. I have had them since I was in grade school. My parents associated it with skipping meals but I never really agreed on that thought. It happens at the most unexpected time and place: at our chapel during mass; at home while washing the dishes; at home while serving food on my plate; at a museum during a field trip; at baclaran church full of people; at home while texting; in a corner of a street while waiting for a jeepney. It usually happens only once every year and it had been like three (3) years ago since my last episode until just recently in a month’s time I have had three (3) episodes already. Fortunately, each episode happens at a time I am not alone. But until when?

My ulcer attacks give me enough pain to keep me conscious. And feeling the pain reminds me that I am still alive. But these episodes are of a different nature, I cannot win over unconsciousness that leaves me betting only on time when I would eventually wake up and of course holding on to faith and hope that it’s not yet my time. But what if my time is close to its end?

Not that I am afraid of death but rather of losing time. I look at time as my only chance of making things better or making things actually work out fine. Time is all I have that gives me faith over experiencing the most wonderful and worst feelings as a human. Hence, I never tried to rush anything in life. I savor each moment of my life as if it’s my last and I never get tired of waiting for yet another moment when I’d get to experience more or less the same thing.

Selfish as it may seem, I never did care how the important people in my life would take the blow of bidding me goodbye because while I see them fragile at some point, they have always been my source of strength, hence, I know they would do fairly well without me around. I gave them more than enough memories to treasure and last a lifetime. But I know that will never do? They would want and need me around. They would choose that I’d stay with them alive and stubborn as ever. The same way I’d wish and pray for if it was the other way around.

Will I ever get to snap out of this reverie?

A young lady

Lying lifeless on the pavement

Disheveled hair

Peaceful face

Crowded by a number of curious bystanders

giving up the booze

It was not just because I celebrated my first monthsary in the Emergency Room. Neither was it just because I suffered multiple sermons considering I was not attending mass. It is a choice I have made just so because life is wonderful despite the pain, because pain is part of life. 

I did not dare look at their faces while I suffer in pain that reminds me I am still alive. I was ashamed of what I have done to my self to deserve such amount of love, care and most specially time.

It was thursday, March 11th, I had great plans for that day, that night until the following day. Maybe I was over-excited and wanted to celebrate in a rush considering the clock is yet to strike 10:00p.m. I invited my officemate for some crepes, I was not really thinking straight, I was really very happy and wanted nothing but to spoil a very special day. I ordered 1 mango crepe and managed to squeeze in 1 queck-queck with an awful sauce. My officemate was enjoying the food and wanted some more, to which I had to say no, my stomach was already doing somersaults. On the way to meet my bestfriend, I just couldn’t take it any longer and so I gave in with the feel of getting rid of it all and free my stomach from pain. But I guess, there’s just more to it than just vomiting and medicine, in a few hours time I was taken to the emergency room.

The doctor said I was so young to suffer ulcer. I couldn’t lie, I had abused my health. In between gasps from pain and more vomiting and multiple sermons from my boyfriend, bestfriend, my mom, my dad and my brother, I had to endure the pain. And so I did but not until this moment that I am 100% physically and mentally restored of my faculties. 

Ofcourse it would never be the same again, I had my reasons for enjoying the booze so much despite my doctor’s strict instructions. (see manifesto of an alcoholic) But then again, there would come a time that I will have to make the right choice, on my own, that I will have to realize that the pain will not go away easily, it just transforms into another kind of pain I will have to suffer from… more painfully. 

we had it great

but now I say my final cheers

adieu, my friend